Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU? Bf dropped his son home then stayed with his ex till 2am getting pissed

37 replies

Jengachamp · 20/08/2021 15:14

As title says.. we've been together nearly year. I have 2 older children. He has DS (4). He sometimes pops in to his exs when he drops his son off for a bit but last night forgot his phone then came back at 2am drunk having stayed there from 9pm.
I don't think there's anything going on as such, although she isn't in a relationship (and he was her first bf) they were together 10 years. Myself and her have never had a conversation (seen her at drop off etc).
He says I should trust him and now isn't talking to me as I said going forward I see it as non negotiable that he doesn't stay round there getting pissed at nigh,t as I feel its disrespectful to me and our relationship, even if nothing is going on as such (background: apparently their DS was up and she lives with her mum, and this was quite a common thing for them to do in the past I think).
Other than this we have been really happy and he's lovely to me and my kids. (we did have words in the early months as he was going out getting wasted and coming back to mine but hes not been like that in recent months)

Thoughts?

OP posts:

CanofCant · 20/08/2021 15:17

Sounds like too much hard work for me, especially as you have been together for less than a year. I wouldn't trust that nothing had happened between them either.

dustofneptune · 20/08/2021 15:24

Hmmm. Difficult one. I live with one of my exes and we've been best friends for over a decade, since we broke up. I have hated it in the past when partners have tried to tell me what I'm "allowed" to do with him (i.e. no holidays together, no texting every day, etc.). I've broken up with people over it. Some people really are able to be great friends after a relationship.

On the other hand, I've also been cheated on by partners who said they were "just friends" with their exes. And I stupidly believed them, because I'm friends with my ex!

Really, it comes down to trust and boundaries.
If you don't want a boyfriend who gets wasted regularly (regardless of with who), then there's your answer.
If you don't fully trust him to be faithful, then there's your answer.
If you do trust him, but still find it disrespectful (not sure why, though?), and he still wants to do it, there's your answer.

Basically, you need to decide if he's actually the kind of guy you want to be with. From what you've said, he wants to hang out with his ex, he won't have anyone telling him what to do, and he likes to stay out late getting drunk. Can you accept that?

AnyFucker · 20/08/2021 15:26

Define “as such” because I would bet my house they are still at it

1FootInTheRave · 20/08/2021 15:30

100% they are still fucking.

PickAChew · 20/08/2021 15:31

I don't know what your AIBU question is but you would be unreasonable to stick with him. Whether he's up to anything with his ex, or not, his habit of getting blind drunk is not going to go away.

HollowTalk · 20/08/2021 15:32

I think if a poster mentions alcohol in connection with her boyfriend twice in one post, that's a huge red flag. If she also mentions he's close to his ex, that - in connection with the alcohol - is usually a red flag, too.

Whinginadeville · 20/08/2021 15:38

She and his child are his priority you aren't so I would walk giving ultimatums rarely works

dworky · 20/08/2021 16:00

@1FootInTheRave

100% they are still fucking.

There is no way you can know that for sure.

salooone · 20/08/2021 16:08

Their 4 year old was up until 2am whilst the parents sat getting pissed!? They sound like wonderful parents . He also likes to go out and get wasted, is that right? Why on earth do you want to bring a man like that into your kids lives? Do you see him as a good role model for them? These are the questions you need to ask yourself, not whether there's still something going on with the ex, although you can add being disrespectful of your feelings to his list of qualities I suppose.

Blanca87 · 20/08/2021 16:13

Are you saying he dumped his child at yours, for you to look after whilst he was getting pissed? And you’ve not even be going out for a year? If that is right then I think you may have attached yourself to a cheekyfucker of the highest order. Nip it in the bud or dump him this does not bode well at all.

SmokeyDevil · 20/08/2021 16:24

@salooone

Their 4 year old was up until 2am whilst the parents sat getting pissed!? They sound like wonderful parents

. He also likes to go out and get wasted, is that right? Why on earth do you want to bring a man like that into your kids lives? Do you see him as a good role model for them? These are the questions you need to ask yourself, not whether there's still something going on with the ex, although you can add being disrespectful of your feelings to his list of qualities I suppose.

Yeah why isn't this the problem? Why do you see some shitty parent as a great step dad to your kids?

He can't control how much alcohol he drinks and gets wasted regularly.
He allows his 4 year old child to stay up late watching this (great way to teach your kids this is normal and OK behaviour).
He is possibly cheating on you.
He stops talking to you and sulks when you don't like his behaviour.

If you really think this is a good man, please rethink those thoughts and definitely don't get pregnant by him.

Original poster

Jengachamp · 20/08/2021 16:31

Good points to consider....
He doesn't like his son being up late but she doesnt establish bedtime. And his ds refuses to sleep here. We talk about it often. I obvs have bedtime here even though my Ds has adhd and autism and trouble sleeping.
He is always kind. Supportive and loving to me and kids. Helps around the house. Cooks . We enjoy each others company and laugh every day. He never criticises or is mean.
But I do think he has issues with alcohol and communicating as can't take any criticism.
Best relationship I've been in since a couple of abusive ones. But maybe that's clouding my judgement.

OP posts:

NotYourCupOfTea · 20/08/2021 16:51

In the kindest way if this is the best relationship it doesn’t sound great
Walk away to much drama already

user1493494961 · 20/08/2021 16:57

I would end it due to the 'issues with alcohol'.

AnyFucker · 20/08/2021 18:38

This is an abusive relationship, just in a different way

Chikapu · 20/08/2021 18:47

Are you living together? It's all a bit too much drama for a less than a year relationship. I can't blame his four year old for not sleeping at your house, he barely knows you.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/08/2021 18:50

Take the blinders off, him carrying on with his ex like that is totally unacceptable. He's making a fool of you. Him moving in so quickly was not a good decision, either.

Bellend101 · 20/08/2021 18:52

Take off the rose tinted glasses, OP. He was with her for ten years, you guys have been together less than one, and he stayed til 2am getting drunk with her? Something happened. I don't believe the kid was up but if they were, does that make him look any better? Him being hammered while his kid was up and about? You'd be really daft to take this relationship any further.

QueenBee52 · 20/08/2021 18:53

Aaahhh so you're the Babysitter 🤔

gotcha

Dontwatchfootball · 20/08/2021 18:59

So he is disrespectful and doesnt care how you feel about what he is doing. And drinks too much. Sounds like a prince.

girlmom21 · 20/08/2021 19:00

You've been together less than a year and his child's stopping over regularly and you're playing step mom, yet he doesn't respect you enough to take your concerns on board?

You're right - your worse experiences have clouded your judgement. That doesn't make this relationship a good one.

mswales · 20/08/2021 19:05

Not being able to take criticism is a massive red flag, especially when it is to the point of giving you silent treatment. Impossible to have a healthy respectful relationship with someone like that.

mswales · 20/08/2021 19:06

And yes being fine to sit getting pissed with his 4 year old there until 2am is horrifying! Did you say the ex lives with her mother? I'm worried about this child

Shelovesamystery · 20/08/2021 19:08

@AnyFucker

Define “as such” because I would bet my house they are still at it

Sorry OP but I have to agree with this. It all sounds very suspicious.

aiwblam · 20/08/2021 19:09

I’d get rid. His reaction says it all. He should be sorry but instead he’s not talking to you. Prick.

Flip

1 2