Do you still teach your kids ‘Stranger danger’?

[PearlyAdriatic]

I was quite shocked when my eldest (now 19) came back from school in Y1/Y2 and showed us how she was supposed to literally bellow ‘stranger danger’ if someone she didn’t know and was unsure about tried to speak to her. Obviously that came hand-in-hand with the usual don't trust strangers who wants you to go with them even if they have puppies or sweets, as well as usual slightly creepy videos to illustrate the point.

My (much) younger two seem not to have been taught anything quite so drastic. On the other hand, they have had less freedom and more surveillance by way of phones than my eldest.

But is there any point in teaching stranger danger anymore? When it’s been established that the vast vast vast majority of crimes against children are perpetrated by people they know and trust.

I also stressed that adults do not ask children at a park to help them look for their lost puppy etc.

I taught them that is okay to shout my first name if we got separated anywhere rather than shouting Mum. That strangers would stand with them and not lead them off somewhere to find me. And yes look for Mums with prams or children but not to leave the building/supermarket etc with them.

Children are surrounded by strangers, even teachers are strangers, supply teachers, lunch staff etc. Tricky people is much better because it also applies to friendships with peers too.

And the Scottish government have said it's ok for schools to let children change their name and gender at school and not tell their parents. Children as young as 4.

Re: stranger danger - i have 4 DCs (all DDs) with 17 years between youngest and eldest and have never changed my tactic.

It's pretty straight forward: Teach them they can chat if they want but not 'go' with people they don't know and don't take sweets/gifts unless mummy says yes. Don't get into cars or near open cars or into houses unless mummy says yes. Your private parts are private. (apart from docs and if mummy is there ect).

I've told them it's more important to be safe than polite.

I did teach all my DDs that if they ever felt they ever felt actually trapped/forced then they should holler/scream as loud as they bloody could.

My parents were way too concerned with 'respecting adults'. 1970s. Being polite to auntie this and uncle that and being 'good'. Once i was old enough to use the underground and the london busses and the weirdo's started making an appearance i was all worried about being bloody polite to them rather than telling them to fuck off!

rant over.

I've told them it's more important to be safe than polite.

I agree and like this phrase very much.

The problem with strangers danger is if they need help. There was a TV show about lifeguards many years ago and a five year old who had got separated from her parents was running along a cliff path. A lifeguard found her but she wouldn't talk to her and kept running away from her 8n a very dangerous situation. Or if you are badly hurt in a car crash there may be adults come to help before the police.

Children need to be taught how to decide what to do in unexpected situations.

I teach my DC that they don't go anywhere with anyone unless they ask me or their dad. I think it is better because the idea of a 'stranger' is very subjective. And also as OP said it's actually more people we know that are a danger not just strangers.

The other things I have taught them are the NSPCC Pants rule and the difference between a secret and a suprise - it is ok to keep suprises from me but not secrets. They know if they get lost to find a shop worker/uniformed security guard/Police/community support or a woman with children to ask for help.

Yes we did many years ago, I think I would do it now too.

As they kids got older, we also warned them about risk of getting overly drunk, spiked drinks, drugs, driving too fast, situational awareness, etc.

As a teen I was very unaware, and was attacked while taking a short cut across a park going home one evening. It's made me much more wary and cautious.

I remember drilling it into mine that you don’t go with anyone unless it’s fine with me

‘Don’t talk to strangers’ was firmly drilled into them-until my eldest asked ‘what does a stranger look like?’

My dad pointed out that I’ll cheerfully chat to anyone-that’s a stranger

The stranger danger message is an odd one-I get a lot of parents tell their kids not to speak to strangers but will walk into work and tell their kids to say hello to me (I’m front of house) as I’ve said hello to the family as they walk in

I cannot tell you the amount of times kids have been told not to be rude for not saying hello but the same parents have told them not to-I always make a point of saying that ‘they are right-I’m a stranger and they’ve been told not to speak to them’

I did tell mine that if we get parted,then to see if they can see a policeman/lady and tell them

Failing that,go to the lady or mister behind the till (if we where in a shop) and tell them

If we got parted in the school,they where to go to the office and tell the staff-if all else failed they where to just stand still,try not to panic and I’ll find them (happened twice-once in town and once at school)

I remember my mother telling me when I was a lot younger to be aware of ‘old bald men who will grab you,drag you into a car and ‘kiss you all over’-that was the extent of her stranger danger talk which was as clear as mud

When it came to secrets we had a firm rule of ‘good secrets’ (I.e what we’d bought someone for their birthday) and bad secrets (if someone made their tummy feel funny-I was to know immediately)

I think teaching the "Stranger Danger" is a good thing, but as others have said, much more abuse comes from people known to the victims.

