Someone in the house or early onset of dementia

[penguinparty00]

I know this sounds ridiculous so just bear with me - My father is 83 and today I get a call from my mother who is away this weekend visiting other family to say someone has been in the house and was it me ( I don't live there but do have access) I said no and she said my father said he went to the local shops and when he came back he opened the front door, it smelt like fish and someone had been cooking fish in the microwave and had left through the back door leaving the door and gate open. I couldn't get my head around what was being said so I said I would go and check in in my father so I'm here now and will be staying the night but he is adamant someone came into the house while he was out shopping, cooked fish in the microwave and left out of the back door - I know even as I type this it sounds bonkers I guess I'm just looking for advice what an earth is going on is my father showing early signs of dementia? I smelt the microwave I couldn't smell anything unusual, I looked in the bin - no wrappers or anything and I just can't see how someone could of got in/ out without a key, nothing has gone missing as far as we can tell so what on earth is going on? I plan to change the locks and hook up cameras outside and in the meantime I will stay the night as I don't want to leave him in his own but
I just can't get my head around any of it
And how it could possibly of happened yet I've never seen him so adamant! Any advice would be so welcomed right
now

Yes @FlorallyBankrupt ! Mum passed all the tests with flying colours - diagnosed via brain scan.

Yes to the PP saying the fish smell can be electrics going a bit haywire.

Also UTI. My grandad made no sense with a UTI.

You can have hallucinations when you have a urinary tract infection. My Nan has a lot of these - we'd always think oh no! She's losing her marbles! Then she'd have a course if antibiotics and she'd be back to normal. So ask the dr to check for a uti.

My 88 year old mother is in a home with Alzheimers. It was a slow process but she began with stories that people were coming in and watching her sleep, the man next door was stealing her clothes (he is married and has a teenage daughter). And people were coming in and taking her 'coffemate' powder. Truth was she would fall asleep with the television on, mislay clothes (but neighbour offered to take any unwanted clothes to the charity shop for her) and she had several tubs of coffemate on the go at the same time. She thought neighbours were looking in through the curtains. They were not - she lived in at the end of a tiny cul de sac with lovely and caring neighbours.

At the time she would have been able to tell you the date the year and who the Prime minister was but it was the start of a slippery slope. After that came a loss of confidence. She stopped going out. Stopped phoning people. The memory loss came later - it was the confusion and delusions that were the first signs.

Posters above said it could be a UTI and that is true. Another poster above quite rightly stated 'we are not doctors' and again that is true, but there is no getting away from the fact that over the age of 80 the current dementia rates are 1 in 6.

I am glad you are having a frank conversation with your mother. She may be in denial or she may need help.

Good luck OP.

It could be dementia or a Uti or something else. Best to get advice from a doctor.

It's very like the dementia experiences my dad had. He was always adamant about it being people coming in too.
As pp have said, a UTI can cause hallucinations too, and with my dad they tested and treated him for a UTI as a way to rule that out as part of his dementia diagnosis. So I would contact his GP, say he is acting oddly and can he be seen and checked out for a UTI. As part of that you should also mention your worry that this could be dementia symptoms. With luck your GP will be helpful. Some are more than others, so you may have to push it if not.
Talk to your mum. She has almost certainly been covering for him and compensating for what he forgets or can't do - perhaps unconsciously. My mum did this, it's very common in spouses. She may be in denial about it but she also may tell you details that will now be useful.
The process of diagnosing dementia takes a while and I would guess has slowed due to CovId. In the meantime, reassure your dad that you'll help him sort things out. Don't contradict him - I made this mistake, he will only dig his heels in. Odd as it sounds, his version of events is the least scary one to him. The alternative is admitting he has done things he doesn't remember doing, which is terrifying. Try to think of anything you could do to help keep him safe. If he drives, try to get him to stop or suggest he takes a break as the car needs servicing - that sort of thing.

Good luck - it's a hard and depressing journey but your dad is lucky to have you and your mum.

