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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to message DS using DDs phone?

66 replies

rares · 20/08/2021 19:01

I check DD(12) phone, she knows this and is fine with it.

Earlier, I read a message from DS(22) saying ‘dont tell mum about what I told you last night’, DD replied that she wouldn't. They are close, so I know if I asked her, she wouldn't tell me.

WIBU to message DS, pretending to be DD?

OP posts:

Lolwhat · 20/08/2021 21:32

Yeah crack on, why not give your kids a healthy dose of trust issues? YABU

HollyStripes · 20/08/2021 21:33

what would a 22 year old be confiding in a 12 year old? surely its something superficial (and not worth asking about) rather than anything big? shes 12

Horst · 20/08/2021 21:50

You do realise he would likely no straight away it wasn’t his sister right. Your texting style/emot use would be different.

Also highly likely she would already know exactly why not to tel you so dead give away asking that.

DroopyClematis · 20/08/2021 21:51

Put yourself in your children's shoes.

Keep away.

hardboiledeggs · 21/08/2021 09:14

He’s a 22 year old Man, YABU

thebeatingofthedrums · 21/08/2021 10:21

If you're this nosy, it might well be a trick between them and nothing might have been said!

People don't want to tell their parents everything. If they have a good relationship with their siblings, then that's great.

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/08/2021 10:22

I understand the temptation but he won’t trust you again.

PinkiOcelot · 21/08/2021 10:24

No. Just no.

memememe · 21/08/2021 10:28

id talk to your daughter about the difference between secrets and surprises and that they should only be kept if they make her feel good about them. i also have a big age gap between my kids and id totally trust my eldest so id keep out of it. only you know what hes like....

BoredZelda · 21/08/2021 10:41

I check DD(12) phone, she knows this and is fine with it.

This is a cop out, an excuse for being nosy. I check my 12 year old’s conversation groups with school kids, to ensure there is no bullying going on and also to make sure she isn’t talking to strangers. I do not check her conversations with family members, her dad, her cousin etc. That is crossing a line into intrusion.

If you want to know what is going on, just ask.

NoSquirrels · 21/08/2021 10:45

You want to commit identity fraud?

You want to demonstrate that your children can’t trust you?

Of bloody course you can’t do that.

You can - as DD12 knows you’re checking her phone - say ‘I saw a message from your brother saying don’t tell me about something and I don’t want you to break your brother’s trust but I just wanted to be sure he’s not in trouble about anything.’

Or you could do it in reverse with your DS ‘I saw your message to DD and you don’t have to tell me anything you’re not comfortable with but I just wanted to check you were OK.’

melj1213 · 21/08/2021 11:45

OP why would you risk breaking the trust between your children, and with yourself, over something that could potentially be perfectly innocent?

There is 8 yrs between my eldest and youngest siblings, and we have all done or said something we didn't want our parents to know/hear about at some point or other, whilst in the presence of at least one sibling. 90% of the time it was innocent idiocy or minor rule breaking (eg being caught sneaking in after curfew, getting caught throwing up in the bushes outside outside because you got home legless when you promised mum you'd be sensible and "only have a couple", being caught trying to hide one of mum's figurines that we'd broken accidentally etc) and the other 10% were things like surprises or information we wanted to tell our parents "first" but a sibling had got wind of the news (eg when my eldest brother and SiL found out they were pregnant they wanted to announce it to the whole family together at Sunday dinner. My sister had popped in to see them a few days before and overheard them planning the announcement but she was then sworn to secrecy so that mum and dad wouldn't know they weren't the first to know)

If you want to find out what it is I would just be honest - tell your DS you were looking at his sister's phone and saw his message. Tell him he shouldn't be asking his sister to be keeping secrets from you and now you're concerned there is a problem/issue that he feels he can't tell you about. Give him the opportunity to tell you whatever it is and it will probably all end up being nothing of any real consequence but you won't have broken anyone's trust.

Skyla2005 · 21/08/2021 12:47

@rares

I don't think its about a gift, as he also wrote or dad.

I would've sent a message saying why she can't tell us.

Think about the reasons he can't tell you things. Because this is what you are like !

therocinante · 21/08/2021 18:24

Jesus don't do that. What if it's just that he's ...I don't know, got a girlfriend/boyfriend/is moving towns (i.e. nothing life threatening or inappropriate) and he just wants to tell you himself because (reading between the lines with your idea of impersonating your daughter to get information) you have a tendency to overreact!?

Leave it.

If you want to casually remind both your children that you're there for them, great. But don't go snooping for what could just be "I've met someone and they're really nice but mum and dad will go overboard asking about them loads if I tell them before it's serious".

therocinante · 21/08/2021 18:28

@MrsTerryPratchett

No one but no one gets to ask my minor child to keep a secret. She can decide to have private matters. But it's a dodgy road asking 12 year olds not to disclose anything to a supportive adult.

Secrets and lies.

But "Don't tell mum and dad I've got a new girlfriend yet I can't be bothered with them pestering me about it" is a perfectly normal sibling secret to keep - it could be all kinds of non-concerning things that actually the siblings have every right to decide amongst themselves.

I think it also depends if it's the kind of thing DD would want to tell out of fear/concern or whether it's something innocuous she might mention by accident. "Don't tell mum I got arrested" vs. "Don't tell mum I'm thinking of moving to Manchester cos she'll flap and I've not decided yet" are very different things and in the case of stuff like the latter I don't think it's dodgy for someone to ask that of their sibling at all...

Pebbledashery · 21/08/2021 18:35

Definitely not. Give your kids some privacy for god sake. If it was a serious problem I'm sure he'd come to you.

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