Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you still teach your kids ‘Stranger danger’?

48 replies

PearlyAdriatic · 20/08/2021 09:38

I was quite shocked when my eldest (now 19) came back from school in Y1/Y2 and showed us how she was supposed to literally bellow ‘stranger danger’ if someone she didn’t know and was unsure about tried to speak to her. Obviously that came hand-in-hand with the usual don't trust strangers who wants you to go with them even if they have puppies or sweets, as well as usual slightly creepy videos to illustrate the point.

My (much) younger two seem not to have been taught anything quite so drastic. On the other hand, they have had less freedom and more surveillance by way of phones than my eldest.

But is there any point in teaching stranger danger anymore? When it’s been established that the vast vast vast majority of crimes against children are perpetrated by people they know and trust.

OP posts:
PumpkinKlNG · 20/08/2021 09:40

Yes I do.

DrSbaitso · 20/08/2021 09:41

I don't think it needs to be a zero sum game. Surely we can teach children to say no to strangers and also feel safe in talking to someone if somebody they know does something to give them a "no" feeling.

Planetsandstars · 20/08/2021 09:44

“the vast vast vast majority of crimes against children are perpetrated by people they know and trust”

That tends to be because they are the people who have easy access to the children.

In the days when children weren’t as closely supervised, stranger danger was taught (though not always particularly well) because child abuse tends to be opportunistic.

It is worth teaching stranger danger.

Ozgirl75 · 20/08/2021 09:44

When my 8 and 10 year old boys started going out on their bikes by themselves to the local shops about 18 months ago I told them never to go into anyone’s house, or car but that if people said hello to them it was fine to say good morning back (Australians tend to be friendly). But I did drum into them that there were some bad people who might like hurting children and so they mustn’t ever go with anyone whatever happened.
We practiced a few scenarios but I tend to let them go together anyway in the hope that this would mitigate some of the risk (which I think is probably very low anyway).
Surely no parents are not giving any discussion on dodgy strangers? They are out there, however rare it is.
I’ve also spoken to them about how they can always talk to me if anyone ever made them feel unsafe, whoever it was.

Upamountain43 · 20/08/2021 09:47

I never have - i have always taught my children that they can talk to whoever they like but they should never accept anything or go anywhere with anyone - even people they know well without just checking with the responsible adult first.

PumpkinKlNG · 20/08/2021 09:48

To add to mine I have a 4 year old and she has started to run off or wander off, it’s been explained to her why she can’t do that as someone could take her, I’m sorry but it does happen. Just because it isn’t common doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen, my children are all aware that it does happen and I think the reason why children are most likely to be harmed by someone they know is because strangers have less access to children not because strangers can be trusted more.

DysmalRadius · 20/08/2021 09:53

I tell them not to go off with anyone but not that strangers are inherently dangerous.

Xiaoxiong · 20/08/2021 09:54

I've taught mine about "tricky people", ie. to always trust their gut that if it feels wrong that they must come and tell me straight away and they can tell me anything, especially if an adult asks them to keep a secret, gives them anything, go somewhere with them, even if they aren't a stranger.

I didn't want them feeling scared of strangers or like in an emergency they couldn't go up to a stranger and ask for help. I always told them to look in the first instance for a woman with a pram as prams are very visible, she is more likely to help them and to be approachable.

Planetsandstars · 20/08/2021 09:55

There’s a difference between probability and risk, and I think that’s why this debate tends to get a bit heated sometimes.

Probability is the likelihood something will happen. Where stranger danger is concerned that’s low - sort of. Certainly the high profile sort of cases have a low probability (Sarah Payne, Sophie Hook.)

However the risk factor - the damage done - is high. I can’t really think of much worse than knowing my child’s final moments were spent in terror and humiliation and agony - that’s if you find out at all.

So abduction and murder is very low probability but very high risk.

Car accidents however are high probability but low risk. So in other words yes, you’re likely to be in a car accident but you’re also very likely to survive it, especially if you’re following all the guidelines.

Also, while I happily concede abduction / murder is rare I’m not sure child abuse by strangers is / was. I think lone children have always been easy prey.

Original poster
PearlyAdriatic · 20/08/2021 09:56

To those saying it’s not all or nothing, I completely agree. Of course we’ve got to teach not to take things from strangers or go off with them, but I think that can be done in a way that’s not within the typical ‘stranger danger’ style?

OP posts:
Isitactuallyme · 20/08/2021 10:00

I teach to look out for tricky adults. If lost go to an adult in a uniform or a parent with children in a public place. A safe adult looks for help where you are, a tricky adult wants to take you somewhere on your own and you should never go.

