To be anxious around DSC as my due date approaches?

[GreatestShowman]

For reasons unbeknownst to me beyond the fact that kids are walking Petri dishes in general, DSC always seem to be ill and under the weather with something or other. I'm talking constantly.

When I gave birth to DD 2.5 years ago I ended up in intensive care for two weeks with sepsis, I was on the brink and almost didn't make it. The organism responsible was invasive group A strep. I developed PTSD and asked for a debrief at the advice of my therapist, i asked how it could have happened and the consultant midwife said in most cases she's seen she believes it comes from young children in the household who often carry the bacterium (was only DSC at that point, it then dawned on OH that DSC did have a sore throat the week I was induced)

Fast forward to now I'm about to have another baby and have decided not to send my own DD back to nursery until after my c section as I just can't risk the same happening again. I'm wanting to isolate in a sense and take some extra precautions to not get ill. I have some complications that could be problematic (Anti E antibodies with rising titre levels, baby is at risk of hemalytic disease of the newborn) and may need to be in hospital a while longer as it is and need extra help.

DSC, however, will obviously be continuing to go to school, continuing to go between friends houses and continuing to come here. All perfectly understandable I know.

But AIBU to feel anxious around them after what happened before? I haven't said anything to OH about how I feel, how could I?

As I write this we're just getting over a sickness bug that DSS brought round, not his fault I know, but I'm just dreading what's to come

I can't go and stay anywhere else I don't have anywhere to go and I obviously can't ban them from coming.

Please be gentle, I'm not in a good place at all. Nervous wreck to be honest.

Completely understandable that you'd be nervous. And not sending DC to nursery is understandable as they are a hotbed of germs at the moment. I think all you can do with DSC is ask their parent to make sure they are on top of handwashing and coughing into elbows and tissue disposal. That sort of thing. I think you'd be OK to tell your DH you are nervous but that there's not much for him to do other than ensure their basic hygiene.

Op could you have pre-natal depression. Babies are resilient. Baby will be fine.

The sickness bug is a sad but normal part of life. You're fine and the baby will be fine. His brother won't hurt either of you

I don't think there's anything wrong with telling your husband how you feel. You're not blaming his children, and it's only temporary that you'd be wanting extra hygiene precautions and maybe to subtly keep your distance in the lead-up to delivery.

I've had sepsis following a miscarriage that didn't pass and it nearly finished me off as well. Under no circumstances would I be taking risks.
I'm terrified of it most people who have had it are terrified of it so no yanbu.

Sepsis is fucking scary.

If I'd read your post yesterday I'd have said you were unreasonable.Reading it today, just after reading a post from a man widowed after his pregnant wife died with covid I'd say do whatever makes you feel comfortable and consider no contact other than facetime etc with the SC for a few weeks.

I think what’s important is that you’re not asking if you’re unreasonable to be anxious. You’re asking if you’re unreasonable to FEEL anxious, so no, YANBU, especially after going through sepsis and PTSD. It sounds like you’re doing everything you can to control how you feel and be reasonable about the fact that DSC have a place in your household, even if they get ill. I don’t know what your custody arrangements are, but I don’t think it would be ridiculous at all, if they start showing signs of illness right before your c-section, to ask them to isolate at their mum’s for the week, especially as there are even more clinical factors involved.

I’m sure either the debrief nurse or your therapist has tried to at least reassure you that sepsis from strep A is like a lightning strike; terrible luck but so rare (I had to read it twice because I thought you must have said staph A). But I also don’t think there’s any reason to have sick children in the house right before a possibly complicated surgery either, if it can be helped. If they were your biological children and not SC, I would still recommend asking a grandparent/aunt/uncle, etc, to care for them if they had the sniffles right before someone in the house with your background (previous complications, possible future complications) was due to have surgery.

Thank you for the understanding replies, I appreciate them.

I think I do have prenatal depression yes, that coupled with my already existing PTSD means I'm probably not thinking as clearly as I could be. Logically I know the chances of it happening again aren't high but my PTSD is screaming "but it will. You'll die"

I referred myself for some more therapy in the hopes of getting some by the time i have baby but due to waiting lists it's not seeming likely.

Midwife knows how I'm feeling and kindly suggested the therapy mentioned above.

Unfortunately I don't have any faith in OH or his ex being on board with minimising the spread of germs as they're both very cavalier with that type of thing. We've had arguments about them coming with covid symptoms and no test with no heads up, multiple times.

It looks like I'm just going to have to suck it up doesn't it?

@lilmishap

I've had sepsis following a miscarriage that didn't pass and it nearly finished me off as well. Under no circumstances would I be taking risks. I'm terrified of it most people who have had it are terrified of it so no yanbu.

Sepsis is fucking scary.

Oh god that's awful, I'm so sorry for your loss and what you went through afterwards @lilmishap

It took a good year for me to physically recover nevermind mentally.

How are you doing now?

Can your DH go and stay elsewhere for 2 weeks before your c section? That way he can see his children as usual without them bringing any bugs to you. Considering what happened before he should be more considerate of your worries & wishes.

Good luck @GreatestShowman

@CoffeeBeansGalore

Can your DH go and stay elsewhere for 2 weeks before your c section? That way he can see his children as usual without them bringing any bugs to you. Considering what happened before he should be more considerate of your worries & wishes.

