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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a horrendous nag?

33 replies

SheABitSpicyToday · 19/08/2021 15:22

My husband is amazing. He really is, but there’s a few things that have giving me the rage and I don’t know if it’s because I’m pregnant and hormonal and need some perspective.

He has a habit of starting stuff he knows I want doing, but due to working hours he starts this quite late and doesn’t always finish, meaning that days can go by with the house like building site and it’s just getting me so down. I snapped today and just finished it myself but being seven months pregnant with severe spd I’m now in a lot of pain and there’s a lot I can’t do as I can’t lift it. In the hall way there’s a bed, a door, an old printer and surfboards that he needs to take to our garage which to be fair to him is down a load of steps and accross the road. I know he has tired and aches from work but it’s all been there for weeks now and it’s just making me so depressed being stuck in the house with it all day. He works 12 hour shifts so I know he is busy and I appreciate that when I’ve been really sick (I’m still suffering with morning sickness) he comes home from work and does a lot of cooking and cleaning.

He’s also really crap at any sort of life admin and I don’t know how much i should be picking up for him without it just being a piss take. He never reads his emails or opens his post so I have started doing it as he’s missed appointments. He still hasn’t booked his second covid jab yet despite having the first back in April. I asked him to get some counselling to help with his depression and he never got back to them so they took him off their caseload.

I’m just starting to get frustrated with these little things and am often just livid with him (secretly, not livid to his face). I have had a few words with him and he says he is very tired and when he gets home he just wants to sit down which I understand but at the same time I wish he just wouldn’t start jobs and not finish them. I’d rather he just left things till his day off.

Am I being too naggy?
I know he’s doing his best atm and I don’t want him to feel like he’s not good enough but I can’t handle living in a house that kills my mood so much. I have bipolar and due to the pregnancy I’m not on my meds and a tidy home space is key to keeping my mental health level.

OP posts:
Mistressofnone · 19/08/2021 15:51

You are not being a nag. It would be wrong for you to bottle it up and cause yourself stress during your pregnancy. Is he mortified that you are doing heavy lifting?

From someone who has a messy husband, I wish I spoke up more but every time I erupt it becomes clear he doesn't see mess - or has different standards to me. I am on mat leave right now and our office room has become a dumping ground for all his stuff. I can't even get my legs under the desk now for boxes. I've made it clear that it cannot stay that way. He pointed out we have little in the way or cupboards or storage space. I see his point so we are getting some units.

Maybe talk to him about coming up with a plan for tackling certain jobs this weekend, so he has a timescale. Then treat yourselves to dinner or a takeaway after.

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 19/08/2021 16:00

Yes he is always really cross with me for lifting things as he says he will have done it but I just get so fed up with waiting for him to do it. We have a 4 story house and I have a pile of things to take up to the baby’s room on the top floor that have been in the hall way for 2 weeks now as he said he will do it as it’s heavy. But I’m going to do it now as he doesn’t have a day off until next Friday and I can’t bare another week with it all cluttering up the hall.

OP posts:
MullinerSpec · 19/08/2021 16:01

The solution to this is to hire someone to finish the DIY. Your husband works 12 hrs and no doubt has a lot on his mind with the impending baby coming soon, as do you. So in this situation just hire someone to take the strain, so that you and your husband can concentrate on making a home for the baby. You should no be doing heavy lifting at this stage or any stage of pregnancy for that matter too!

Cam2020 · 19/08/2021 16:06

Hire someone or he needs to book a couple of days off work.

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 19/08/2021 16:09

We can’t as we’re so skint atm! Things will improve next month with his promotion but atm we’re covering bills and that’s about it.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 19/08/2021 16:22

How heavy is the stuff for the babies room? Just do 1 bit at a time!

He’s working 12 hour shifts and then doing lots of cooking and cleaning after that and you can’t move stuff / carry stuff upstairs in your own house and you’re wondering if you should pick up life admin for him or is it a”piss take”?!

Come on, give the guy a break.

DysmalRadius · 19/08/2021 16:24

Do you work as well?

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 19/08/2021 16:27

No I’m not working atm. I have carried the stuff upstairs, the point is he will be cross with me now for doing it because he will say he was getting round to it but never does. I’m in a lot of pain with spd, carrying heavy cots and things up 3 flights of stairs is quite difficult for me atm!

