... to ask about how much help/support to offer for DD starting in Uni

[KnotKnot]

When I made that transition, apart from financial support. I was essentially left to my own devices, but it was easier in that I knew people going there already.

DD will be starting someplace where she knows no one, and is a few hours away. DD is not the most organized and not so good at planning in the real world (but always got good academic results).

Just interested to know what level of help/support you got, and any things you found especially helpful.

What sort of support are you thinking about?

I got none, and also went to a uni far away without knowing anyone. That was pretty normal in my experience, although some of my friends were sent money by their parents. None of us expected our parents to manage our lives or do our laundry or anything like that. It's the stage in life where you get to grow into independence in a safe environment!

I went to university two hours away and knew no one going.

I was the last year of Plan 1 and got the full maintenance loan. On top of that, my dad sent me £100 a month and I also got a part time job which earned about £500 every four weeks.

Should caveat however that my loan did cover my full accommodation, with enough left over for about £300 per month before my dad/job earnings.

Would she want your help?

I have 2 kids and they'd have the opposite requirements: one would want me to help as they encountered problems where as the other would appreciate a heads up that registering for a go quickly is a good idea

At least kids these days have the Internet for info so can look up stuff like what to take.

Ask her what help she wants

One of my sons wanted a lift there, and help setting up his room

The other wanted to go by train, and not be visited in the first 6 weeks

Not sure what sort of stuff you mean?

I helped DS put a list together of all the stuff he would need before he went, and went shopping with him.
I was on hand to help with all the form filling, enrolling on line, sorting out bank accounts etc when he asked.

WE sat down with him to work out a basic budget - how much he would have to spend each week and what sort of things he would need to be spending this on. He gets the minimum loan, so we pay his accommodation, and he lives off the minimum.

Suggested a few meals he could cook when he first moved in, made sure he had an idea about how to use a washing machine.

Made it absolutely clear he could ring, text, facetime at any time he wanted advice, help or just a chat.

He survived last year with all its additional complications - periods of self isolation, getting covid, not being able to mix with others and nearly all teaching on line.

The only support we gave ours was financial. They both knew we were here if they needed us, but we left the day to day stuff to them.

It is part of the experience of becoming independent, to try sort things out for yourselves, make new friends, etc.

Some things I found helpful were:

• drive to/from accommodation, as it allowed me to bring along some extra bulky stuff (music instrument) that would have been a problem otherwise

• some more/better cooking utensils ... stuff were I stayed was not good

I certainly helped with logistics and preparation.... Student Finance, helping choose bank accounts, accommodation, choosing/buying stuff for room, suggesting meal ideas and transport to/from home. We pay the accommodation, and the student loan is for everything else.

But once we depart on day one, it's up to them. Have never got involved in any of the academic/timetable side of things. We are always there for support when called upon, but they are in charge of their own destiny. But mine don't need any special support, and are pretty confident and resilient.

I had next to no support or input from my parents (well, they did the student grant application), but those were different times, and I was well used to looking after myself after years of boarding school.

Talk to her! Some people want help, some don't. I've always HATED people offering unsolicited advice, and from my mum was the absolute worst. I knew she meant well and I knew she had good ideas, but I wanted to work it out for myself. For me, part of the fun and challenge of uni was finding things out for myself. Your daughter might not want that, but talk to her to find out!

Basic cook book. She knows how to cook about twelve dishes.

Lesson on how to clean bathroom properly 😜. (I know she should know this already, but let's say she hasn't had much practice of late! )

Convo about budget.

Convo about consent (one of many over the years).

Lift there.

Self defence classes this summer.

Got an iPad thing with attachable keyboard for her most recent birthday (she paid for a third of it by working this summer).

Smoke alarm and carbon monoxide detector. (I know this could be construed as over the top but an acquaintance of ours died while they were in the bath in dodgy digs.)

Sewed two emergency £20 notes in to her jacket and backpack

And there are hamper companies through which you can send duvets, groceries, and IKEA starter kitchen sets, if teens don't want to lug it. I'm sure someone on here will be able to link. (We didn't use these as not in UK but my sister did for my nephew.)

Other useful stuff: door wedge (but don't contravene fire regs), spare chargers, wind up chargers, mini torch, padlocks.

Any help with logistics of moving is likely to be helpful. It's funny that the previous poster mentioned some of the smaller things from my Dad I found useful, i.e., flashlight, scissors, screw driver, pen knife. A bit silly, but I really needed them at various times!

Students in 1st year have a great time, but it's worthwhile to have the discussion on too much drink, drugs, protection, consent. I certainly overdid things and had sex I really did not want (might be considered rape today?).

Ask her. A lift there was appreciated.

It will totally depend on your daughter's personality, level of independence etc.

Driving to the University seems like a good idea as she can take more of her belongings with her but maybe don't stay around for too long!
I flew up to my University city (it was cheaper in those days to get a cheap flight than taking the train) and although it felt a bit unsettling to be one of the only students arriving without their parents, I settled in quite quickly. On the other hand I went with my parents to drop off both of my siblings at University and I think the fact that we were there for a couple of days (to make it worth the journey!) made it more difficult for them to adjust to the new environment.

I remember my Dad dropped me off for second year and took me to a a larger supermarket away from the city centre to get some of basics for self-catering so I guess this sort of help will be really useful if your DD is self-catering.

