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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel terrified about driving? Help what can I do to stop this anxiety

26 replies

Lilyandra · 17/08/2021 21:04

I passed my test two and a half years ago, and as me and DH want to start a family it would be so much easier if I have a car. Especially to see my family who live outside our city and not rely on public transport or other people etc. With covid as well, the idea of being on public transport for an hour and a half to get to work when it's just a 25min car drive seems like a no brainer.

I had one refresher lesson which went really well and my instructor said I'm fine to drive so was feeling okay. Ever since I bought a car I'm absolutely terrified. I've had it a week and a half and managed to get out most days with it, furthest I've gone is 11 miles there and 11 miles back, but mostly just quick journeys of a few miles but I'm still scared.

What doesn't help is I learnt in a car with a higher engine, bought a 1litre as wanted a small car for living in a city and I keep stalling on hills or when I'm parked and have to start driving up a hill so it's made me more scared.

I know I need to keep doing it, I'm supposed to go see my mum tomorrow who lives 25miles away which will be my longest journey alone and I'm bricking it as have to go after I finish work at 4 so will be busy as well. I keep thinking to not do it but don't want to let her down as supposed to be going for dinner. I'm scared I'll crash and injure myself/someone else or damage a car or someone will crash into me and I'll panic. My heart is constantly pounding thinking about driving.

Any suggestions on how I can get over this fear snd any advice on hill starts with a small engine? I never had the hill start issue when learning

OP posts:

SeoultoSeoul · 17/08/2021 21:31

Pay for a couple of lessons with an instructor or swap to an automatic car.

Lumpwoody · 17/08/2021 21:33

Get beta blockers from the doctor to get you over the hump of fear.

AluckyEllie · 17/08/2021 21:35

Lots of gas on the hill starts and lift the clutch slowly, you might over rev slightly but as long as you lift clutch slowly you won’t bunny hop.

Fluffandbubbles · 17/08/2021 21:38

Why not put ‘P’ plates on your car just to inform other drivers that you are a new driver and may be a bit more hesitant ?

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 17/08/2021 21:38

It can take a while to get used to a different car when you don't have a lot of experience. Keep going out in it. Can you afford a couple of lessons in your new car to help give you a few pointers and develop a bit more confidence?

I hate driving, I didn't learn until I was in my 30s, and I just have to make myself do it. Funnily enough I had issues with hill starts in my first car. Eventually it just clicked I think.

PinkiOcelot · 17/08/2021 21:39

The more anxious you are, the worse you will be and the more mistakes you’ll make which will make you more anxious. It’s a vicious circle. But, you’ve got this. You can do it. You’ve passed your test so you must have been good enough for that.
Have you told your DH how anxious you feel. Could he go on some journeys with you?
It sounds like you’re just not quite used to driving that car. When you get more used to driving it, I’m sure you’ll be fine.

Theoscargoesto · 17/08/2021 21:50

Ask your old instructor to go out with you in your new car. Explain what the issue is and have a couple of sessions. If he is any good, he will happily do it and it’ll be money well spent.

Vicliz24 · 17/08/2021 21:52

I kept my P sticker on my car for three years because I was so fearful. I also used to get up early and go and drive things that stressed me at say 6am when it's quiet. It took me months to figure out roundabouts properly and that's how I did it . It also helped me to learn which lanes I needed etc . The only way to conquer your fear is to drive regular. I sympathise. Good luck

OneTC · 17/08/2021 21:54

If you're genuinely worried enough then don't do it. I expect people know their limitations better than I can say and you've not had the car, or been driving long. It's your call.

On the overall anxiety thing though. Just do it, just drive, take longer journeys. Doing short journeys never gives you time to relax. You leave anxious, you arrive anxious, the whole experience is anxious. A longer journey gives you time to settle in and enjoy it a bit more

Yesitsbess · 17/08/2021 21:58

I feel ya! I've been driving for 20 years in an automatic, decided to do my manual test to access cheaper cars and boy oh boy is it a whole different thing.

What has helped, is going to a large car park and stalling the heck out of our other car... it's the panic around stalling that is killing me, slowly getting there. Get a friend who can laugh with/at you, slap some L plates on and find a quiet hill!

FizzyPink · 17/08/2021 22:02

This may sound slightly extreme but when I was having hypnotherapy my hypnotherapist told me about a man she treated who had a severe phobia of driving on motorways. He was fine driving usually but just could not get past his fear of motorways. Supposedly she totally cured him so could be worth a shot.

Popsicle438 · 17/08/2021 22:06

An automatic car will prevent you from stalling on hills. Why not change, and then book a few refresher lessons? Automatics take a lot of the stress away.

UnsuitableHat · 17/08/2021 22:15

What about a few more refresher lessons in your car? The key, though, is practice. Take yourself on specific routes and talk yourself through them as you go. I’m not sure a car being 1 litre makes it stall on hills, but if you do stall , just start up and go again.