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 19/08/2021 16:33

YABU
He’s working 12hr shifts AND most of the housework, so what are you doing? A bit of life admin and ? Gestating? I can understand if your pregnancy is putting you on bedrest but something has to give. You can’t expect more than what he’s doing in all honesty. Try and get a friend round to help out.

Give him some credit for how hard he is working...keep doing that life admin for now as he’s doing some of your share of the cooking and cleaning.

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 19/08/2021 16:34

I am very appreciative of everything he does and tell him everyday. I’ve not mentioned any of this to him. I just wish he wouldn’t keep starting jobs he’s not going to finish then leaving things. I can’t keep climbing over things, I can barely lift my legs.

OP posts:
Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 19/08/2021 16:35

Also I do do housework and cooking. Yeah did say in the Op it’s just when I’m sick that he is taking over these things for me.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 19/08/2021 16:58

You’re not even working! Come on OP, give your head a wobble.

And this: He’s also really crap at any sort of life admin and I don’t know how much i should be picking up for him without it just being a piss take

You should be picking it all up! Honestly, what else have you got to do? In your op you said he comes home from work and does a lot of cooking and cleaning. So, in all honesty, what are you doing other than getting annoyed he’s not doing enough?

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 19/08/2021 17:04

Just because I’m not working doesn’t mean I’m not doing stuff. Should I really be organising his doctors appointments and stuff? Reading his emails and sorting his post like a secretary? Yeah managed to do all these things when I was working on top of all the other stuff to.

OP posts:
Needapoodle · 19/08/2021 17:07

He's working 12 hours a day, presume he needs 8 hours sleep that gives him 4 hours a day for housework/cookingdowntime/eating/showering/pooing. And he's suffering depression.

Give the guy a break.

PotteringAlong · 19/08/2021 17:09

So what stuff are you doing if you’re not doing cooking / cleaning / life admin / carrying stuff upstairs? Because if you don’t have children already there’s not a lot left there…

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 19/08/2021 17:12

Looking after our children, doing the fucking housework which I did mention in the op I only DONT do if I’m really sick if you could be bothered to read it. Painting and decorating, still moving stuff about as we only moved a few months ago, Until recently I was finishing my degree. I’m not sat about like some useless fat cunt shouting ordered at him, just expected him do actually do the stuff he said he was going to do, rather than just leave it all in the hall way for weeks.

OP posts:
TempName01 · 19/08/2021 17:16

I think you are getting a hard time here OP, unfortunately you will both have even less time for these chores when baby arrives so I get why you are frustrated.

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 19/08/2021 17:19

Yes I just want the jobs done that he says needs to be done before the baby arrives likes putting the living room floor down and the kitchen extractor needs doing as he needs to pull the nursery floor up to do it. So we haven’t decorated the nursery or done anything yet as he needs to do that first and the baby is due in 2 months time.

OP posts:
Mistyplanet · 19/08/2021 17:22

No point getting angry about it. Can you get some ready meals so no one has to cook for a while and ask him to focus on moving those things which are in the way.

newnortherner111 · 19/08/2021 17:27

A pity you did not find out about his inability to do basic things long before your pregnancy, such as organising appointments. You'd have been in a much better position to tackle the issue.

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 19/08/2021 17:34

He wasn’t like this before we got married.

OP posts:
HelenHywater · 19/08/2021 17:35

You have other children OP?

I think you've been given a really hard time here - it's like a pile on! You have SPD, morning sickness and your H has left crap all over your house. I don't think YABU to expect him to move stuff actually without endless nagging. And all the posts on here saying "give the bloke a break he works hard" - most people (mums) do a full day at work but they then come home and pick it all up at home too. That's what life is like. He's no different.

And nor should you be doing his admin (I like the victim blaming post above - YOU should have known better OP).

Housework? That's less important, I would say. Some things have to slide.

Twinkie01 · 19/08/2021 17:35

Nagging is just a gentle reminder to men who don't acquiesce to our demands the first time we make them.

HelenHywater · 19/08/2021 17:37

Nagging is a pejorative, sexist term used by men to control women.

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 19/08/2021 17:38

We have another child, my phone corrected it to children. So she’s home for the summer holidays and she’s a real handful atm which has been really draining. The spd is bad, I have to use crutches some days. Again, we live in a four story house so just getting about the house is difficult but I am doing my best. I know he is too but it’s just frustrating. Even hoovering, he will Hoover then just walk away, literally just leave the hoover still plugged in on the middle of the hall way. It’s so annoying!

OP posts:
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