AIBU struggling to sleep in same room as husband

[Pregnancyhell]

AIBU?

This may sound really trivial and petty of me and God knows I have been subjected to rudeness and unkindness from my husband when I have tried discussing it with him.

my husband and I share a bedroom every night, although in seperate beds as he doesnt like being touched at night. we have a 22 month old in his own room and a 5.5 month old who sleeps in our bedroom.

i find it so difficult at the moment to share the room. my husband is overweight and therefore snores very loudly. we know it is linked to his weight as when he loses weight he immediately stops snoring.

my husband has awful gas during the night. im not trying to be precious or anything, this is extreme to the point where every night i get up at some point feeling physically sick. He says its his diet and thinks he needs to doing a carnivore (meat only) or keto diet but we cant afford to do that at the moment.

i am also still doing night feeds for our 5.5 month old.

i tried to raise it with my husband this morning as i am so tired, our 22 month old is unwell again, i have a cold and just feel really really run down.

my husband is very firmly in the camp that even in raising this I am being ridiculous. i tried calmly to discuss it with him, i even said i just wanted him to act like he gives a shit about me and he said he didnt give a shit about anything his body does whilst he's asleep.

AIBU to be struggling with this and to feel upset by my husband's reaction towards me this morning?

Of course YANBU.

The secret of many long, happy marriages is to have a room of your own each, if you can. Though tbh the attitude as well as the emissions of the OP's D?H stink so while necessary the separate room may not be sufficient.

And you've had sex with this man, TWICE!!!!!!!!!

Separate bedrooms or take turns on the sofa if no other room. My dh and I have slept separately during our 20 year marriage. We have totally opposite body clocks, I have a health problem that can make me breath really heavy and he has restless legs.

The pp attempting to suffocate her husband because she wanted to see him struggle for breath is frightening, if there's a spare room it could have been sorted long before you get to the point of making them think you're about to take their life. I'm pleased it worked out for that person in the end but I'd have seriously phoned the police if I woke to my husband doing that.

My DM said she was struggling to sleep because she was up during the night with the dog and then DF got up at 04.30 every morning to do an hour on a step trainer right beside her with the full lights on . She was utterly gobsmacked when I suggested that she sleep in one of their 3 spare bedrooms because 'married couples should sleep together'.

I'm a lifelong insomniac who works night shift and good sleep is prioritised to the maximum in our house. I have slept on every soft surface in our home including the toddlers cot to get a good night sleep. We would not book a hotel room without a separate couch or something for me to escape to because some nights I just literally would not sleep all. Every one in the family is much more pleasant to be around when we have slept well and there is absolutely zero detrimental affect to intimacy. YABU to continue living on such little sleep, it should be the 5 month old baby causing you sleepless nights not the grown adult who can't cope with the thought of his wife sleeping 6 meters away. Drag your mattress and the cot through to the kids room and sleep there.

He's a selfish bugger isn't he.....

Doesn't care what his body does when he's asleep .

Nice he's getting some sleep.

FFS don't let him/make him sleep on the sofa or you'll end up with ruined smelly seating to suffer with during the day.

If you have the room move into a spare bedroom. If not I'd move in with the children.

If that means swapping rooms so you have a bigger room with the children and he has a smaller one to himself, so be it.

I wouldn't ask. I'd just ask some friends to help move the furniture whilst he was at work ( you don't need to share gory details - just say it's a temporary move whilst the children are small).

The upshot is that this is the only way for you to fix this whilst he refuses to by losing weight and FFS you're sleeping separately anyway at his insistence so he can't claim he's missing out in any way.

A step trainer? At 430 am? WTAF?

@Pregnancyhell

Thank you everyone, that was really helpful.

I've been asking him for months to see GP and he has refused so today I have made him an appointment myself and told him he WILL be attending.

Glad you did this

@ErrolTheDragon

Of course YANBU.

The secret of many long, happy marriages is to have a room of your own each, if you can. Though tbh the attitude as well as the emissions of the OP's D?H stink so while necessary the separate room may not be sufficient.

This. ^

I have slept separately from my DH for near enough 20 years, (since approx 6-7 years after we got married.) We moved into a 4 bed house that enabled me to have my own bedroom after we'd been married 6-7 years!!!

I HAD to move into another bedroom. His snoring was horrendous. For the last 2-3 years before we got a 4 bed house, and I got my own bedroom, I was lucky if I got 3-4 hours a night sleep.

I would never go back. I could never EVER sleep in the same bedroom as him. Having separate bedrooms is awesome; I have privacy, my own space, and wonderful, uninterrupted sleep.

He likes to be hot and tucked up tightly in bed, under a massive heavy duvet, and a massive thick blanket on top, the windows shut, and a heater on 6 months of the year. I like to be cool, have a window open, a fan on 4-5 months of the year, and the duvet thrown off me. All this, combined with his horrendous snoring means that we are COMPLETELY incompatible sleeping together. We can't even sleep in the same room, let alone the same bed.

