AIBU struggling to sleep in same room as husband

[Pregnancyhell]

AIBU?

This may sound really trivial and petty of me and God knows I have been subjected to rudeness and unkindness from my husband when I have tried discussing it with him.

my husband and I share a bedroom every night, although in seperate beds as he doesnt like being touched at night. we have a 22 month old in his own room and a 5.5 month old who sleeps in our bedroom.

i find it so difficult at the moment to share the room. my husband is overweight and therefore snores very loudly. we know it is linked to his weight as when he loses weight he immediately stops snoring.

my husband has awful gas during the night. im not trying to be precious or anything, this is extreme to the point where every night i get up at some point feeling physically sick. He says its his diet and thinks he needs to doing a carnivore (meat only) or keto diet but we cant afford to do that at the moment.

i am also still doing night feeds for our 5.5 month old.

i tried to raise it with my husband this morning as i am so tired, our 22 month old is unwell again, i have a cold and just feel really really run down.

my husband is very firmly in the camp that even in raising this I am being ridiculous. i tried calmly to discuss it with him, i even said i just wanted him to act like he gives a shit about me and he said he didnt give a shit about anything his body does whilst he's asleep.

AIBU to be struggling with this and to feel upset by my husband's reaction towards me this morning?

I had this with mine. Every time he wakes you up, wake him up. If he starts snoring again before you've got back to sleep, wake him up. Get a broom handle or something you can poke him with so that you don't have to get out of bed. Once he's knackered too, he will have a better understanding of how you feel. He's ok about it because he's not tired, so you need to change that. He will soon see the need for separate bedrooms Good luck!

You are not being precious. When my DP had trouble with some medication that made his gas bad he slept in the spare room.
If you have a couch, he can sleep on that.

You can't be a functioning human or mother without sleep, and the fact that he can't see that is so concerning.
You can lose weight without going on the keto/carnivore diet. Calories in/calories out.

This would be such a big deal for me!
You poor thing.

His reaction to your concerns is unacceptable. And a high meat diet is unlikely to help with his gas issues.
Tell him he needs to get to the doctor, it's not normal to be passing wind so much at night - he could be suffering from a more serious problem that needs to be checked out.
It could also be an intolerance to wheat - purely anecdotally, I've heard people say that wheat has this effect on them.
Maybe by "keto" diet, he means something along those lines, but if he thinks his diet is to blame, why isn't he doing something about it?
You are in a vulnerable position right now, with 2 babies, and so it might not be easy for you to take action such as telling him to shape up or ship out. You probably can do something about his diet, though....it's not your responsibility but but if it benefits you in the log run it's probably worth doing. So it doesn't have to be high in expensive meat, but protein could include eggs, cheese, tuna, nuts etc and importantly, cut out the wheat. to see if that works. You can use rice, potatoes or sweet potatoes , lentils, chick peas etc as fillers, but see if you can find some meals that don't include wheat. I do know it's hard as this does mean more time cooking if you can't use sandwiches/toast but it's doable.
And get him to the doctor.

You don't have to share a bedroom.

If you haven't got the space to sleep elsewhere, it's another issue, but you don't have to ask for permission to have another bedroom!

When you are pregnant, you can kick your partner out, when you are not, it's kinder to move yourself.

Honestly, I would go and sleep in the baby's bedroom with them! I kept an adult bed in my kids room for a least a year as it was easier anyway.

my husband is very firmly in the camp that even in raising this I am being ridiculous

is he a selfish twat there, or is he embarrassed and trying to ignore his real health issues?

I have a separate bedroom from my husband - he has restless legs and sleep apnea and talks in his sleep a lot. Having my own room has saved my marriage and my sanity.

Before the sleep apnea diagnosis, there was a lot of snoring, so your husband really should see his GP about that.

However, you don't have a sleep problem, you have a husband problem. He says he doesn't give a shit. If that was my marriage, one of us would be moving to a different house, not a different room.

I echo what another pp said above, when he wakes you up, you wake him. It will definitely motivate him a bit more to make some changes

Thank you everyone, that was really helpful.

I've been asking him for months to see GP and he has refused so today I have made him an appointment myself and told him he WILL be attending.

If you have a spare room then set that up as a bedroom. Or even use the living room and sleep with the baby down there.

It finally dawned on my DH that things couldn't go on the way they were, when he woke up one night to find me just about to put a pillow over his head! No joke!! I had gone for 7 nights straight with frequently disturbed sleep, him waking me up about every 20 minutes or so snoring his head off! I would shove him, push him on his side, tried everything, but nothing worked, until, as I say I was at the end of my tether and about to suffocate him. I wouldn't have actually gone through with it, but just wanted to see him start fighting for breath, and realise how close I was to my limit. From that night on, he decided it was far better for our marriage for him to actually sleep in the other room. We've done it ever since, and now our marriage is absolutely awesome!

Ah OP you have my sympathy! I don’t believe it’s that unusual for happily married couples to sleep in different rooms if it means two people can get the sleep they need. Your DH sounds very selfish as he’s getting sleep and doesn’t care that you’re struggling.

