To ask my DB for a contribution towards apartment (xmas holidays)

[AdriannaP]

My DM lives in a different country in a small 3 bedroom house (2 bathrooms, one is an ensuite) with her DP. Her kitchen table and living room can accommodate about 4-6 people comfortably. I have not visited since Jan 2019 due to Covid and pregnancy.

DB lives 4 hours away and has stayed lots since travel restrictions and lockdown permitting. We both have 2 small children (both have one baby born this year and an older child).
We now both want to visit around Xmas time. The house is too small to accommodate 4 adults and 4 children and it won’t be comfortable. Booking a holiday accommodation nearby is circa £100 per night (it’s a small apartment), so £700 per week. We also have costs of flights, covid tests and car rental and I am still on maternity leave then so very small income.

How to solve this? honestly I would prefer staying in apartment rather than my DM’s cramped house but also feel it’s unfair we should pay for accommodation when DB can stay free (and stays free 3-5 times a year). Shall I raise this with him or ask him for a contribution?
There is no cheaper accommodation in the area, I have looked around - it’s a tourist area and Hotels will cost a lot more.

@TakeMe2Insanity

More reasonable suggestion, “mum, db why don’t we rent a bigger house with a pool (anything fun/ mountain view) then we can all feel on holiday and be together in the same space. The cost will be xx.

That's a good idea.

Suggest renting a place big enough for everyone to enjoy and split the cost 3 ways.

Suggest it as a special treat as it's been so long since you've all been together.

Enough bedrooms for everyone and space round the dining table. Win win.

@LawnFever I would stay in DM’s house but not with DB’s family too. No issue staying with DM and DP alone.

@DeRigueurMortis thanks, some good points here. I will discuss with DM first (ask her if we can stay) and see what she thinks.

“Hey DBro, can’t wait to be together, meet nee baby, see parents after all this while. what shall we do about accommodation now that we have all these kids between us? We’re not going to fit, are we? Shall we see if we can get an apartment really close by? Doesn’t matter which family goes in it, but we could split the cost to make it fair?”

But then you will have to accept an evens outcome of where you stay, if he is paying 50%. But you would get either the apartment or a less crowded house.

Might he then find he could stay with friends?

Yes OP I think the first stop is speaking to your DM.

Without you having to say it she knows it's costing you more to travel to her and she hasn't seen you for 2 years.

In those circumstances (if I was your DM) I'd be happy to have you stay in the house and speak to your brother.

That said I still wouldn't rule out renting somewhere big enough for you all.

Split 3 ways it's going to be cheaper than an apartment for just you or your brother and you've solved pretty much every issue.

@DeRigueurMortis

Yes OP I think the first stop is speaking to your DM.

Without you having to say it she knows it's costing you more to travel to her and she hasn't seen you for 2 years.

In those circumstances (if I was your DM) I'd be happy to have you stay in the house and speak to your brother.

That said I still wouldn't rule out renting somewhere big enough for you all.

Split 3 ways it's going to be cheaper than an apartment for just you or your brother and you've solved pretty much every issue.

Except from the DM's POV.

She already has a house there, why would she want to rent another one (and pay for it)?

I think if the discussion is around renting, it's between the OP and her DB.

Agreed @thebeatingofthedrums DM would not pay for another rental. Christmas/New Years is high season in her area and rental houses with 3-4 bedrooms will cost £4000 and more. She wouldn’t want to pay that to holiday in her area. She can’t travel either as she is working some days between xmas and NY, same for her DP.

Also PP have asked if we could come another time - we can’t due to school and DH’s work. DB could but then I wouldn’t see him and meet his baby.

It sounds like there is space, there would be a family per room. I think if you don't want to squash in (which is perfectly reasonable) then you need to pay.

You and brother pay for mum and partner to stay in hotel and then the two families stay in the house? Is that an option?

@Newkitchen123

You and brother pay for mum and partner to stay in hotel and then the two families stay in the house? Is that an option?

I think suggesting kicking someone out of their own house over Christmas would (rightly) go down like a lead ballon....

@DeRigueurMortis

I think you are conflating a few different issues here.

Your and your brothers home locations are irrelevant. You both chose to live where you do.

His relative proximity to your DM's house isn't relevant as is the fact it costs you more to travel to that location.

The issue is that there isn't space for you both to stay at the same time.

If you want to stay in an apartment then it's up to you to pay for it.

However if you both want to stay in the house then you need to do so at different times or negotiate who stays where.

I think it is reasonable to say to your DM that given you haven't seen her for so long that you get first choice of staying in the house and he needs to find an alternative.

This ^

Thing is I have 3 teens. We've stayed in one room a few times. Yes, it's nicer to each have our own room, but we're quite happy to do that. It is not for ever family, but we know how to give each other space in that situation.

If I was assuming we'd do that, then a sibling said they weren't happy to do the same and we're renting an apartment, I'd think "up to you, fine". But I would be seriously unimpressed being asked to pay towards it.

If you phone your dB and chat, comment that you're a bit worried about it being cramped. If he says "that's fine by us", then pay for it yourself.
If he says "that's worrying me too", then suggest one of you gets an apartment and you share costs.
Only thing is, that if you've seen less of your parents, wouldn't it make sense if he stayed on the apartment? Are you happy to go halves then?

I think the problem you may have is that DB is happy to squeeze in and bunk up together. So suggesting he can't stay in your DMs house because you want to have the space is a bit much.

I was going to say the same as @ShingleBeach

If you haven't already got one, start a WhatsApp Group with your Mum and your brother (and your partners if you wish) and put :

“Hey DBro, can’t wait to be together, meet new baby, see parents after all this while. what shall we do about accommodation now that we have all these kids between us? We’re not going to fit, are we? Shall we see if we can get an apartment really close by? Doesn’t matter which family goes in it, but we could split the cost to make it fair?”

Hits exactly the right note. It's going to be a regular issue for years to come if you want to see him when you fly to see your Mum, and if you want your dc to grow up knowing their cousins, so sort it out in a friendly way now, rather than paying and resenting it. You can't exactly book it for yourself and bill him for half, but this message says - 'this is going to be an issue, how can we all put out heads together to resolve it ?'