I really don't know how true these following factoids are, after all the Internet isn't perfect, but I think they raise some interesting questions...

1. I'm sure I read somewhere that only warning your children about strangers is statistically equivalent to teaching them to cross the road, but only be careful of the red cars.

1. A guy in the US calculated that If you were to leave your child alone on a street corner for one hour a day, statistically speaking it would be 26,000 years before they were abducted by a stranger.

Unfortunately, bad people are still out there, and bad things do happen. Needless to say, it's far better not to take any chances, and we all know that 74.78% of statistics are made up on the spot.

I second the use of "clever never goes". Generally people are OK but no matter what clever never goes. An example I used an old woman looking for her cat "so sorry to hear that" but clever never goes. Not as frightening a concept as stranger danger

Clever never goes sounds good I haven’t heard that before

Yes I do but dtd1 would definitely head off with anyone who promised sweets or puppies - I have to watch that child like a hawk. She’s so loving and kind hearted she thinks everyone is the same. We were once in an American city and a lady trying to sign people up to a charity put her arms out wide and dd literally ran to give her the biggest hug. It made the random person’s day and was part funny but also part terrifying the level of absolute trust dd has. The other two check with me before doing anything

When mine where young we taught them to stay put if they were lost, we would find them, also if we went anywhere with lots of people outside we would look for an obvious easily seen spot like a local statue or a particular shop or something and say find it and wait there. I did work on a safety programme once (junior life skills) where scenarios were set up for kids to look for things like kitchen hazards, smell of gas etc and a phone box to practice ringing emergency services. One of the scenarios was a road where a toy dog was put in front of a car, the kids had to walk up this road in two’s as they reached the car a man got out and said he had run the dog over and needed help to get it to a vet, the number of kids who happily got in the car and driven to the end of the road was astounding!

I thought the current advice was not to teach children never to talk to strangers in any circumstances, but never to go anywhere with anyone, stranger or otherwise, unless they knew for sure their parents had OKed it.

It's online that's the biggest danger IMO

Clever never goes sounds great! Definitely a better approach than instilling fear. I also agree that it feels like online is the bigger risk now, and clever never goes can apply to that too.

Stranger danger is so easy; but he thing I struggled with but felt I had to say, was being mindful of people who aren’t strangers but are therefore potentially greater risk because as the OP says, it is people closer to children that are more likely to harm them. So how do you say, these are the more dangerous people - a school caretaker, a friends dad. It’s really difficult. Our rule has always been to ask shop workers for help first - but we live in a very urban area so there are always shops nearby - then mums with kids second.

I must say I’ve never talked about “strangers”. We often meet people in parks etc.
I’ve concentrated on physical boundaries, feeling safe and never going off without dh or I knowing where they are.
Tbh after Ian Huntley and others I don’t think there’s any point diving adults into “strangers” vs “known”.

Weve talked about boundaries around privacy (even/including with family members)
But also at the point both my DC had started to go places on their own coincided with wearing their school leavers hoodies with their name on. I talked to them about how that could give people an opening to talk to them and that people could pretend they knew them.

Weve also talked about checking with a parent if even someone you know asks you to do something/go somewhere unplanned or unexpectedly.

Yes, and online safety, and martial arts and self defence lessons since DC were 6

This is a really helpful thread, I was going to post to ask what the modern teaching on ‘stranger danger’ is.

There have been a couple of attempted abductions in broad daylight outside schools in our area, so it’s a real issue for us.

I feel awful having to teach DD that there are bad people out there who want to hurt kids

Yes, now, after my son came home the other month to tell me about the nice neighbour who gave him and his friend chocolate 🙈🙈 cue DH and I looking at each other in a panic thinking shit we've fucked up there! But all was fine and a conversation was quickly had!! It was drilled into us so much as kids we took for granted that it's not done to the same extent today.