To ask my DB for a contribution towards apartment (xmas holidays)

Original poster

AdriannaP · 17/08/2021 21:10

Wanted to add that house is too small for additional 4 adults and 4 children - DM and DP already live there. One family would get the ensuite and one family would get a small bedroom and have to share downstairs bathroom with DM and DP.
We both want to come at same time as we have not seen each other for ages and not met our respective babies yet.

OP posts:

Disfordarkchocolate · 17/08/2021 21:12

I would just go different days. Between Christmas and New Year or after New Year. Could you ask your parents to visit you instead?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/08/2021 21:12

If you’d rather stay in an apartment then those are your costs, not sure why your brother should pay. You have the choice to also stay at your parents but would rather not.

Original poster

AdriannaP · 17/08/2021 21:21

@Disfordarkchocolate I have not been to my home country since Jan 19 and would like to see other friends and relatives too and for them to meet my new baby. DM will visit before then anyway.

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Original poster

AdriannaP · 17/08/2021 21:22

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss not sure either that’s why I am asking. He is staying for free 3-5 times a year and has no additional travel costs apart from petrol. It’s really not practical for us all to stay in one tiny house including two small babies.

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StarryStarrySocks · 17/08/2021 21:26

It's not fair to ask your brother to contribute towards costs if he's not even staying in the apartment.

Burnt0utMum · 17/08/2021 21:27

Is it really not possible to stay in the house? Even though it's cramped, it's only an occasional thing and will save you a lot of money. It might even be nice to spend that extra family time together.

whatthejiggeries · 17/08/2021 21:27

It's irrelevant how many times a year he stays. If he wants to visit his Mum at Xmas then he can do. If you decide you don't want to stay in the house that's your cost not his. I would suggest you speak to him and say maybe one of us should not stay in the house and we split the bill. That said he may want to stay in the apartment !!

Notaroadrunner · 17/08/2021 21:27

Why does your brother automatically get to stay at home? Why not ask your mum first if you can stay instead? Let your brother book an apartment and you fund half of it.

cadburyegg · 17/08/2021 21:30

I’m a bit confused. So you all want to go and visit at the same time but you don’t want to stay in the house due to lack of space? If your brother is happy to stay there but you want more space then you are within your rights to stay elsewhere but YABU to expect him to contribute when it’s not his choice. Unless you come up with an agreement where one family stays in the house and the other stays elsewhere and then you alternate each year. The amount of times he stays is irrelevant

Original poster

AdriannaP · 17/08/2021 21:39

@cadburyegg I don’t know my DB’s views - this would be the first time we both have two children.
I have not asked him yet whether he wants to stay altogether or would prefer an apartment himself. Might be good idea to alternate each year.

@Burnt0utMum the house is too small for 6 adults and 4 children. I don’t enjoy family time that much that I want to he on top of everyone 15 hours a day. My DM’s partner also has hearing issues and enjoys watching winter sports very loudly for several hours a day.

OP posts:

StoneofDestiny · 17/08/2021 21:39

Why should your brother pay? You get the accommodation to yourselves. Where you stay in relation to your DM is your choice - not his problem!

Original poster

AdriannaP · 17/08/2021 21:46

Happy for him to pay for holiday accommodation instead. He is there tons for long periods of time (a week and more) - I have not been able to get there for nearly two years. Why should he automatically get to stay? Seems a bit unfair that he has 3-5 free holidays a year at DM’s house.
As I said I have not discussed with him yet, he might be happy to book the apartment himself!

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thebeatingofthedrums · 17/08/2021 21:47

@AdriannaP

My DM lives in a different country in a small 3 bedroom house (2 bathrooms, one is an ensuite) with her DP. Her kitchen table and living room can accommodate about 4-6 people comfortably. I have not visited since Jan 2019 due to Covid and pregnancy.