I don't know who thought it was a good idea for 2 grown-ass adults to share a 4 ft X 6 ft bed, for 8-10 hours a night, but it's untenable for many, because of snoring, incompatible sleep patterns, farting, duvet hogging, body heat, grunting, farting, thrashing about in the night, and MASSIVE sleep deprivation.

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. ANYone who is able to sleep in a separate room to their partner. FFS do it.

Me and DH even sleep separately on holiday now. Costs more, but not not masses more...Usually around 15% more for the holiday. I couldn't sleep with him for a single night, let alone a week or more. I couldn't sleep with ANYone. If we split, or he died, and I ever ever got another man, (which I probably wouldn't anyway,) I wouldn't be sleeping in the same room as him either.

@Pregnancyhell Separate bedrooms - NOW! FUCK what your husband says. Some men feel emasculated and pissed off and even embarrassed at the idea of sleeping separately to their wives. FUCK THEM. THEY are the ones who generally do all the fucking snoring, and are not the ones who are suffering!

You are not unreasonable at all. Its hell. I'm going through something similar at the moment and DP has the same attitude.(I posted about it on here last year, will try and find the thread if you want)He has night terrors pretty much every night, sometimes quite a few in one night. I've been hit, punched in the back, kicked shoved, pinned down, hes gotten on top of me and screamed in my face. It's terrifying, even when it's not physical to be woken up with a shock several times a night. Hes spoken to the drs several times and they've been absolutely useless at following it up, they put him on epilepsy medication (which does nothing) 2 months ago and they haven't contacted him since. I've been nagging at him to call them and he can't be arsed. He's trying to justify it by convincing himself that it's not that bad and I'm over exaggerating. We've had several huge rows about it

I've developed such huge anxiety over going to bed now. It's making me so poorly and I haven't had a full uninterrupted night sleep for well over a year. And what pisses me off ever more is he falls straight back to sleep, and I'm awake for ages trying to calm down and slow my heart beat down.

You'd be perfectly reasonable to insist one of you sleeps elsewhere. Or constantly wake him everytime he disturbs you. Why should you have to suffer while he gets a good night's sleep?

Are you married to my husband as well?

Sorry that turned into a huge rant. As you can probably guess I've reached the end of my rope

Same here...DH snores like a pig!!

No lie the other night I poked him 23. Last 2 nights Ive slept in spare room

If you don’t have a spare room get a really good quality double height air bed and set it up in your child’s room. Move out. He’s awful.

Those whose husbands or partners have sleep apnea - what do the doctors do? My husband had it and had nose surgery in his 30s to help correct it but still has some nights where the snoring is appalling. I know he still has it because I hear it happening. He's very unbothered and refuses to discus with the GP but I worry about the long term health risks (he's older than me and his parents died from cardiovascular issues). Doubt he'll agree to sleep with a cpap though, and that would surely be even noisier for me?

I cannot stand snoring and I had this issue with my OH and I ended up buying ear plugs and ordered every ear plug available.

I could go on and on but at the end of the day you eventually have to sleep in another room or you end up hating the person-🙁

@Dotty1219

Suggestion. Given you can't sleep anyway can you film him on your phone to show him how awful it is?

Same for the OP.

I've not experienced anything as awful but when DH had a long bad cold and was shaking the house snoring (but didn't believe it) I kept my phone by the bed and recorded it.

He was actually very shocked by how loud it was (contrasted by my David Attenborough style whispering commentary "the virus infected male still seeks to assert his dominance by ensuring he suffers not alone, but radiates his primal position through expectation that his mating partner should subjugate herself to his bodily effluence")

Thank you everyone.

He has a telephone call with GP tomorrow evening, I worry greatly that it may be down to something other than his diet. Especially with how extreme his snoring is.

We don't have a spare room as my mum who has her own vulnerabilities lives with us. I could sleep in the children's room but I don't want to disturb their sleep at all.

Leaving him or any type of humiliation or violence simply isn't an option.

We've been married for 12 years, I had a complete mental health break down due to past child abuse and he cared for me for two years; financially, practically, he loved me through the hell, fought the NHS to get me a voluntary admission, held me through the nightmares and is the only reason I survived it. He is a wonderful man and father and I feel very blessed in every other way to be his wife, it's just this one issue that has become very difficult.

I think his rudeness can be put down to health anxiety and trying to avoid acknowledging that. He has definitely agreed now that he needs to speak to doctor so that is progress.

Thank you all for the advice.

"my husband is very firmly in the camp that even in raising this I am being ridiculous."

Your husband has unilaterally decided that you are wrong about an issue that affects your own health and wellbeing. It's not his place to do that. Putting you down for speaking up on behalf of your own wellbeing is a form of gaslighting. It's a way for him to avoid even having to have a discussion about compromise (let alone have to actually give anything up) by simply declaring you wrong, since he is, by his own decree, the sole judge of what counts as right and wrong in your relationship.

I could say that all you need to do is just be as equally firm that him being unwilling to help find a solution is completely ridiculous. Of course we both know it's not that simple. Even so, be secure in yourself that you are not the unreasonable one.