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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to message DS using DDs phone?

66 replies

rares · 20/08/2021 19:01

I check DD(12) phone, she knows this and is fine with it.

Earlier, I read a message from DS(22) saying ‘dont tell mum about what I told you last night’, DD replied that she wouldn't. They are close, so I know if I asked her, she wouldn't tell me.

WIBU to message DS, pretending to be DD?

OP posts:
Name12341 · 20/08/2021 19:57

Whatever it is it's down to him to share. Speak to him, explain you don't expect him to tell you but just wanted to make sure he's ok and that there's no serious issue like depression.

TSSDNCOP · 20/08/2021 20:00

No. Ask him using actual words and parenting skills.

Globaluser · 20/08/2021 20:05

What are you planning on messaging to find out? “Can you tell me your secret again? I forgot what it is”? 😂

Expecttheexpected · 20/08/2021 20:05

You need to have a chat with your DD and ask her whether it's something serious that she needs to disclose to you.

Expecttheexpected · 20/08/2021 20:06

@Globaluser

What are you planning on messaging to find out? “Can you tell me your secret again? I forgot what it is”? 😂
🤣🤣
pilates · 20/08/2021 20:09

Bad idea

sonjadog · 20/08/2021 20:09

It might be about Christmas presents, about a new girlfriend, that he has applied for a new job. Surely at age 22 he is unlikely to be telling his 12 year little old sister about becoming a drug dealer or robbing the bank or whatever awful thing you think he might be up to?

Just leave them to it and no doubt you will find out in time if it is something important. Your plan will be found out and will break both of your children's trust in you, so don't do it.

MNSEN · 20/08/2021 20:11

@Globaluser

What are you planning on messaging to find out? “Can you tell me your secret again? I forgot what it is”? 😂
Grin

You need to remind/tell them both that no adult - male, female, relation, friend, whoever should ever ask a child to keep a secret of any kind from her parents. Ever.

merryhouse · 20/08/2021 20:12

Ask yourself what you have shown disapproval of. It's probably that.

SunshineCake · 20/08/2021 20:12

What a horrible idea. Do not be silly.

Yesitsbess · 20/08/2021 20:15

Is it nearly your birthday?

FelicityBeedle · 20/08/2021 20:15

@MNSEN
NOt even “ I’ve got a girlfriend, not ready to tell mum yet” or “I think im going to get her /gift of a lifetime/ for Christmas, what do you think?” Don’t tell her though.

12 isn’t a young child where absolutes are necessary

Leah2005 · 20/08/2021 20:22

It could be they are texting to wind you up. If ds knows you check dd's phone, why would he send her a message about a secret?

Original poster
rares · 20/08/2021 20:26

I don't think its about a gift, as he also wrote or dad.

I would've sent a message saying why she can't tell us.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 20/08/2021 20:27

No one but no one gets to ask my minor child to keep a secret. She can decide to have private matters. But it's a dodgy road asking 12 year olds not to disclose anything to a supportive adult.

Secrets and lies.

GrettaGreen · 20/08/2021 20:35

Catch him on the hop and say "I know what happened last night so tell me your side. Start at the beginning please". Don't give him any more info.

MNSEN · 20/08/2021 20:41

@MrsTerryPratchett

No one but no one gets to ask my minor child to keep a secret. She can decide to have private matters. But it's a dodgy road asking 12 year olds not to disclose anything to a supportive adult.

Secrets and lies.

This.

The problem with good secrets or little secrets or benign secrets is that they are exactly what abusers use to groom children. A friend of mine told me a story recently about how a mutual friend of ours had got something really cool from work for her son and had given it to him with a lot of, 'you can't even tell mum and dad about this' to hype up the specialness even further. And he's a good trusted friend and there is no question that this was all entirely innocent. But it made me wince because it's also terrible safeguarding.

I think this is an absolute line, even at 12, sorry.

DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo · 20/08/2021 20:43

It's an massive age gap between a 12 year old girl and a 22 year old man,

You need to have a direct conversation, OP.

AffableApple · 20/08/2021 20:47

It's your 12-year-old child, but also it's your 22-year-old son. It's not some random stranger telling your kid to keep secrets, it's a private conversation between siblings. They are entitled to a private relationship as brother and sister. There are huge age gaps between my siblings. They don't have to run every conversation through parents, any more than yours do. This is, I'm afraid, none of your business. Unless he has form for something you are worried about which you're not mentioning. And crucially, it's his secret business, not hers. So leave it be. Or nothing will ever get left on that phone for you to see again..

MNSEN · 20/08/2021 20:58

@AffableApple

It's your 12-year-old child, but also it's your 22-year-old son. It's not some random stranger telling your kid to keep secrets, it's a private conversation between siblings. They are entitled to a private relationship as brother and sister. There are huge age gaps between my siblings. They don't have to run every conversation through parents, any more than yours do. This is, I'm afraid, none of your business. Unless he has form for something you are worried about which you're not mentioning. And crucially, it's his secret business, not hers. So leave it be. Or nothing will ever get left on that phone for you to see again..
Totally disagree. No-one keeps secrets with my 11 year old dd. Not her dad, not her grandparents, not even me.
cheninblanc · 20/08/2021 21:01

No, I stumbled across a message on the screen of my daughters ipad when I was charging it for her while she was at work. I've never ever mentioned it, I know she tells her sister everything but I'd never break that trust from either them. Neither will trust again if you do that

Starseeking · 20/08/2021 21:10

Don't pretend to be your DD, but you DO need to have a serious word with your DS. At 22 is he so immature that he can't see that encouraging a pre-teen to have secrets from her parents is a huge no-no??? I wouldn't mention this specific text to your DD although I would talk to her about not keeping secrets in an abstract way, but I absolutely would bring it up with your DS.

Xeak · 20/08/2021 21:12

Yabu to message as your dd. If you want to know ask one of them, but don't pretend, totally wrong to do that.

TSSDNCOP · 20/08/2021 21:23

The thing is it could be completely innocent eg DS has booked his driving test, or has a new girlfriend. OP won't know until she asks.

Kollamoolitumarellipawkyrollo · 20/08/2021 21:30

@MrsTerryPratchett

No one but no one gets to ask my minor child to keep a secret. She can decide to have private matters. But it's a dodgy road asking 12 year olds not to disclose anything to a supportive adult.

Secrets and lies.

Completely agree
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