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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU re: step daughter’s new bf.

48 replies

Seawo · 17/08/2021 16:06

Name changed to avoid past threads (unrelated but together may be identifying) being linked with this one.

Bit of background: Dsd is 19 and due to a number of reasons hasn’t really been here much the last three years. She came back a few weeks ago as she has a new bf in our town.

Our dd is over the moon that she’s staying with us for a while as she worships her. I’ve offered to change/add anything to her room that she needs. Dsd is hinting that she is in no rush to go back.

Now, the BU question is about things I have been allowing that DH and Mil aren’t too thrilled about.

I have told Dsd that her new bf is welcome anytime and have allowed him to stay over. He is a lovely and very respectful lad. I have also said that they are welcome to stay here when we go on holiday (booked before we knew dsd was coming). Dsd is a sensible girl and very happy about how things are going. I also am doing the same as my own DM (as it saved my hide a few times!) and operating a no questions asked ‘call me and I’ll pick you up whenever/wherever’ policy.

I may have initially overridden DH a couple of times about giving her a curfew (I disagreed and said we should give her a key instead) and also re: the bf staying over. But seemed he seemed to agree with me after we chatted about it?

I explained that it’s how I was raised and I’d want to do the same thing for dd and dsd. At 19 she could walk off and do anything she likes, she’s an adult. I trust her and I’d rather her explore her relationship with this boy here, in a place she feels safe and has support, rather then out somewhere strange.

Mil is of the opinion that, due to dsd only recently getting over mh issues, dsd is actually mentally younger and so should have curfew times (10 pm) and not have her bf over. And that she shouldn’t really stay here when we are on holiday as she isn’t convinced she can look after herself.

Now, it is true that dsd hasn’t really been living her life the way most teenagers would have been for the last few years. But she seems to want to now and I am all for giving her a chance to.

I’m all for letting her spread her wings, Dh says he sees where I am coming from but is wary, Mil outright disagrees with the approach. Who is BU?

OP posts:
Lweji · 17/08/2021 16:10

Whatever her own mother and grandmother think about her, she IS an adult. Why is anyone giving her curfews? Confused

I wonder if her MH problems don't stem from them babying and controlling her.

Beamur · 17/08/2021 16:12

She is an adult. She shouldn't be given a curfew, but I would expect her to be considerate about noise etc if she's home late.

JustLyra · 17/08/2021 16:15

At 19 she’s an adult, but I have to admit I wouldn’t be impressed at someone overruling me with my child in my home so overruling your DH isn’t good.

It’s all very well that you want to do things the way you had it, but she’s not you. If she’s had recent mental health problems then your husbands concerns at least deserve being listened to and discussed.

Ultimately decisions should be between your DH and DSD with you having your day considered - not the other way round.

JustLyra · 17/08/2021 16:16

*having your day considered

JustLyra · 17/08/2021 16:16

Say

CabbagesGreen · 17/08/2021 16:17

It's between her and her dad.

Original poster
Seawo · 17/08/2021 16:17

She is very sensible and has always been considerate. I don’t see her suddenly changing, I would go over ground rules if it did but I doubt it will come to that.

Unfortunately I don’t know what her DM thinks. We have no contact at all (her choice). I am not the ow, we met two years after she left DH for someone else. But theirs was a very acrimonious split. I reached out on one occasion to invite her for dinner but it resulted in her assaulting DH so no further attempts have been made.

OP posts:
CabbagesGreen · 17/08/2021 16:18

Nothing to do with what her own mum thinks even.
She's an adult!

girlmom21 · 17/08/2021 16:18

MIL has no say but you need to stop overriding DH.

She's his daughter. You're allowed to not agree with his parenting style, and discuss it private, but you can't publicly overrule him because of your own upbringing. That's disrespectful.

girlmom21 · 17/08/2021 16:19

And i know she's 19 but presumably he's going with the 'my house, my rules' stance

Original poster
Seawo · 17/08/2021 16:19

Ultimately decisions should be between your DH and DSD with you having your day considered - not the other way round.

