Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I get rid of MIL scarf?

34 replies

ScotInExile · 18/08/2021 05:02

I spent some time over the last couple of months knitting a scarf for DD. I'm not an expert knitter by any means and have never made anything before except maybe a scarf for a doll but I was bored in lockdown and it was something to do to keep me occupied. The scarf is very simple with alternating plain and purl stitches, nothing fancy and a bit rough, but DD likes it and was looking forward to wearing it. She was excitedly showing her grandmother (MIL) her new scarf on a Facetime call, telling her how I had just finished knitting it for her and showing her the detail close up. MIL just says "Oh, that's EASY!".

A couple of weeks later on another call she asks DH to measure DD's head as she was knitting her a new hat. I thought she was kindly making a hat to go with the wonky scarf that I had just made. Well, the hat turned up in the post last week along with a new matching scarf that MIL had just completed for her. The knitting is obviously much better than my effort since MIL knits all the time, and the scarf and hat are lovely, but if feels like a punch in the gut from her that she felt she needed to one-up my efforts and show DD how much better she is than me at knitting. It never had to be proved, she is very good at knitting and has made DD many beautiful items over the last 10 years which we have loved and cherished.

MIL is normally really lovely and kind and I don't think she intended to insult me, more that she wanted to show off her skills and get some praise (she lacks confidence in some aspects of her life) but it was really hurtful that she thought DD would prefer her scarf to the wonky one I had lovingly spent months making (and that DD actually loves).

WIBU to chuck it straight in the bin? DD will never wear it anyway as it's not her favourite colour.
(Disclaimer: I wouldn't actually throw it away as it is really very well made and would be useful to someone else so I would donate it to a local shelter)

OP posts:
yellowsofa · 18/08/2021 05:17

Surely your daughter can have more than one scarf? You're overthinking this massively.
If you MIL has always been kind, then she still is.
Let your daughter have the hat and scarf from her loving granny as well as the one from you.

MadameMonk · 18/08/2021 05:24

I’d tuck Granny’s scarf into the darkest furthest corner of the hall cupboard and endlessly shrug about it if anyone asked. Forever. But I wouldn’t be proud of myself. The hat can go on high rotation.

I’d be proud of my scarf, and enjoy seeing it used.

Oneupmanship is so boring and vulgar, I wouldn’t pander to it.

MyOtherProfile · 18/08/2021 05:28

Sounds like she has just been a bit thoughtless and enthusiastic. I would keep both scarves and the hat, stick them on the rack with your coats and leave it to DD what she wears. It won't take up much room and having more than one scarf is good.

LizziesTwin · 18/08/2021 05:28

Just let your daughter have both. If her granny is always making her things it won’t be as special in her eyes as the scarf you’ve made her. They go low we go high. Model the behaviour you’d like your daughter to have.

PogoBob · 18/08/2021 05:56

I can totally see where you are coming from, even if it did come from a place of kindness rather than oneupmanship.

I would put the scarf to one side I must confess as it would DD in a awkward position as she'd not want to upset me it her Nanna (but that's specific to my DD)

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 18/08/2021 06:00

Children can have two scarfs

WTF475878237NC · 18/08/2021 06:05

Very petty to respond this way OP given you say she's a lovely MIL. Let your daughter enjoy the effort gone to by both of you.

Hyppogriff · 18/08/2021 06:09

Yabu. Sorry but you are being very petty. She can surely have more than one

CeeceeBloomingdale · 18/08/2021 06:15

I would keep it as it was a gift and I think you are taking it a wee bit personally. You might make a snowman who needs a scarf this winter anyway Wink

MindyStClaire · 18/08/2021 06:17

I suspect your MIL is like mine and the conversation made the link in her brain of "ooh, DGD, scarf!" and she thought no more about it.

One day, years ago, (then future) MIL and I were moaning about Christmas shopping, chatting about what we'd bought and how we had no ideas for various family members. Come Christmas, she'd bought all the same stuff as me, just nicer as I was a student and she was wealthy. She's absolutely lovely, I know on MN that's a passive aggressive thing for a MIL to do but she's not like that at all. She just made the connections DH=toilet bag, DN=aquadoodle etc in her head and acted on it.