SimonJT · 20/08/2021 10:04

@Upamountain43

I never have - i have always taught my children that they can talk to whoever they like but they should never accept anything or go anywhere with anyone - even people they know well without just checking with the responsible adult first.
This is generally what I do.

I got to kind of see how my son viewed it first hand, I lost him in a Costco a few years ago, the rule in a shop etc is to either walk to the entrance yourself, or ask an adult to help you find the entrance. He had picked someone in a rugby top to help him, I play rugby and he comes with me to training/matches and comes along to rugby tots. Interesting that he saw rugby = safe, despite chats about a uniform etc doesn’t mean someone is nice, safe etc.

tigger1001 · 20/08/2021 10:05

@Upamountain43

I never have - i have always taught my children that they can talk to whoever they like but they should never accept anything or go anywhere with anyone - even people they know well without just checking with the responsible adult first.
We went with this approach too.
Clocktopus · 20/08/2021 10:06

I've taught mine about tricky people too.

Strangers can be helpful. Police officers, shop staff, bus drivers, doctors, etc are all strangers but you might need to talk to them and trust them.

Tricky people can be anyone, even people you know. If someone, even an adult, asks you to go away with them or gives you a story about why you should go away with them (your mum sent me, I have puppies, I need help with something) then you should say "I need to check with mum/dad/the adult looking after me". If they say you don't need to check then they're a tricky person and you should get away quickly, a non-tricky person would want you to check.

Angryattrackandtrace · 20/08/2021 10:07

We teach “clever never goes” and also teach safer strangers. Both great things I’d recommend parents look up.

DrSbaitso · 20/08/2021 10:08

@PearlyAdriatic

To those saying it’s not all or nothing, I completely agree. Of course we’ve got to teach not to take things from strangers or go off with them, but I think that can be done in a way that’s not within the typical ‘stranger danger’ style?
What alternative are you thinking of?

"Stranger danger" obviously works if we can still remember it all these years later. What's the problem with it?

PalmarisLongus · 20/08/2021 10:11

I have taught daughter to be on her guard around people she doesn't know.

And, this might sound over the top I guess, but I have taught her that if someone she doesn't know touches her on any part of he Rhody, to scream as loud as she can to get as many people looking as possible. I hope that a bad person would not like that attention and would leave where as a good person wouldn't be bothered by the attention and would. This is probably stupid.

shouldistop · 20/08/2021 10:11

I've told my 5yo that if he's ever lost for any reason to ask a mum with children or a police officer in uniform for help and never to go anywhere with a man that he doesn't know.

PalmarisLongus · 20/08/2021 10:12

Rhody should be body 🤔

PeonyTime · 20/08/2021 10:18

Clever never goes and tricky people are better, imo.

Clocktopus · 20/08/2021 10:28

We do PANTS too, one of my DC sees a paediatrician and she uses it with her patients so DC gets a reminder every appointment.

PANTS is that any area of your body that would usually be covered by your underwear or your swimming costume is yours and is private. No one is allowed to look at or touch those areas and should not ask you to look at or touch theirs. Sometimes a grown up such as your mum/dad or a doctor might need to look or touch but they should always explain what they're going to do and why and should get your permission first, in the case of someone like a doctor then you should also be allowed another trusted grown up with you.

Secrets are another one too. We don't keep secrets. We might have surprises that we don't want to spoil, like keeping a birthday gift a surprise, but we don't keep secrets. Adults especially don't ask kids to keep secrets and if anyone - adult or child - says "don't tell your mum/dad about..." then the first thing you should do is tell mum/dad.

shouldistop · 20/08/2021 10:31

@Clocktopus the secrets thing is important. Both my mum and mil have asked ds1 to keep secrets from me in the past about crap they've fed him and they don't understand why I've been so upset about it. It's not the chocolate that bothers me as much as someone asking my child to keep a secret from me.

Disneycharacter · 20/08/2021 10:37

I teach what to do if you get lost (sit down and don't move, we will find you) or ask a woman with a buggy to help you. Usual stuff about not going with strangers with sweets puppies etc.

Laiste · 20/08/2021 10:38

[quote shouldistop]@Clocktopus the secrets thing is important. Both my mum and mil have asked ds1 to keep secrets from me in the past about crap they've fed him and they don't understand why I've been so upset about it. It's not the chocolate that bothers me as much as someone asking my child to keep a secret from me. [/quote]
Gosh i'm so glad you posted this!

My elderly mum moved in with us as youngest DD turned 3 and i had begun thinking (like you do sadly) about starting to teach safety.

I too was Shock to overhear mum muttering to DD about ''our little secret'' ect about choc or whatever it was, and stepped in saying use 'surprise' and not secret please.

She was quite put out about me correcting her and didn't get it at all.