I don't know but with regards to cooking fish in the microwave. Fish has such a strong smell that can last for days in someone's kitchen. The fact that you went straight over and couldn't smell anything in the microwave would indicate to me that part isn't true :-(

Have you asked your dad any direct questions recently?
Such as what time is it, who is the prime minister, name of US president shot in 1960s etc.

My mum has dementia and we had an inkling something wasn't right. But we were completely shocked when she failed to answer a series of questions like the ones above at the GPs. We realised mum was hiding the problems and it's quite possible to hold a conversation for a long time without answering a direct question or saying anything particularly meaningful. When was the last time someone asked you exactly what time it is? They assume you already know.

Candleabra
Yes, exactly this. I used to work in a memory clinic and the amount of relatives who would sit in shock when their Mum or Dad was unable to answer the most basic questions They truly had no idea because they never asked anything deeper than basic social chit chat.

MN annoys me sometimes, when anybody mentions that they have concerns about an older person's odd behaviour, there will be disparaging comments such as "someone will be along to say they have dementia now". The assumption being that it's ageist to consider this, when in fact dementia is relatively common and should definitely be considered.

I've sadly known marriages split up and even DC be sexually assaulted because dementia wasn't on the radar. It doesn't just affect the over 80s either, I've seen many people in their 50s with it.

Yeah, my mum saw all sorts - troops of little dancing men in the garden (she liked them!), to full blown conversations with my dead for a decade dad (including making his tea for him), to the more sinister, complex hallucinations involving the house being on fire or people waiting at the gate to take her to prison. See the GP as soon as. It’s very difficult and will take it’s toll on you emotionally if it is dementia. I am sorry you will probably be going through what so many of us have experienced.

Agree again with many of the above.
If your Dad @penguinparty00 is stubborn about doctors, you could have a word on the QT with your GP. Without obviously telling you anything against patient confidentiality, they will help. We spoke to ours about my Mum (still driving, organizing bus trips for groups, going to night school and flying off to India etc, yet also convinced of all the things I said in my pp) and they sent a letter inviting her for a "check up" She went along happily "one of those things I expect they offer to everyone my age" and it was from there we got her into the system.
There is an invaluable ongoing chat in Elderly Parents- my Mum died last year but they were so much help to me both with practicalities and just being there.

@Geamhradh

Agree again with many of the above. If your Dad *@penguinparty00* is stubborn about doctors, you could have a word on the QT with your GP. Without obviously telling you anything against patient confidentiality, they will help. We spoke to ours about my Mum (still driving, organizing bus trips for groups, going to night school and flying off to India etc, yet also convinced of all the things I said in my pp) and they sent a letter inviting her for a "check up" She went along happily "one of those things I expect they offer to everyone my age" and it was from there we got her into the system. There is an invaluable ongoing chat in Elderly Parents- my Mum died last year but they were so much help to me both with practicalities and just being there.

That's a good idea. We got MIL to go by telling her it was to talk about a covid vaccine and have a health check before they did it. We'd spoken to the doctor about our worries first so she then basically did an initial dementia assessment and asked a series of basic questions like birth date, today's date, year, season, parents full names, address, phone number etc. Mil could only answer 2 out of 10. The reason we got her to go was partly because she had started to say people were coming into the house and moving things around.

how's it going @penguinparty00

Any chance he has a UTI? UTIs are common in the elderly and can trigger delirium, including hallucinations and believing things that are obviously untrue. If he has no other signs of dementia my mind would go to a UTI first.

Is it maybe worth it to put a couple of cameras? Not to watch them but to check if/when something happens.

MIL put a couple of cameras in her late mother's house (she was in her 90s already) to make sure she was ok and they were a peace of mind. Occasionally she could check that her mother was in the sofa and had not fallen, which had happened before....

@penguinparty00 I don't want to worry you, but if there is an electrical fault in the house wiring it can cause a weird fishy smell. Is there anyone that can check on him?

I would chat to your mum before anything further - it seems like she took his report seriously and that might imply he hasn't demonstrated this kind of confusion to her previously.

Get her to keep an eye for sure.