My mum being ungrateful and toxic toward me

[Hellsbells35]

Mums birthday Friday and I told her to keep Saturday free for a surprise. She doesn’t do a lot on weekends so I know she’d probably be free anyway.

I then arranged a get together for my mum with myself & family and my two brothers and their families or partner.

I spent ages decided on where to get together and what to do. Decided to meet in Salisbury as it’s a bit closer to my brother who lives 3 hours away, and just an hour for is (I’m the only one with little kids).

Booked a restaurant and looked up lovely walks around the city. It’s very pretty.

Decide to tell mum the plan as not sure she likes surprised and you would have thought I’d set off a stink bomb. She hated the idea. Asked why we weren’t going further, criticised going to Salisbury and was really rude.

Is this normal? I’m thinking if someone had tried to organise something like that for me I’d be happy. And even if I didn’t like the plan, I’d be grateful and suggest an alternative?

I told her I’d cancel the whole thing. I was so shocked by how rude she was about the whole thing.

Now I feel horrible that I wasted time planning to have it thrown back in my face, and embarrassed that what I thought would be a lovely get together has gone so toxic.

Im really sad about it.

How far would she have to travel?

Does she like walks, is it something she does often?

I’d still go and enjoy the time with the rest of my family……without her.
Is she always hard work and rude?

Has she history of doing things like this, or is it out of character?
If there is history, I would just not bother in the future as you m

Sorry hit post button lol.

I was saying if she is like this anyway then dont bother in future, but if it is out of character and you can talk to her, tell her how she has made you feel.

Cancel it and take your children to somewhere lovely

@Undisclosedlocation

I’d still go and enjoy the time with the rest of my family……without her. Is she always hard work and rude?

This. Send her a photo of you all enjoying her birthday, the ungrateful cow.

My mother once did something almost identical. I spent a load of time getting her a birthday present, a necklace that was handmade just for her only to be met with with a nasty comment. I wish I'd told her then to fuck herself. Sadly I didn't on that day but I did shortly afterwards.

However, I went no contact with her over 10 years ago and it's been blissful ever since.

Thanks everyone. She is often rude and I can imagine the necklace scenario also. It was a day out, which she would like. She was being taken there, and seemed annoyed it wasn’t further.

I explained I couldn’t go to the Cotswolds which my brother had suggested as it’s 2.5hrs away and not fun for the kids to spend 5 hrs in the car.

She made some comment about us not minding when we went on holiday to Cornwall.

Oh God she sounds awful, poor you! Don't pander to her appalling behaviour, she really doesn't deserve her lovely children/grandchildren.

Sorry but I am going to play the devil's advocate on this one.

It's her birthday, not yours so maybe asking her opinion of where she would enjoy going in the first place might have been a good thing to do before arranging it to suit everybody else but her.

You put you and your brother's own convenience before her preferences and expected her to be grateful for wherever she ended up.

Oh, she wanted to go further? I thought she was pissed off with having to travel to Salisbury.

So she's acting spoilt and ungrateful then. I did not get that.
How unpleasant.

Does she enjoy walking?

She’s very indecisive and never says what she wants. There were no plans for her birthday which is why I thought I’d do something she’d enjoy. Lunch was booked for 12, and we’d of had a walk around Salisbury after as there are nice walks very close to centre that aren’t strenuous. I had thought I had taken the leg work out for her so she could just enjoy herself.

Plus it’s one hour for her away. And I thought she wouldn’t want to spend too long travelling for her birthday…but seems she wanted to.

I’m thinking now whatever I would have suggested would have been wrong. She doesn’t know what she’d want to do, because she finds fault in everything.

How far are your brothers and their families having to travel?

My Mum's exactly the same - she wants something special for events but whatever you do is wrong.

In particular if I organise it it's definitely wrong.

She won't say "it's shit" because you know - she's genteel... but she'll make absolutley SURE that you know she is displeased - a series of sighs, comments like "what made you think of here?" and prodding at the food will be trotted out.

She's been like it for about 15 years now - on a slightly lower level before then but intolerable now.

I've already moaned about it on here but I paid a bomb for an afternoon tea to be delivered and she did her sighing, opening the box, sighing routine and then sent a text to my daughter saying "thanks to alittlequinnie and partner" but not say to me - "thank you - it was lovely"

I'm just about at the point where I don't even want to have to look at her again because I'm sick of it.

Make your stand now OP before she turns into my Mum - tell her - okay if you don't fancy it we'll cancel it - you say exactly what you want and we will go along...

I wish I had done this years ago!

We’re all travelling 1hr…oldest brother and wife travelling 2hrs which they were fine with

@alittlequinnie she’s exactly like that. Totally passive aggressive and makes it very clear.

I did tell her I’d cancel it. And I did.

@alittlequinnie thank you for your message. I’m sorry your mum is like that, I know how hard it is. I think it’s a mixture of jealousy and bitterness

Do nothing for her birthday.

Reschedule the meet up and don't include her.

Stop running after her and focus on your own family and your siblings.

She does not deserve your time and attention.

So don't give it to her.

Step out of her circle of misery and rudeness.

You do not owe her your peace.

Step away.

Oh well done for cancelling it! See how much she likes staying in her house on her birthday instead. Honestly, people like this are so hideously, tediously rude. They are determined to not enjoy themselves and make a huge effort to be disappointed with everything when having a lovely time would be so easy. You'd never have got it right, whatever you planned, so definitely best off saving yourselves all the bother. It might help your mum see that she's the one ruining it for herself.

To be fair, no one is under any obligation to like a surprise or to pretend they like it. It’s a risk you run by planning one. So while your DM may be rude in the other cases you mentioned, I don’t think she was unreasonable or rude in the case of the birthday surprise, merely honest.

Sorry op. I cant win with mine either she never grateful.. you did your best. My mother is negative which doesnt help

Good on you for cancelling it. I wouldn’t arrange anything else as she sounds rude and ungrateful

For one birthday of my mother’s, she reacted in a similar way to me. I took annual leave, drove halfway up the country and took her out for lunch. Drove her to the restaurant, paid the bill and got her a present / card. She moaned l didn’t make much effort. Is 500 miles of driving little effort?!