Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Friend' not talking to me over a birthday card, who is being unreasonable?

72 replies

Henni19 · 20/08/2021 16:10

Friend of 20 years has stopped talking to me, the reason being I posted a birthday card for her child's 1st bday and didn't write the child's surname on it. I just put the first name and the address.
She apparently found this really offensive to her partner.
What I find offensive is that my young dc haven't received cards from her for about 3 years when they were babies.
I've always let it go but am pretty shocked that she's slating me to others over this and i feel like it's very petty.
AIBU to have sent the card without the surname? In all seriousness I was in a rush as was heading out the door to go on holiday and didn't want to misspell it!

OP posts:
EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 20/08/2021 16:28

I received a card in the post just this morning with just my first name on the envelope.

I didn't take it as a massive shade on my ancestors. How weird.

ElizaDoolots · 20/08/2021 16:29

What a PITA. Use this as an excuse to ditch her friendship, I’m sure your other friends know how much of an arse she is and won’t be taking any notice.

Notaroadrunner · 20/08/2021 16:30

@Henni19

This isn't out of character for her, she has form for being very work but I've always tried to be there for her. I honestly don't know how to handle her. I feel like over the years I've been so patient but to be willing to lose a friend for such trivial things blows my mind. She is slating me to our other friends but hasn't said anything directly to me, or acknowledged the card.
Why would you honestly be bothered having a friend like that? She's not a friend. She's a thundering bitch. Block her and move on. Concentrate on friends who actually appreciate you.
CabbagesGreen · 20/08/2021 16:30

Is it possible the partner got really offended and is making her think you're a terrible friend?

QuizzlyBear · 20/08/2021 16:33

@Hadalifeonce

I think I might be tempted to let her know 'it will never happen again'. Then don't contact her again. So immature of her I really couldn't be bothered with someone who thinks like that.
Exactly this. Leave the self-centred drama llama to her own production, don't participate.
bigbaggyeyes · 20/08/2021 16:34

The people she's slating you to, must think she's as mad as a box of frogs.

Original poster
Henni19 · 20/08/2021 16:35

@CabbagesGreen

Is it possible the partner got really offended and is making her think you're a terrible friend?
Definately not. Her partner is very placid and jokes about how high maintenance she is. He tries to be the voice of reason, I could write a book on things she has done with our other friends but it would be very outing. I think I am done with her, it's sad but I have questioned if the envelope was a massive error of judgement from me. Glad to see it wasn't!
OP posts:
Winter2020 · 20/08/2021 16:39

“She is slating me to our other friends but hasn't said anything directly to me, or acknowledged the card.”

Agree with bigbaggyeyes - your friends won’t give a shit. They’ll think she’s mad.

If she has said nothing directly to you I would phase her out as too much hard work. If she has directly told you I would just say “I won’t be sending any further cards so there won’t be a problem in future” and that would probably end the friendship unless she decides to apologise.

Original poster
Henni19 · 20/08/2021 16:40

@bigbaggyeyes

The people she's slating you to, must think she's as mad as a box of frogs.
Everyone's just used to her unfortunately. 1 mutual friend telling me to apologise to keep the peace. Won't be happening! I've let it slide that mine don't get cards, have always put it down to the fact she didn't have DC and therefore probably didn't think it would hurt me a little. I've never lost sleep over it and always had a text on the day of my dcs bdays to wish them a happy birthday. Very odd reason to lose one of your longest standing friends but hey!
OP posts:
ginswinger · 20/08/2021 16:44

Haha, I realised I don't know my my loved and often spoken to, niece and nephew's surnames! They live in another country with their parents, my brother is the non native to that country so I think they have their mother's surname but not really sure. That sounds terribly lapse on my part but really at the crux of it is that you remember the birthday and care enough to send a card.

readytosell · 20/08/2021 16:45

I was going to say what's the backstory, but seen your updates.

Honestly, it's such a non-issue to most normal, reasonable people I can't even comprehend how someone could actually make an issue of it.