I don't see any problem with helping her with the logistics- you just need to ask her what help she'd like!

I certainly has the similar discussion about drink/drugs/consent with DS in first year. In fact I think it is more important to have these discussions with sons rather than daughters. I remember back in my time there were a lot of very aggressive thoughtless male students.

As an earlier poster mentioned, knowing that you are always just a phone call away for any reason is a great reassurance. I was raped a few weeks into college, didn't know many people there, didn't feel I could all DM. Let your DD know you are always available.

Make sure she's got all the basics she needs and leave her to it but make sure she knows where you are if she needs you.

She's choosing to go uni a few hours away so she's ready to be independent.

My parents left me to the planning (I'm an organiser) but drove me to uni and did a shop with me once there.

My DD is going next month. Sounds like yours - clever but disorganised! She and I have made a list of stuff she needs and family and I have bought most of it. She has chosen her own accommodation options snd we will pay. We've come up with a notional budget for her which we are GPs are contributing to. We will drive her there and do a big shop. I've encouraged her to look at her reading list and make a start on it but no traction there yet! Her boyfriend is going to the same uni. Other than that we've just talked about it a lot with her so she feels prepared. I've also taught her how to cook some basic meals and got her a student cookbook.

If she is not familiar with the location, if possible she could go there a few days early to get to know the area. For example, the layout of the campus, primary buildings for her course, local shops and so on. With those basics in place she'll be easier able to manage the confusing first week or two.

@CointreauVersial

I certainly helped with logistics and preparation.... Student Finance, helping choose bank accounts, accommodation, choosing/buying stuff for room, suggesting meal ideas and transport to/from home. We pay the accommodation, and the student loan is for everything else.

But once we depart on day one, it's up to them. Have never got involved in any of the academic/timetable side of things. We are always there for support when called upon, but they are in charge of their own destiny. But mine don't need any special support, and are pretty confident and resilient.

I had next to no support or input from my parents (well, they did the student grant application), but those were different times, and I was well used to looking after myself after years of boarding school.

I did this too - as well as discussing budgeting. I also subtly discussed making friends - your first friends are not necessarily your forever friends, and have a wide network - not just friends in your house but also friends on your course. That sort of thing.

And of course, I'm always there if needed. My DD had a very rough time in her first term or so - there were a lot of phone calls and I went up a few times to give her moral support. She didn't find her people straight away.

The rest of it - they've just got to figure out for themselves. Especially being organised and doing coursework. Its the only way they will learn to be independent.

On a practical level, make sure your DD knows how to cook, clean and look after herself. I never had to cook or clean at home, and looking back I should have been assigned more chores at home (of course I would have hated it at the time).

Being in uni gives great freedom, but there are also responsibilities. While it was a wonderful time, I had some really bad experiences. Make sure you are always available for support.

I got good financial support from my parents, but the day to day organising of my life was down to me. They were always on the end of the phone, but there was certainly an expectation that I just crack on with it.

To be honest, I didn't enjoy university very much. I struggled to make friends (which has never been a problem for me before, or since, so was quite a shock), and I was very lonely/homesick - especially the first year. I used to tick off the days on a calendar, counting the days until I could go home for a holiday.

But I'd say the best thing to do, is just to ask your DD what she wants. But she might not really know until she gets there - keep checking in regularly.

Discussion about money - not micromanaging what she is spending on but have clarity on what you will be contributing.

Eg a set amount each month or pay lump-sum upfront for halls/accomodation and then leave the rest to her to manage

You want to avoid a situation where she is coming to you for top ups or for things like train tickets - discuss in advance what you are contributing.

As long as it is clear then she should manage her own spending. You could discuss things like how much a reasonable sum for groceries is or make her do the family shop for a few weeks before she goes so she gets an idea.

Drive her there and make sure she has bedding, two sets of duvet covers, some bath towels, a tea towel, a clothes airer and a hot water bottle. Also some nightnurse/Sudafed/thermometer for the inevitable freshers flu

My mum made my bed when she dropped me off and when I went to bed at about 2am on the first night I was so relieved not to have to make it myself.

Does she know the basics of budgeting, cooking, cleaning, washing etc? It's much easier to settle in if you dont feel like you've got to learn a million new things as well.

My parents dropped me off with a load of booze on the first day which certainly helped making friends. I also found it comforting to have letters from home and a few home comforts like my own duvet and pillow rather than the scratchy uni halls ones. And a few luxury foods and drinks that I'd never have afforded to buy myself. But that was 20 years ago so things might have changed!

Make sure your DD is aware of the uni / student services support. Where I am based, the support is based on data collected and incidents, they have (to a certain extent) the finger on the pulse of student problems.

This includes things like links/advice for support on STD, pregnancy, rape, racism and discrimination. It's a scary list, but it is the type of things your DD and her soon to be new friendship group will likely encounter through those years.

Even though she may have you always available, for some topics you may not be the first port of call.

Perhaps do a few days out there to subtley acclimatise her. Like find a local supermarket to buy lunch, park near her uni and go out for lunch, use a bus or park and ride, point out facilities "oh look, another laundrette, they're really geared up for students here!".

Other than that id ask whether she had sorted accommodation, if it was furnished and what she was planning to pack. Then you can pick up any bits she has forgotten as a going away present (new sheets, first aid kit). Id ask other stuff as it come up, like "oh theres a letter her for you, are you going to redirect your post?"