I understand what you are saying, but DH has said he is happy with it after we’ve discussed it? I have offered to step back but he asked me not to as it means a lot to him that he is seeing dsd happy after so many years.

OP posts:
Lweji · 17/08/2021 16:20

What her grandmother thinks should be even less relevant.

CabbagesGreen · 17/08/2021 16:21

@Seawo

Ultimately decisions should be between your DH and DSD with you having your day considered - not the other way round.

I understand what you are saying, but DH has said he is happy with it after we’ve discussed it? I have offered to step back but he asked me not to as it means a lot to him that he is seeing dsd happy after so many years.

Its up to DH to decide then and he can argue with his mum about if if she insists on getting involved
Kithic · 17/08/2021 16:21

Its mainly up to your DH - not your MIL

rainbowandglitter · 17/08/2021 16:21

Why are you overruling her own dad? That's not on imo.

JustLyra · 17/08/2021 16:22

@Seawo

Ultimately decisions should be between your DH and DSD with you having your day considered - not the other way round.

I understand what you are saying, but DH has said he is happy with it after we’ve discussed it? I have offered to step back but he asked me not to as it means a lot to him that he is seeing dsd happy after so many years.

Is it already done by the time you discuss it though? You’ve stated that you’ve overruled him a few times - discussing it after it’s been done is a waste of time him disagreeing because all that does is put his DD in the middle of a row.
Soontobe60 · 17/08/2021 16:23

It’s not your place to decide what your DSD can or cannot do. She is not your child. But neither is it your MILs decision!
Giving your dh your opinion is fair enough, but ultimately it’s his decision, not yours. (however, that said, I agree with you!)

Original poster
Seawo · 17/08/2021 16:23

you can't publicly overrule him because of your own upbringing. That's disrespectful.

But dd is watching this unfold (16) wouldn’t she wonder why we are treating dsd differently?

OP posts:
Chailatteplease · 17/08/2021 16:24

10pm at 19 is utterly ridiculous will only drive her away.

MindyStClaire · 17/08/2021 16:25

Your MIL has zero say here. You shouldn't be overruling your DH but he's insane to think he can give an adult a curfew.

I'd be with you about the boyfriend, but if your DH isn't happy with someone staying in his home, then the person doesn't stay - same as if you didn't want someone. Plus the fact that it's his DD rather than yours.

Original poster
Seawo · 17/08/2021 16:25

@Chailatteplease that’s what I thought. It’s been so wonderful to have her back!

OP posts:
Saidtoomuch · 17/08/2021 16:26

I think you sound sensible. You aren't over riding her dad or grandmother, as she isn't a child, she is another adult living in your home. There has to be house rules for the benefit of everyone in the house, particularly the younger children, but a 19yo young adult needs guidance, not parenting.

JustLyra · 17/08/2021 16:27

@Seawo

you can't publicly overrule him because of your own upbringing. That's disrespectful.

But dd is watching this unfold (16) wouldn’t she wonder why we are treating dsd differently?

At 16 your DD old enough to realise that different situations mean things are different.

One of my girls has narcolepsy. That means, sadly, her siblings had different rules at different times because they all had appropriate rules to keep them safe.

Couldhavebeenme2 · 17/08/2021 16:27

Blimey. At 19 I'd already been living at uni for the best part of a year with god knows how many (OK, maybe 4) lads sleeping over in halls 200 miles from home.

She's an adult, and it sounds like there is mutual respect there.

I'd be stepping away from the parent/child type of relationship with its own rules and curfews etc, and go more along the lines of adults in a house-share. House rules which are mutually negotiated and agreed, board if she's earning, and yes rules about guests staying over.

But please make sure dh is on board. Oh, and granny can bugger off!

Mummaminnie · 17/08/2021 16:28

OP I actually think you're right to step in here and help your DH be reasonable. He possibly didn't realise that he wasn't treating her like the adult she is. A curfew would have been appropriate for her 3 years ago at 16 but not at 19.