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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being selfish re. wedding?

30 replies

bridepanic · 17/08/2021 12:44

My fiancé and I got engaged last month - incredibly happily!!! I have never wanted a big wedding (AT ALL), and I'd be very happy to elope just the two of us. My fiancé is perfectly happy to not have a 'big' wedding, but is insistent that his family (who I love and get on with very well, and who love me) and my family (who love him) are there. He feels it would be wrong not to invite them, he would be very unhappy and so would our Mum's etc. I am v understanding of his POV, and I don't want to cause family drama by eloping, so we are now planning an immediate-family only wedding. (Around 15 people)

Only problem is - as planning has started I've found that any of our ideas (too outing to discuss but basically would involve 2 days of really lovely celebrations that in theory are perfect) are giving me major anxiety. There's no good reason for it other than the idea of bringing both our families together for that time seems so stressful to me, and I feel like I would spend the whole time people-managing. Our families get on (although don't know each other well) and no one is difficult in the traditional sense, although we both have families with a tendency to sulk occasionally (!) There's no real reason for this feeling, except that I feel it.

We had a big talk a few days ago and my fiancé basically said to me - what would be the least stressful day for you that isn't eloping, as having immediate family there is non-negotiable. I said that maybe just a registry office in our town and then a meal at a restaurant would be the least stress as it would be the least time together. He said we could do that, and the most important thing is that we get married and I enjoy it! The only problem is I feel so sad for him, as he has some beautiful ideas for a wedding day that I know I'd love if I could keep calm about the whole families thing.

I'm basically just asking if I'm being unfair to him for kind of ruining our wedding day just because I have this feeling I'll be too stressed to enjoy anything, despite not really having any reason to? It's his day too, and I know he will go along with whatever I want because he's that kind of man, but I don't want to feel guilty forever that we had a rubbish wedding just because I felt anxious. Any advice?

OP posts:
Finfintytint · 17/08/2021 12:47

A registry office wedding with a meal out isn’t a rubbish wedding!
Can’t you incorporate one or two of his ideas too?

Original poster
bridepanic · 17/08/2021 12:50

@Finfintytint ah that was poor phrasing - I actually really don't think it's a rubbish wedding at all, I think my fiancé feels like it is a bit though :(

OP posts:
TakeYourFinalPosition · 17/08/2021 12:54

He’s happy to compromise. His part is getting his family there. Yours is it not being a two day affair - I hate that idea too, I found half a day more than enough!

If you’re both happy with the compromise, book it in. Congratulations!

GoWalkabout · 17/08/2021 12:57

I think this is compromise, and you have successfully hurdled the first obstacle of married life. He has cared about you and has said what's important to him, you have been able to share your feelings and to care about what he wants too. This is going to be an awesome wedding and you will look back and love how you swerved the big wedding or two days which would be too intense. This is much better. Enjoy planning it together.

girlmom21 · 17/08/2021 12:58

Would it be more comfortable if you had a slightly bigger wedding for your two day celebrations, if your anxiety is around the two families being forced together?

If not, I 100% would go for the registry office.

DeathStare · 17/08/2021 13:05

Do you know where your anxiety about the families comes from? Would it be worth talking to a counsellor?

M0rT · 17/08/2021 13:12

Is it possible your anxiety about it is because your family is not a two day in each others company type of family?
Or there is a stronger personality type in each family that will clash if kept together too long?
There are loads of families that need dilution in a bigger group if they are going to spend that much time together.
Look at Christmas!

SuperSange · 17/08/2021 13:13

Two days? Jesus Christ. There must be a middle ground between eloping and having everyone there for two days. Nobody apart from the B and G is interested in attending a two day wedding, surely? Half a day/evening is more than enough.

IridescentPurple · 17/08/2021 13:23

I said that maybe just a registry office in our town and then a meal at a restaurant would be the least stress as it would be the least time together

That's exactly what we did for much the same reasons. It was lovely and stress free. Wouldn't have done it any other way.

GotTheDisneyBlues · 17/08/2021 13:39

I don't think this sounds rubbish at all, sounds lovely Smile

If you wanted it to feel more wedding-y for your fiancé, and your budget would allow, could you enquire about private dining in a nearby hotel?

DH and I looked into this - the room and table is all dressed with music playing in the background, but it feels very private and a little more special maybe? Just an idea.

