How to handle FILs comment?

[stilling0]

Me and fiance have a 7 year old together.

Fiance's father was emotionally abusive towards him when he was growing up, but his dad apologised and we let him have a relationship with DS.

DS goes to MIL and FIL often, yesterday he went there, and when fiancè picked him up. He was quiet. He eventually told us that FIL told him he can't have his nails coloured in with pen as it's for ‘girls’. Fiancè confronted him and he said that DS will turn out to be gay if we let him

MIL then stuck up for FIL and told fiancè to stop overreacting!

Fiancè has said he doesn't want FIL anywhere near DS, which won't be possible as he'll be there whenever he sees MIL, and fiancè doesn't mind MIL seeing him/ taking him places.

What do we do?

I think you need to have clear conversations with your DS and why grandads comment was inappropriate and unkind.
It’s not a reason to go NC as it could be more harmful to DS to have him miss out on his grandparents who presumably normally are ok with him despite the history.
It’s an important lesson for your DS in life that he will meet lots of different people and attitudes good and bad and how he can handle it and be the bigger man.

@blubberyboo

I think you need to have clear conversations with your DS and why grandads comment was inappropriate and unkind. It’s not a reason to go NC as it could be more harmful to DS to have him miss out on his grandparents who presumably normally are ok with him despite the history. It’s an important lesson for your DS in life that he will meet lots of different people and attitudes good and bad and how he can handle it and be the bigger man.

OK.

So you can easily dismiss the OH who is unhappy.

History seeming to repeat itself

And a mother telling her adult son not it overreact - thus continuing the patterns of his childhood.

Why?

OPs child doesn't need to be emotionally abused in order to grow up a well rounded adult.

Just as his own father didn't.

Sometimes people are just unpleasant. And we don't have to maintain much contact with them just because they are family!

Adults aren't made to hang out with family who say racist or homophobic stuff and rationalize it "strange ideas"

I don't think that NC would be knee jerk considering that the Dad had years of this sort of abuse. The boy was quiet and withdrawn and made to feel embarrassment and shame when grandparents should be building them up. Sending him back sends the message that homophobia isn't a big deal and can be forgiven. If the boy turns out to be gay he will remember his grandfather's words and wonder if it was true even though he'd logically knowit's not

Have MIL visit you for contact with grandson. I'd be keeping my eye on her being FIL's flying monkey and repeating homophobic shit because unfortunately she defended FIL rather than OP's h or son

Whilst I get that homophobic comments aren't acceptable, I'm not sure I'd go non-contact over them. Lots of people (stupidly) have a problem with boys wearing nail polish.

Personally I'd have just said to FIL "what a load of crap" then told DS "FIL is old fashioned. There's nothing wrong with painting your nails. Or being gay for that matter".

No need to cut off all of DS extended family. Having lots of people who love him is a privilege and I wouldn't cut the relationship flippantly.

Lots of people missing the point here.
A) it wasn’t just a comment. It was a comment directed at the child to make him feel silly/stupid belittled
B) the grandfather and grandmother didn’t acknowledge what was said was wrong or apologise for upsetting the child at all.
C) the child was upset by the comment. It wasn’t just a comment that went over his head
And
D) the grandfather was emotionally abusive to the father. It’s not a comment from an otherwise loving and kind grandfather.

The father was abused. He kindly gave his parents a second chance and they fucked up. Had they apologised and said they do better it might have been ok. They didn’t, they refused to acknowledge they had done anything wrong proving they still don’t recognise that their behaviour is wrong.

It’s an important lesson for your DS in life that he will meet lots of different people and attitudes good and bad and how he can handle it and be the bigger man.

Allowing an abusive grandparent to abuse a child teaches them that they can't trust the adults in their lives to keep them safe. A 7 year old doesn't need to be the 'bigger man' when he's on the receiving end of homophobic abuse. He needs his parents to demonstrate that you don't have to put up with people who are cruel to you.

No need to cut off all of DS extended family. Having lots of people who love him is a privilege and I wouldn't cut the relationship flippantly.

Having a relationship with an abuser is NOT a privilege and describing their reaction as flippant is really dismissive of the years of abuse that the OP's fiance suffered.

@Ancientcistern 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ Please try reading my post again!!!!! I literally said multiple times that it wasn't acceptable - ie, not justified!!!

Goodness me. The reading comprehension skills of some on here is utterly dreadful....

But they have already had 'a very stern word' and the FIL didn't give a shit.

That was in the OP.

I don't think criticising others' reading comprehension shows you in a great light in this instance.