Miracle29 · 17/08/2021 22:15

OP you sound like me I actually posted a thread about it. Your doing better than me because I cant seem to even get in the car to drive. I was fine when I passed but during lockdown I didnt drive for over a year and I'm gutted. The car is outside and I think right I'll go out tomorrow and I get racing heart sweaty palms feel sick and none of my family seem to understand they just see me as the person in the family who can drive but wont. It's so dishearting.

fortifiedwithtea · 17/08/2021 22:29

Its not the size of the engine. Its the fact that its a new car to you and you need to get used to it.

Bring your foot slowly up on the clutch and listen for the ‘bite’ the sound changes when the gear engages. With practice you will be able to ride the clutch and use it as a third brake. That is to say you hold the car static on a hill with the hand brake on.

I haven’t been able to drive for 15 years and wouldn’t have the nerve for driving now. But clutch control was something I was good at, had to our driveway was so steep.

FWIW I think you are making great progress as you’ve forced yourself to drive everyday.

spicychickenwing · 17/08/2021 22:29

One of the more recent episodes of the 'how did we get here podcasts' deals specifically with advising about driving phobias. Well worth a listen for advice on it from a psychologist

PheasantsNest · 17/08/2021 23:03

The size of the engine won't affect you stalling. You are taking your foot off too quickly. You need to find the bite point.

CarbsAreNotMyFriend · 18/08/2021 00:13

I'd really recommend switching to an automatic car, it's so much easier if you feel anxious about driving. It removes the worry of stalling, having to find biting point, gear change etc.

Miracle29 · 18/08/2021 21:41

OP how did your drive go? I've got to drive in 2 days I've got to take my children to the dentist and have no other option. It's only a 10 minute drive and I'm already starting to get nervous and planning my route even though I know where it its. I've also got to park in my drive when I cone back and weve not long had it done so not parked on it myself yet and it is slightly uphill. I've never parked in a drive before how do I do it? Do I slow down go into first gear before turning into the drive? Soooo nervous but I need to do it.

Original poster

Lilyandra · 18/08/2021 22:45

@Miracle29

It went okay, on the way I stalled a few times but put handbrake on and fixed it so wasn't a danger to anyone. The nightmare was getting home, I wasn't too worried as thought it would be less busy on roads but sods bloody law the A roads all closed so had to take country lanes back in pitch black (my first time driving at night) and it quadrupled my journey time back.... felt panicky and hated it but I did it. But one plus though I was so desperate to get on the dual carriageway so I think that terrifying experience has made me realise the dual carriageway isn't so bad after all..

Yes slow down before turning in, is it your own driveway?

OP posts:

Miracle29 · 18/08/2021 23:12

well done you. Driving through country lanes in the dark when tou feel nervous I certainly take my hat off to you well done! That's something I get nervous about if a roads blocked and I have to take another route. I think majority of the time I get nervous that I'm annoying someone behind me if I stall I need to learn to forget them and keep at my own pace.
Yes it is my own drive. It's a new drive slight slope and not that big really and I've never drove in a driveway before I suppose it's just like parking in a bay but it's the slope I'm nervous on I dont want to keep stalling attempting to park there.

superram · 18/08/2021 23:20

Yanbu but actually you are as you’ve got this! I hate driving, make up many excuses not to (easy as I live in London so don’t need to drive). I’ve been going out more recently as I don’t want to give up the freedom driving gives (my elderly parents live 300 miles away). I drive a manual for 20 year’s, now have an automatic with no handbrake but I hate the fact o don’t control the ‘bite’. I’ll get used to it but looking forward to my train ride from Devon to home tomorrow instead of the a303!

Original poster

Lilyandra · 18/08/2021 23:37

@Miracle29

well done you. Driving through country lanes in the dark when tou feel nervous I certainly take my hat off to you well done! That's something I get nervous about if a roads blocked and I have to take another route. I think majority of the time I get nervous that I'm annoying someone behind me if I stall I need to learn to forget them and keep at my own pace. Yes it is my own drive. It's a new drive slight slope and not that big really and I've never drove in a driveway before I suppose it's just like parking in a bay but it's the slope I'm nervous on I dont want to keep stalling attempting to park there.

I would say first gear! Thanks, maybe more practice will help, I'm certainly a new driver...

I'm conflicted on getting p plates, some people say it makes people more aggressive where others say they be more patient. Is it worth it?

OP posts:

DixonD · 18/08/2021 23:48

My instructor warned me against P plates as they can bring out the worst in some drivers; and they might treat you with less respect because they can see you are I experienced, possibly nervous and more likely to be slow and hesitant.

I’ve struggled with driving confidence as I passed just before lockdown, and was terrified of driving for years before that. It’s not been easy, it’s been slow going, but it’s getting there. You really have to get out there and just do it.

Miracle29 · 19/08/2021 09:12

My instructor also warned against p plates for the same reasons. I was tempted to get some but decided against it.

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