DurhamDurham · 18/08/2021 06:20

a punch in the gut

I think that's a huge overreaction to a knitted scarf. Your daughter can surely have two scarves. Heck, she can even like both of them without diminishing the importance of each one Grin

Bogofftosomewherehot · 18/08/2021 06:23

@MadameMonk

I’d tuck Granny’s scarf into the darkest furthest corner of the hall cupboard and endlessly shrug about it if anyone asked. Forever. But I wouldn’t be proud of myself. The hat can go on high rotation.

I’d be proud of my scarf, and enjoy seeing it used.

Oneupmanship is so boring and vulgar, I wouldn’t pander to it.

This is what I was thinking. Stick it in a bag at the back of a cupboard and eventually 'find' it and donate it without any fuss.
Dita73 · 18/08/2021 06:27

I think this is quite a shitty thing for your MIL to do. I understand completely why you feel like you do. I’d keep hold of it in case you ever need something to strangle her with but until that time,back of a cupboard

pinkcircustop · 18/08/2021 06:28

YABVU. Of course you can’t give it away! It’s okay for your daughter to have more than one knitted scarf and even if she won’t wear it now she might when she’s older.

Don’t get rid of precious gifts made by her grandmother just because you’re feeling insecure. Put your own feelings aside here.

StrangeToSee · 18/08/2021 06:48

I think you need to let go of the jealousy/hurt and accept grandma didn’t mean to show off or upset you. Perhaps she felt sorry for you and DD thinking DD needed a new scarf and hat but knitting wasn’t your strong point? Maybe she felt embarrassed by the wonky scarf in case people thought she’d knitted it! If she’s usually the knitter why would you be upset? Just send DD to grandma wearing grandma’s knitted items and keep yours at home?

Billandben444 · 18/08/2021 06:53

What makes you think Granny made the scarf so your daughter would prefer it to yours? I hope she was thanked graciously and then your daughter can choose to wear it or not. Weird. Another MIL-bashing post.

TacoSunday · 18/08/2021 06:55

Clearly your DD likes wearing the scarf you made. Keep Granny’s and let DD decide which she wants to wear.

babouchette · 18/08/2021 06:59

Lots of MIL defenders on here but I do think it's a bit weird. She could've just stopped at the hat, or really showed her skills with a pair of gloves.

Anyway, your DD loves the one you made, so just put the MIL one on a hook somewhere under a coat and fish it out occasionally if she asks about it. Don't let it turn into a big deal on your side or hers.

NotNowBernarrd · 18/08/2021 07:00

She probably made the hat to go with the scarf, which is a lovely thought, then had some wool left so banged out a scarf while she was at it.

I'd just use the hat and your scarf. Either put it away or put it on one of her teddies or something like that.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 18/08/2021 07:02

Ask your MIL to make an identical hat and scarf set for you. Then your daughter will never wear MIL's gift again because she won't want to be "twinsies" with mom.

Littleoakhorn · 18/08/2021 07:03

I’m a knitter. If my mil or mum did this I’d be sorely tempted to stuff it at the back of the cupboard. It’s the “oh that’s easy” comment that seals it for me - taking up knitting and making something for your dd probably wasn’t easy.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 18/08/2021 07:10

Let's look at this from your daughter's point of view - my DM knitted me a scarf which I loved as it was a bit quirky. I showed it to my DG and told her how much I loved it so DG knitted me a second one with a matching hat. I preferred the first scarf but it's still nice to have a choice. My DM got in huff and gave the second scarf away without even speaking to me first. AIBU to think she has no right to give away something that was given to me.

iwannabelikeyouhoohoo · 18/08/2021 07:12

Just tell MIL how you feel? Honestly, communication is not that hard. “Thanks for the scarf and hat you sent, MIL. I felt a bit sad because it seemed like a replacement of the scarf I made, but hopefully DD loves them both.”
Let DD wear both - whichever she chooses on the day - and then MIL hopefully won’t do the same in future.

BananaMilkshakeWithCream · 18/08/2021 07:14

YABU to throw it away as it’s your daughter’s property. Maybe your MIL was a bit insensitive or maybe she just saw your efforts and it spurred her on. Who cares? All that matters is that your DD has got two lovely scarves.

specialcase · 18/08/2021 07:16

Me and my MIL both knit - she is much better and quicker and neater but my DS loves to have a dinosaur or something on the front, so he loves my tacky dinosaur knits!!!

She does the classy things, I do the tacky ones - works out quite well!

It was weird of her to say that’s easy rather than well done but I would ignore and just think how lovely it was to have more special homemade things!!!