Who is BU re: step daughter’s new bf.

[Seawo]

Name changed to avoid past threads (unrelated but together may be identifying) being linked with this one.

Bit of background: Dsd is 19 and due to a number of reasons hasn’t really been here much the last three years. She came back a few weeks ago as she has a new bf in our town.

Our dd is over the moon that she’s staying with us for a while as she worships her. I’ve offered to change/add anything to her room that she needs. Dsd is hinting that she is in no rush to go back.

Now, the BU question is about things I have been allowing that DH and Mil aren’t too thrilled about.

I have told Dsd that her new bf is welcome anytime and have allowed him to stay over. He is a lovely and very respectful lad. I have also said that they are welcome to stay here when we go on holiday (booked before we knew dsd was coming). Dsd is a sensible girl and very happy about how things are going. I also am doing the same as my own DM (as it saved my hide a few times!) and operating a no questions asked ‘call me and I’ll pick you up whenever/wherever’ policy.

I may have initially overridden DH a couple of times about giving her a curfew (I disagreed and said we should give her a key instead) and also re: the bf staying over. But seemed he seemed to agree with me after we chatted about it?

I explained that it’s how I was raised and I’d want to do the same thing for dd and dsd. At 19 she could walk off and do anything she likes, she’s an adult. I trust her and I’d rather her explore her relationship with this boy here, in a place she feels safe and has support, rather then out somewhere strange.

Mil is of the opinion that, due to dsd only recently getting over mh issues, dsd is actually mentally younger and so should have curfew times (10 pm) and not have her bf over. And that she shouldn’t really stay here when we are on holiday as she isn’t convinced she can look after herself.

Now, it is true that dsd hasn’t really been living her life the way most teenagers would have been for the last few years. But she seems to want to now and I am all for giving her a chance to.

I’m all for letting her spread her wings, Dh says he sees where I am coming from but is wary, Mil outright disagrees with the approach. Who is BU?

Your DH should be making the decisions, you are welcome to input but it's down to him.

Your MIL has fuck all to do with this. It is absolutely none of her business. I'd have been raging as a 19 year old if my interfering old bag of a granny felt that she got to chip in with her twopence worth on what I was and wasn't allowed to do.

Your DH on the other hand is the girl's father and it should be down to him - not you - to set the boundaries he thinks are acceptable. As an adult she can either decide to abide by these in your home, or move out and live her own life.

Your DH should obviously consult you as it's your home too - but you shouldn't be overriding what he thinks.

I'm not really sure why it's DH's decision only .. over an adult? Surely now the 'parenting' is done as she's 19 and an adult and it comes down to what the homeowners are comfortable with under their roof, which is both OP and DH?

She is an adult of course but any adult living in someone else’s house has to follow their rules. You’re obviously less conservative than your DH but since he is her Dad, I’d be inclined to let him make the rules and you take a backseat.

At 19yo I was lining and working abroad.

So due to my own experience of being this age and not having curfews etc I'd say you're approach sounds great.

It's great your DSD has a home with you unconditionally too.

I agree that it needs to be what your DH wants to do, although I don’t think there is anything at all wrong with your approach.

As for your DD watching this. You can treat children fairly whilst still treating them differently. There will already be lots of differences between how DSD and DD were brought up.

@Mummaminnie yes DH is wary but he also said thank you as dsd is very happy. I think he was ‘knee jerk’ still seeing her as a very young girl.

@Couldhavebeenme2 Yes, that’s how I feel.

Would you be happy with your DH completely overruling you in the same way?

Mil needs to keep her nose out.

I’d hope that if I was doing something that may damage my relationship with an adult dc, not out of malice but just because I was still treating them as a child, that DH would chat with me about it and point out why it might be a bad idea?

It’s more mil to be honest that is causing the drama. DH is with me but feels wary.

@Seawo

I’d hope that if I was doing something that may damage my relationship with an adult dc, not out of malice but just because I was still treating them as a child, that DH would chat with me about it and point out why it might be a bad idea?

