Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lost my temper over peas

38 replies

ElliPolly · 20/08/2021 17:22

So apparently I am a “psychopath” and to be honest I shouldn’t have raised my voice but in my heart of hearts I don’t believe things should be this hard work all the time.

My husband is working tonight and offered to go and get our little one from nursery before he had to leave, we share a car and he needs to take it to work, our other little boy was at home poorly.

We are due to do the big shop and don’t have much in and he’s very against getting takeaways at the minute as we are trying to save so I asked if when he was getting the little one from nursery could he pop into the little shop next door and get a tin of peas, well how dare I ask him to get a tin of peas when he had to get to work and why couldn’t I have went earlier and got peas (he was off all day today too) I am also working tonight but from home which I will do while getting the little ones dinner, keeping an eye on them and getting them to bed. I explained that it’s as much his responsibility to make sure that there is food in the house and sometimes we need to do stuff we don’t want to because we are parents, I do it all the time!

It went from there and I just lost it, he can be such hard work, everything is always a drama.

He can be so grumpy and short with us all, he never wants to do anything, on a Sunday if I ask does he want to take the little ones to the park it’s met with huffs and puffs as it’s his day off and then god forbid we are running a little late getting home and the f1 has started before we get home.
It sometimes feels like the kids and I can’t do right for doing wrong.

When I first met him he had a very single guy lifestyle and lived on his own and I just feel like he still has this self entitled single guy mentality like how dare we inconvenience him, he’s tired, he works hard... his jobs is harder than mine, he’s more stressed than everyone, if he has a headache it’s not like the headaches anyone else has, his are worse.

When the kids are in bed he’s totally different and so funny and great company, I love this time with him and love him so much but this just isn’t the family dynamic that I thought we would have, he’s also very hard working and is the main earner but he seems to give this amazing friendly version of himself to everyone else and then we get this short grumpy version at home, he says this is because he can be himself around us but am I ridiculous to think he should be making an effort sometimes to be that guy with us too? Not all the time because of course everyone has bad days. I always have to be happy, easy going and bubbly and the fun happy one mostly because I feel like I need to be that person for the kids especially because he can be short and secondly because he hates if I have a bad day and let’s me know I’m being grumpy.

I know it’s peas but AIBU, for me it was a straw that broke the camels back.

Sorry for the mess of this post I just typed typed typed.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 20/08/2021 17:36

Did he want kids?

Original poster
ElliPolly · 20/08/2021 17:41

Yes he was more for it than I was it when we first started talking about having kids

OP posts:
Original poster
ElliPolly · 20/08/2021 17:44

I do think that family life isn’t what he thought it would be though

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 20/08/2021 17:47

He sounds like a knob

Do you want to stay married?

ChrissyPlummer · 20/08/2021 17:47

That was my first thought; whether he wanted kids or not. Does he feel pressure being the main earner? Sometimes, I know it’s not fair and I’m working on it, I’ll come home from work (DH is retired) and he’ll ask me to do something and I’ll just go “FFS! You’ve been here ALL day!”. He does more than his fair share of housework/cleaning/ironing but, if I’ve had a bad/tiring day I just don’t want to do anything else.

ponyexpress22 · 20/08/2021 17:50

I understand what you mean, you're the one making all the effort. My Dh was the same. Unfortunately I don't have the answer but it's often the way. Some men seem to think kids are our responsibility more than theirs.

dworky · 20/08/2021 18:00

@Hankunamatata

Did he want kids?
Irrelevant, he's got them!
Original poster
ElliPolly · 20/08/2021 18:00

I do want to stay married I really really love him but feel like I’m always holding on and waiting for the rare moments when he’s in a good mood or when we are around his family and he’s this really loving dad and partner. It can just make you feel so unwanted at times which is the hardest thing.

OP posts:
CanofCant · 20/08/2021 18:06

@ChrissyPlummer

That was my first thought; whether he wanted kids or not. Does he feel pressure being the main earner? Sometimes, I know it’s not fair and I’m working on it, I’ll come home from work (DH is retired) and he’ll ask me to do something and I’ll just go “FFS! You’ve been here ALL day!”. He does more than his fair share of housework/cleaning/ironing but, if I’ve had a bad/tiring day I just don’t want to do anything else.
I think that's different though. From the sound of it, both OP and her husband were at home. OP was looking after their other sick child.

I'm assuming you were doing the main bulk of childcare today OP so what was his excuse for not doing the big shop himself before work?

starmoonsun · 20/08/2021 18:06

I could have written your post re always getting the grumpy version and to everyone else his lovely and really social my do is exactly the same.
When I suggest doing things with the children its such a hassle etc. My children are a bit older (6 and 8) and he does take them out a bit more on his own (usually as I'm working though not to give me a break) but I have to suggest anything we do as a family, plan all holiday activities etc and then when he moans and I get cross its always my fault. When I moan about the kids behaviour its my fault nothing to do with him allowing them to behave badly until he loses his rag and gets really cross with them
Again it was him that was keener on having children.
I don't think anything will change you need to decide if you can bite your tongue and live with it or you can't and walk away.

CakeandGo · 20/08/2021 18:16

When the kids are in bed he’s totally different and so funny and great company
That’s sad to read because it’s so clearly the kids and family life that he dislikes.
Tbh raising a young family is mostly drudgery ime and there’s very little actual ‘fun’.
I sound a lot like your DH Blush having kids is so much harder then I realised and I had no idea what I was signing up to! I long for my child free days and it can feel like I’m counting down the years until they are a little more independent. Im not sure what to suggest. An open and honest talk about what you need from him. Have you discussed this before? How can he turn it on around his family but not at other times? He seems aware of the issue. What will it take to get a more permanent change from him? etc. For what it’s worth I do fake it around my DC and wider family and my DH knows I do this. When they go to bed I give a big sigh of relief.