DB lives 4 hours away and has stayed lots since travel restrictions and lockdown permitting. We both have 2 small children (both have one baby born this year and an older child).
We now both want to visit around Xmas time. The house is too small to accommodate 4 adults and 4 children and it won’t be comfortable. Booking a holiday accommodation nearby is circa £100 per night (it’s a small apartment), so £700 per week. We also have costs of flights, covid tests and car rental and I am still on maternity leave then so very small income.

How to solve this? honestly I would prefer staying in apartment rather than my DM’s cramped house but also feel it’s unfair we should pay for accommodation when DB can stay free (and stays free 3-5 times a year). Shall I raise this with him or ask him for a contribution?
There is no cheaper accommodation in the area, I have looked around - it’s a tourist area and Hotels will cost a lot more.

Nothing you've said suggests that the rest of the family is against bunking up together in the tiny house.

If you want to stay in the nice apartment, then it's your cost.

If your DB reckons the house is too small, then either he gets an apartment for himself, or he shares the cost of your apartment. But he hasn't said anything - this is all you.

I wouldn't want to live on top of anyone either. But for £700/week, maybe the others are inclined to suck it up. We all have different standards, especially when we move out and live independently for a while.

Wannakisstheteacher · 17/08/2021 21:49

How is it a free holiday? Surely he’s just visiting his Mum who lives in the same country he does? It’s not like he’s staying in her holiday home in Tahiti!

Original poster

AdriannaP · 17/08/2021 21:51

They don’t live in the same country. It’s a 4 hour drive but not same country. DM lives in a tourist destination. He is not just visiting her (he often hardly sees her), he also goes there to see friends/enjoy the sights etc.
Sure it’s not Tahiti but most places are not 😅

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Original poster

AdriannaP · 17/08/2021 21:53

You are right @thebeatingofthedrums I am the one who has the most issues living on top of each other for a week. I wouldn’t enjoy it and guess I have to just suck up the extra costs associated with it!

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rookiemere · 17/08/2021 21:54

You can't expect DB to pick up accommodation costs.You could suggest coming on a different week so neither person has to pay for it.

MouseInCatsClaws · 17/08/2021 21:54

you need to talk to your brother. You could suggest that you each alternate half the time in your mother's and the other half in the apartment and contribute 350 each?

maddening · 17/08/2021 21:55

I would just come for new year if he is doing Xmas? Saves dragging kids presents around and then head off for a nice new year hol with your mum and stay for free. Falls nicely date wise this year.

pollyglot · 17/08/2021 21:56

Who gets the kitchen table, then? Do you draw straws?

DeRigueurMortis · 17/08/2021 21:59

I think you are conflating a few different issues here.

Your and your brothers home locations are irrelevant. You both chose to live where you do.

His relative proximity to your DM's house isn't relevant as is the fact it costs you more to travel to that location.

The issue is that there isn't space for you both to stay at the same time.

If you want to stay in an apartment then it's up to you to pay for it.

However if you both want to stay in the house then you need to do so at different times or negotiate who stays where.

I think it is reasonable to say to your DM that given you haven't seen her for so long that you get first choice of staying in the house and he needs to find an alternative.

LawnFever · 17/08/2021 22:00

Am I right in that even if your DB wasn’t staying at your DMs house, you wouldn’t want to, because you’d rather have your own space?

If so, YABU to expect anyone else to contribute to your accomodation costs.

How many times your brother stays is irrelevant if you don’t want to stay in their house anyway.

TakeMe2Insanity · 17/08/2021 22:00

More reasonable suggestion, “mum, db why don’t we rent a bigger house with a pool (anything fun/ mountain view) then we can all feel on holiday and be together in the same space. The cost will be xx.

MsHedgehog · 17/08/2021 22:01

@AdriannaP

Happy for him to pay for holiday accommodation instead. He is there tons for long periods of time (a week and more) - I have not been able to get there for nearly two years. Why should he automatically get to stay? Seems a bit unfair that he has 3-5 free holidays a year at DM’s house. As I said I have not discussed with him yet, he might be happy to book the apartment himself!

Don’t you automatically get to stay too though? It’ll just be cramped.