Alonelonelyloner · 17/08/2021 13:41

If you are both happy then this is fine. That is all that matters. BOTH.

motherofcatsandbears · 17/08/2021 14:30

My wedding was very intimate - parents, brothers/ sister plus partners so only 12 of us in total. I always knew I didn’t want a big white wedding. We wanted to get married in Majorca where my parents were living as my dad had Parkinson’s and we didn’t want him to travel but couldn’t do it due to residence laws so they came to us and stopped in a holiday cottage with my brothers and their other halves.
Booked two wedding cars for us to arrive in style.

  1. Minimal fuss register office (planned for everything apart from the walk in music which never occurred to me but they played some beautiful lord of the rings instrumental music), no white dress but there was some sneaky confetti throwing.
  2. Slap up meal at a very nice local restaurant and wedding cake cutting, taxis back home.
  3. Biggish party at our favourite pub for family and friends.
We had so many comments on how lovely it all was, very relaxed and informal. Don’t let anyone pressure you into something you don’t want - it’s your and your DP’s day 🥂🥂🥂
Merryoldgoat · 17/08/2021 14:35

A two day wedding will only thrill the couple.

You have discussed and compromised. Perfect.

TheDogsMother · 17/08/2021 14:41

We had a 15 person wedding at a lovely country house location. A simple ceremony followed by a beautiful, leisurely lunch and a few drinks after. It was a such a relaxed day for everyone.

TinToms · 17/08/2021 14:49

I could have written your post really. I have such a weird anxiety about our families spending time together, even though I love them all and none of them would ever be rude or embarrassing. You honestly have to do what I did, slap yourself and give both families some credit! They really will surprise you and get on fantastically. The thing you have to remember is that despite MN horror stories, most people are really lovely and make a big effort – and they definitely will for your wedding! Try to see your wedding as a day to make your partner happy too. I needed to remind myself of that as otherwise I became very self-centred purely through anxiety. Have fun!

grey12 · 17/08/2021 15:04

Think out of the box then Wink

(Firstly why do you need 2 days???!! Confused)

We had our reception in a boat down the Thames Grin it wasn't too pricey, considering, and everyone loved it! I'm saying this because people get stuck with the idea of wedding in their head and forget all other options.

Think of it like a lavish (within budget!!!) joint birthday! And make it fun!

Lweji · 17/08/2021 15:06

YABU to feel anxiety over the two families mixing up. They are adults and they should be largely left to their own devices to socialise. Worst case, they'll only speak to their own side of the family, but no harm done.
Why would you need to people manage?
In my experience, people will start talking, if nothing else, about you two, or how the wedding was.
Just enjoy your own experience and let them be.

Lweji · 17/08/2021 15:07

But I agree with other pps. Just one day for everyone together. No need to force people to mix for two whole days.

Hekatestorch · 17/08/2021 15:12

I think your idea is lovely.

But he has compromised massively.

There no need for 2 days of celebration. Could you do one day but more of the the things he wants on one day. So rather than registry office and a meal out. Maybe a small civil ceremony and wedding breakfast at a hotel, for just the 15 people. He gets more wedding-y ideas he has. You get a low key, less stressful event.

ViciousJackdaw · 17/08/2021 15:14

A two-day affair is a bit much really - times have changed and many people just don't have as much money to spend. Expecting everyone to attend will cause a whole new set of anxieties and that's the last thing you need.

BluebellsGreenbells · 17/08/2021 15:17

Nobody wants a two day wedding they really don’t. It’s too stressful for everyone that aren’t used to mixing. Having to be polite and feel uncomfortable.

So have a wedding ceremony meal out and then go and party with friends.

Or do something special for the two of you, big night out or balloon flight or something

Youseethethingis · 17/08/2021 15:27

In theory we wanted to elope, in reality we wanted our families, in practice a small wedding of parents and siblings would have been awful thanks to complicated dynamics on DHs side.
So we compromised and had a medium sized wedding (60) with closest friends and favourite cousins, aunts/uncles which nicely diluted the crazy and everyone had a fab time (I think!).
He's right though, you both being happy and married is the main thing!

MintyGreenDream · 17/08/2021 15:28

I hate mixing families I totally get where your coming from.At ours they just sat with their side of the family and didn't mix much.

MintyGreenDream · 17/08/2021 15:29

you're

GiraffeInTheWild · 17/08/2021 15:38

I had similar anxieties, and then COVID happened so we had two people at our town hall wedding (our neighbours 😂) and it was glorious. We had a few dinners with smaller groups after that so there was minimal entertainment pressure/anxiety and we got to spend quality time with all the people that were special to us (we still have a few to go with family as they're all overseas and we've not been able to travel there yet - which has basically extended the celebrations by more than a year, something we've actually really enjoyed)
I know weddings are a super special occasion-but keep in mind it's one day out of your whole marriage; which ultimately is the import thing.