Orgasmagorical · 20/08/2021 18:27

but feel like I’m always holding on and waiting for the rare moments when he’s in a good mood or when we are around his family and he’s this really loving dad and partner.

So many victims' lives are spent hoping for these rare happy moments. It's no life, ElliPolly, why shouldn't you get the loving dad and partner in private? Flowers

Original poster
ElliPolly · 20/08/2021 18:31

I have spoken to him about it a while ago because I got to a point where I felt like he was sucking the happiness out of me, I’m a really positive person but I felt like the negativity was physically draining me. He just said that this is who he is and I need to accept it but this wasn’t who he was when we first met and like you have said he can turn it on and off around other people, I just try and enjoy those moments when they come. As much as he is the main earner I also work and am also doing a teaching degree too but he still makes sure I know that he works harder because I only work 20 hours a week. I agree it’s family life he dislikes which breaks my heart because our kids are amazing and I do a lot to try and take the stress off of him.

OP posts:
notsorighteousthesedays · 20/08/2021 18:41

I don't want to depress you further EliPolly but I too spent years waiting for those rare moments, making excuses for him to the kids when he didn't want to do stuff with them etc etc and he still left. I feel like I wasted most of my adult life and only managed to show my children how to defer to a man who didn't really care. Sad

BoredZelda · 20/08/2021 19:02

I really really love him but feel like I’m always holding on and waiting for the rare moments when he’s in a good mood or when we are around his family and he’s this really loving dad and partner

No, you really really love a version of him that barely exists, and is only brought out for show.

Original poster
ElliPolly · 20/08/2021 19:06

@notsorighteousthesedays

I don't want to depress you further EliPolly but I too spent years waiting for those rare moments, making excuses for him to the kids when he didn't want to do stuff with them etc etc and he still left. I feel like I wasted most of my adult life and only managed to show my children how to defer to a man who didn't really care. Sad
I worry about this, I want my children to grow up in a happy home but also don’t want them to see their mum being spineless, how do you get that balance? I always thought my life would be different from those marriages you see with the grumpy husband but ironically that’s exactly what my life is becoming. He has just text me saying I love you and I believe he does but why is it people take the ones they love for granted so much.
OP posts:
Original poster
ElliPolly · 20/08/2021 19:09

@BoredZelda

I really really love him but feel like I’m always holding on and waiting for the rare moments when he’s in a good mood or when we are around his family and he’s this really loving dad and partner

No, you really really love a version of him that barely exists, and is only brought out for show.

I think this is true
OP posts:
BelindaBumcrack · 20/08/2021 19:20

You need to explain to him what he needs to do. No exceptions. I know you have already done so, but do it again, so he is absolutely clear about it.

He's doing the bare minimum and you know it. He's sending the 'I love you shit' to distract you from it. Make him step up and actually be decent dad. He either loves his kids and is prepared to support them financially or he isn't.

bg21 · 20/08/2021 19:27

yabu for eating tinned peas 🤢

Original poster
ElliPolly · 20/08/2021 19:29

@bg21

yabu for eating tinned peas 🤢
Haha totally fair enough Grin I was making a pasta for the kids and needed something fast to pop in it before I started work Blush
OP posts:
JSL52 · 20/08/2021 20:15

@ElliPolly

I do want to stay married I really really love him but feel like I’m always holding on and waiting for the rare moments when he’s in a good mood or when we are around his family and he’s this really loving dad and partner. It can just make you feel so unwanted at times which is the hardest thing.
Why are you waiting for the 'nice' moments ?
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/08/2021 20:24

This is going to eat away at you until you hate him OP. If you love your kids its going to be very hard to accept that he behaves like he doesn't actually like them, and if you stay with him it is potentially damaging for them. It's not fair that it's on you to be positive all the time, and that he has a go at you for daring to be in a bad mood occasionally, when that's his sole prerogative

DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo · 20/08/2021 20:32

Ah, I feel so sorry for you, OP.

Having young children is relentless and often not fun, but in my experience it's what bonds you as a couple, supporting each other through the tough times.

That's what gives you the shared connection for when they get older and you come out the other side.

Have you had a heart to heart? Does he want to listen to your side?

PragmaticWench · 20/08/2021 20:32

My DH was very like this for the first four years of having children. It was such an emotionally lonely place to be, as though the man I'd fallen in love with had withdrawn. Our situation was mostly down to our eldest being ill, constantly ill and we never got any sleep or a break from the drudgery. Everything felt so hard. Thankfully as that changed he emerged again, back to his usual self.

I'm not convinced from what you say that your DH does REALLY have cause to be like this.

PurpleNebula84 · 20/08/2021 21:10

I've decided to end things with my DDs dad for this exact reason - he is more important, barely does anything with our daughter and mostly sits on his arse on his phone - I'm done! CF now wants 50/50 contact- I'm now just waiting for the first day she is sick and him turning up on my doorstep because he can't possibly take time off work to deal with it - bearing in mind I've been primary care giver for the last 4.5 years too - and this man refused to take our DD to ballet dancing because it "wasn't his thing" - have the conversation now before you resent him - HE IS A PARENT x