Good luck @GreatestShowman

Thank you

Unfortunately not very likely, the only option would be his father's but fathers partner would never agree to it. She would cite lack of space and the fact she works nights (the reality is she doesn't like having any of the children there, sadly)

Yanbu to be scared and concerned. Since you are taking stringent precautions with your own dd what about asking your partner to stay elsewhere with his son. For example he could stay over with him at grandparents if they live nearby or in a Premier Inn? That way at least some risk is minimised and you might feel better in youslrself. Kids are a bag of germs unfortunately, I am 38 weeks with a stinking cough and cold ( two negative pcr tests) that my ds has given to me after being back at nursery only a week. Had both my kids been nursery age I would have kept them off nursery till baby had been born but my dd has started her first year of primary so have no choice.

You really should speak to your partner.

I'm mostly fine but I took a few years to get over the mental stuff, nightmares, a few panic attacks and I was close to agoraphobia because I was so obsessed with not getting it again. I did feel silly for it but I couldn't switch it off.

I was told it's normal to be frightened of it for the rest of your life because it isn't a phobia, it nearly killed me, there was no bloody warning and you're supposed to take heed of things that can do that!

Does your OH know that it was most likely his kids that caused you to be so ill?

Sceptre grandparents not possible but a premier inn is something worth me mentioning to him, good idea. I think he would huff and puff a bit to begin with but would oblige if I put my foot down.

As great as he was when I was going through it all, I think after a while he developed a bit of compassion fatigue as it was quite a while ago now and he can only empathise to an extent. I do think he feels I'm a bit OTT about avoiding a recurrence as in his mind it won't happen again.

I expect some backlash from his ex for "shipping the kids off to a hotel" but in reality I think they'd quite enjoy it.

lilmishap I can relate entirely. I still have nightmares now and whilst they're not always sepsis specific the general theme is me being in danger / life being at risk.

pinkyredrose Yes he does. It was him who had the penny drop moment after the debrief because he remembered DSC having a sore throat that week.

I remember not so long back I had a couple of arguments with OH about his cavalier attitude to covid / spreading germs.

His ex sent DSC here a few times with active symptoms of covid, before any of us were vaccinated, and didn't feel the need to get them tested or give us a heads up first so we could arrange tests for them.

Obviously that didn't go down well with me and I made it clear I wasn't happy about it and he/she must be more responsible, he didn't feel as though it was a huge deal even though my health still wasn't 100% after the sepsis (I developed some secondary issues afterwards)

The end result of those arguments were him saying he couldn't force her to get them tested but if they arrived with symptoms he'd just take them out and walk around for hours instead, but added the caveat that he would still end up getting whatever it was (be it covid or a cold - I've no worries about colds btw) because he'd have already been exposed.

Cue a bit of petulance from him.

Point of this post is that I can't really rely on either of them to consider my health.

I think that your husband isnt helping here. At all. You are clinically and emotionally vulnerable. And he breaks the law by refusing to get kids with covid symptoms tested. Of course you're worried, because you're married to a twat, and his ex is a twat, and their twatty actions are exposing you more than you need to be exposed at a worrying time

Given your previous experience, it’s not unreasonable to want to take some extra precautions in the weeks leading up to the birth. A premier inn, Airbnb, etc are all options if your household budget can stretch. I would talk to your OH and be honest about your fears and say you want to find a solution that gives you some protection, but that does not interfere with Oh contact with dss. Make that last part very clear from the very start that you aren’t asking him not to see his son.

Because your heavily pregnant, you need to be very concerned about getting covid.

Why don't you check in to a hotel for a break?

DrinkFeck Thank you for validating how I feel. I agree his general blase attitude to health doesn't help my state of mind at all and it's why I haven't mentioned what I have in my OP, yet.

His ex has been a bit awkward since DD came along which I think comes from a place of motherly instinct / not wanting things to change for her DC which I totally understand (and they never have). It's just unfortunate that it manifests itself as her being blatantly inconsiderate sometimes.

Driftingblue I'm going to have the chat with him when he's off work tomorrow, I do think the premier inn (or air bnb) idea is a good one and we can afford it. I would never ask nor expect him not to see DSC (more than one DC) and will make that crystal clear to him.

Aquamarine1029 To be honest I am. I'm reassured in part by the fact I'm vaccinated now but I'm still cautious, it just feels as though whenever I mention it or get a bit concerned about DSC coming with what could be covid having not been tested - it's met with a bit of an eye roll and "not everything is covid, it won't be covid"

I got two boxes of tests from the chemist a few months ago and apart from OH using one at my insistence, I'm the only one who bothers to test when anybody has a cough which is quite often because DSC are always ill. He's not remotely enthusiastic about testing the DSC and I believe that's because he doesn't want to piss off his ex who I suspect will accuse me of being dramatic and trying to imply things.

Notavegan

I'm on crutches and pretty much housebound at the moment because of SPD, I have it badly. I'd also be reluctant to leave DD multiple times per week as she's still tiny and relies on me alot. It makes more sense for OH to take DSC in the grand scheme of things.

I totally understand. You don’t need to catch anything so near the birth nor does your baby! It’s a shitty situation. Don’t feel bad talking to dh about it. I’m a bit annoyed for you though that he is so flippant.

@Yummymummy2020

I totally understand. You don’t need to catch anything so near the birth nor does your baby! It’s a shitty situation. Don’t feel bad talking to dh about it. I’m a bit annoyed for you though that he is so flippant.

Thank you, I'm so glad people can see my POV.

If he had it his way I wouldn't even be keeping DD off nursery, he accepts it's my final decision but initially said that it's depriving her of her "education"

It's all well and good when he's somebody who never really gets ill, isn't vulnerable and hasn't had a near death experience in the not so distant past.

As they say ignorance is bliss.

He sounds like an awful selfish arse and his ex with him.

Sepsis is absolutely terrifying.

You poor woman.

YANBU for a minute.

Awful to think of you so vulnerable with such a selfish man.