I also hate sharing a bedroom with my snoring, farting DH. This began during co-sleeping & BF-ing baby and I just wanted to throttle DH in the night - couldn;t use earplugs because of baby.

Thankfully he agreed to move rooms and we still sleep separately 11 years later.

His disregard for you however is a big red flag, and whilst you could look into Shreddies (carbon-filter underwear), that won't change his stinking attitude.

It'd be ultimatum time for me.

@Speakuptomakeyourselfheard

I wouldn't have actually gone through with it, but just wanted to see him start fighting for breath,

Well that’s terrifying.

Do you have a spare bedroom? If so one of you moves into it. Problem of sharing a room and being kept awake/suffocated from noxious smells is solved. However he still needs to address his health issues.

@Speakuptomakeyourselfheard

It finally dawned on my DH that things couldn't go on the way they were, when he woke up one night to find me just about to put a pillow over his head! No joke!! I had gone for 7 nights straight with frequently disturbed sleep, him waking me up about every 20 minutes or so snoring his head off! I would shove him, push him on his side, tried everything, but nothing worked, until, as I say I was at the end of my tether and about to suffocate him. I wouldn't have actually gone through with it, but just wanted to see him start fighting for breath, and realise how close I was to my limit. From that night on, he decided it was far better for our marriage for him to actually sleep in the other room. We've done it ever since, and now our marriage is absolutely awesome!

I don't understand - if things were that bad and you had another room available, why didn't you just move in there instead of trying to suffocate him?

Anyway, I don't think there's anything wrong with separate rooms for sleeping in. DH and I sleep separately at the moment as I co-sleep with DD and it's not made any difference to our relationship compared to the many years we slept together.

My DH snores, I have been at the end of my tether - not as much as @Speakuptomakeyourselfheard but can totally imagine how you can reach that point.

We stayed in a hotel once where the guy in the next room snored while having an afternoon nap and DH was moaning to me and I told him it was nowhere near as bad as his snoring which is epic and has resulted in me crying with tiredness if I can't get some respite from it.
It is related to weight and also alcohol intake, if he drinks more than a few he will snore. He knows that he needs to sleep in the spare room on those occasions.
He saw a doctor and made an effort to lose weight. The worst thing about your DH is the attitude that he doesn't care what he does when he's asleep even though it's affecting you and by extension his own children.

As an aside DH farts a lot when he is asleep. He generally avoids excessive farting in front of me whilst awake and it all seems to come out when he falls asleep.

I might fart when I'm asleep too but since I am rarely asleep while he's awake I get no complaints.
I definitely don't snore unless I'm ill.

DH has had restless legs for years, but over the last 5 years has developed a really bad sleep pattern. He naps constantly throughout the day, and then can't settle at night. He was disturbing me constantly, and about 4 weeks ago, I had a very spectacular meltdown. I had a head injury about 10 years ago and struggle to function if I don't get enough sleep, so it was making me really miserable.

I'm now sleeping on a new mattress in the spare room, and getting a solid 7 hours sleep thankfully. I'll never share a bed with him again - he's too selfish. He mutters about our marriage not being a proper one if we don't share a room....... and is told that he can have a proper marriage when he learns some manners and respect.

So, he doesn't like being touched at night so you need to get separate beds but when he disturbs you that doesn't matter? Sorry, that wouldn't wash with me. He gets a good night sleep and is unaffected but you on the other hand has to put up with snoring, farting and tending to a small baby. No, just no! That would be me (in fact, have been!) moving to the spare room to try my best to get a decent night sleep. Not being funny OP, you don't need his permission. Ask him if he would like to share a bed again whilst you are touching him in his sleep involuntarily, because you don't know what your body does when you are asleep 🤷🏼‍♀️ 😑

YANBU

After several years of disturbed sleep, my husband and I now sleep apart. We both sleep much better and it was a great decision.

Oh gosh op that sounds utterly awful!! The gas!! Not fair when you've got a small dc..

YANBU at all.

I had a similar experience with my DH, but instead of being overweight it was a smoker which caused snoring (when he stopped smoking the snoring stopped), and another grim thing that happened.

He ended up sleeping on the sofa for about a year after we had our third baby.

And now we have moved house we have separate rooms and everyone is so much more happier that way.
I'm not sure our marriage would be anywhere near as strong if we were forced to carry on sharing a room/bed.

Something's gotta give.

Whichever is the bigger room (if you don’t have a spare) you and the DC sleep in and move DH to the smaller one on his own. Do it when he’s at work, move his clothes, everything. If possible put a bloody lock on your door and keep the key.
If not you don’t care what your body does in its sleep either but that might include stabbing him. Or recording him snoring and farting then playingit back when he has friends over, or threatening to post on Facebook.

Whenever there's a vote of

YABU - 1%

YANBU - 99%

100 votes

I always wonder whether the 1% is the DH.....

But you've got a separate room! He's not your jailer. I can see that he might think you're not doing the obvious action either, yes he should definitely see the doctor but for goodness' sake just sleep elsewhere.

Set yourself up in a different room. Explain why.
Maybe record him at night and explain you do not find this attractive.