But maybe it's the straw to break the camel's back and see this 'friend' as the drain it sounds like she is. I lost a longtime friend recently over some things that were equally trivial but standing back it's clear it had built up momentum over time. Don't miss the drama one bit!

ChargingBuck · 20/08/2021 16:49

Everyone's just used to her unfortunately. 1 mutual friend telling me to apologise to keep the peace.

If she's usually enabled & kowtowed to like this over her ridiculousness, no wonder she's high maintenance. Ditch, & keep the 'mutual friend' at arms length too, unless she comes to her senses.

Metabigot · 20/08/2021 16:49

Having been through similar with an (ex) friend all I can say is.. don't stand for it. Its never worth it.

If someone can't act respectful and flies of the handle on something so insignificant then unless she has a major u turn and genuinely apologises, which is rare, say bye bye

SailYourShips · 20/08/2021 16:54

You say you were worried about mis-spelling the last name, which is also her partner's name.

Is it a non-British name? If so, she might be perceiving a racial micro aggression.

Jeschara · 20/08/2021 16:57

No patience with this entitled Prat, she really is looking g for something to be offended by.
I do not have time for idiots like her, especially when we are hearing about the children in Afghanistan, now that is something to get upset about.
She can take her faddy woke behaviour and do one. Do not apologise, you are best rid of her.
I would also share this thread with her, it might just make her think about the way her behaviour affects others.

WomanStanleyWoman · 20/08/2021 16:58

@ChargingBuck

Everyone's just used to her unfortunately. 1 mutual friend telling me to apologise to keep the peace.

If she's usually enabled & kowtowed to like this over her ridiculousness, no wonder she's high maintenance. Ditch, & keep the 'mutual friend' at arms length too, unless she comes to her senses.

This happens all too often… the more reasonable person in an argument is expected to be ‘keep the peace’ or ‘be the better person’, and if they don’t, they somehow end up cast as the unreasonable one. That’s why the behaviour of people like crazy birthday card woman never gets addressed - and why she keeps on doing it.
MzHz · 20/08/2021 16:58

Oh sorry friend, let me just check what you wrote on any one of my kids cards for the last 3 years… oh yeah, you never sent any.

Good idea. I’ll save myself the stamp in future.

Original poster
Henni19 · 20/08/2021 17:06

@SailYourShips

You say you were worried about mis-spelling the last name, which is also her partner's name.

Is it a non-British name? If so, she might be perceiving a racial micro aggression.

No it's quite a British name I'm just terrible at remembering how to spell it. Closest example I can think of without outing is Fergasun / Ferguson kind of thing if you get my drift!
OP posts:
Famousinlove · 20/08/2021 17:10

She sounds absolutely bananas, is it likely she was looking for a reason to fall out with you?

Eddielzzard · 20/08/2021 17:13

What an exhausting person. Since she hasn't contacted you, there's no need to say anything. Job done. End of friendship. She must come across mad as a box of frogs. You have nothing to worry about on the 'bad mouthing' score.

SamW98 · 20/08/2021 17:17

She's a high maintenance drama queen who is acting like a twat over nothing. Maybe nows the time to realise you don't need her petty overreactions in your life and wave her goodbye.

Your mutual friend might mean well but its because people like her pussy foot around these entitled princesses that they get away with acting like spoit brats all their lives

Holothane · 20/08/2021 17:19

Oh dum- her she’s more trouble than she’s worth.

nimbuscloud · 20/08/2021 17:21

Life’s too short

Pollythecat15 · 20/08/2021 17:23

I wouldn't even think twice about it. I'd just be thankful that you had taken the time and thought to send my child a card.

It seems like a huge over reaction to me.

Maybe it's hormone related? Could she be suffering with PND?

Latenightreader · 20/08/2021 17:34

I’ve used just the first name when I’m not sure what the child’s surname is (parents both kept their maiden names) and it never occurred to me that they might be offended... I agree with the others that it will be good to rid yourself of this drama llama!

Swipe left for the next trending thread