It’s more mil to be honest that is causing the drama. DH is with me but feels wary.

See your logic is sound - I'd just make sure you're discussing it with him, not overruling him. Sometimes we do need to point out the sensible option to us, but we don't want it done publicly.

Also, if it's DH calling the shots, it's easier for him to tell MIL to butt out.

OP I think you're doing a great job and the right thing. And that includes helping your DH see he has to give his daughter the freedom an adult should have.

Whilst I'm more in tune with what you're trying to do, I think it's for your DH to lead her parenting rather than you to override him.

Also, with MH in the equation and her having been away for 3y it's hard to be sure what's the best advice for your DSD.

I voted YABU for the DH aspect, but I think your parenting style in most circumstances is perfectly reasonable.

I do think you are right, and my 19 yo has a key and a request, that we expect to be complied with, that they let us know if / roughly what time they will be in.

However, your DH is the parent. If you have a discussion and he ends up (without being browbeaten) accepting your suggestions, then he needs to be able to be confident enough if his decision to tell his mother to butt out. Or at least that as a parent he has considered her view but on balance is happy with his decision as her father.

But in your DH’s shoes I would be interested to know more about why things have changed that she is back and intending to stay. In case it is relevant.

I mean I think you could be making a rod for your own back by being so relaxed, especially with the no questions asked lifts wherever/wherever.

It’s fuck all to do with your MIL though! Your kid your rules (I’m firmly of the opinion that if a child lives under your roof as part of your family you should get a say in parenting decisions, step parent or not).

Wow. I think that's really arrogant of you actually, to make decisions about someone else's child. Even if they are an adult. I'd be bloody furious with you if I were your dh.

Particularly having her bf stay. Plenty of parents don't have adult partners of their children staying over and while I personally think that's ridiculous, for you to make the decision without even a discussion with her father is awful.

A curfew is ridiculous for a 19 yo.

Unless the plan is to drive her away?

Mil needs to stfu.

Perhaps I used the wrong word in overruled? I didn’t mean I shouted at him in front of people and told him it would be done this way. We were discussing it not long after she came over and went out for the first time. He said his mum wanted him to call and tell dsd a curfew time. I told him that I thought that was ridiculous and why. Same with the boyfriend staying over, DJ and I talked about it before dsd ever mentioned it.

I felt like I may have overruled him as I’m quite an opinionated person when it comes to the dc, and dh is more laid back and more happy for others to make the decisions. I’d felt it was mil making the decisions through dh iyswim. He does agree now that dsd is more happy/relaxed than he has ever seen her.

I do see what posters are saying though, but I see it as more standing up for a sensible and emerging young adult than it being a matter of interfering with parenting decisions at her age. I understand others would see it differently.

I mean I think you could be making a rod for your own back by being so relaxed, especially with the no questions asked lifts wherever/wherever.

Dsd has always been very kind and considerate, I don’t think she will ever take advantage. I believe the ‘no questions’ asked policy is important as it was my mums use of it that saves me from a bad situation once. I wasn’t supposed to be where I was, and if I’d have been too scared to call her as I’d get in trouble (when it all started to get quite scary) I would have been stuck. She did chat with me in the morning, not to tell me off but to go through ways to keep myself safe after I told her what happened, and to thank me for calling her.

I want dsd and dd to feel they can do that too.

I think YABU because although DH came around to seeing your point of view, you should always aim for a united front. You should have addressed the disagreement privately between the two of you, made a decision and then presented it to DSD instead of undermining your DH.

I agree with your approach and you sound like a lovely stepmum. Not sure why granny thinks she can demand a curfew for your DSD, she sounds a bit much!

I would tell MIL to back off and stop interfering in how you are running your home, and that an adult can come and go as they please, and that as long as there is respect on both sides, then the situation will work fine for everyone and that as a couple you and dh have this covered and she shouldn’t insert herself into situations that aren’t her concern.

Why/how does the MIL even know about all the goings on in your home? She needs to be kept out of it.