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AIBU?

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Original poster

To stop DSS drinking at home

40 replies

LindaEllen · 16/08/2021 15:54

DSS has just turned 18 but has been drinking with friends for the last year or so as his friends turned 18 first. He lives full time with us as his mother walked out when he was 1.

Since he's been able to go into a shop to get it for himself, he's been buying a pack of 6 beers and a bottle of vodka and bringing them home to drink in his room while gaming. Sometimes he'll game with friends, others not. He will be visibly drunk by bedtime, even when he's got to be up early the next day.

DP is concerned not with the drinking but with the habit of sitting drinking alone. We don't drink in the house unless we have people over so our views might be swayed by our own habits, but it just doesn't sit right with me, having him holed up in his room drinking on his own.

Would we be unreasonable to say he's not drinking in the house unless we're having some kind of get together?

DP is fine with him drinking - just not on his own in his room, most nights, spending a huge portion of his wages on alcohol.

TIA

(And before anyone asks DP is concerned too and isn't sure what to do, me and DSS get on fine, and no I wasn't the other woman .. I know how threads by stepmums can go 😂)

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 16/08/2021 16:03

does he know why he is drinking so frequently and alone ?

does he recognise that this is not the norm ?

what does he say when you ask why ?

🌸

QueenBee52 · 16/08/2021 16:04

is he perhaps now a functioning alcoholic ?

Im sorry OP.. its very difficult 🌸

Anoisagusaris · 16/08/2021 16:08

Does he drink 6 cans and a bottle of vodka in one night? How often does he do it?

Lavender24 · 16/08/2021 16:13

I think if you ban it he will probably just learn to hide it.

Original poster
LindaEllen · 16/08/2021 16:19

@Anoisagusaris

Does he drink 6 cans and a bottle of vodka in one night? How often does he do it?
Yes but it's only a small bottle of vodka (not that it makes it better).

He says he does it to chill out.. we say he shouldn't need alcohol to wind down, and it should be used more of a social thing.

His attitude sucks when he's finished the drinks as well and he's not a small lad so it intimidates me a little.

DP is clueless about the right thing to do :(.

OP posts:
ChainJane · 16/08/2021 16:20

It's perfectly normal to drink alone. It's a good way to relax, not everyone is comfortable in social situations. I always drink more in social situations, it's not so much that there's pressure to as it's a way to overcome anxiety.

The quantity is important. If you mean he drinks six cans of beer and a bottle of vodka a night, that's a hell of a lot, especially for an 18 year old to handle. You'd need to be a seasoned drinker to manage that and still function the next day. If he's buying that and then drinking it over the course of a week, that's a much more normal amount, probably at the lower end of things for an 18 year old really.

(Of course it depends on size and strength too - 6x500ml cans of 9% lager plus a 1.5ltr bottle of supermarket vodka is a different proposition to 6x330ml cans of 4% lager and a 35cl bottle of vodka.

ChainJane · 16/08/2021 16:22

X-post. Six cans a night is a lot, regardless of the spirits.

I worry about the "he shouldn't need alcohol to wind down" idea though - that's exactly what it's for. What would you prefer him to take to wind down, prescription drugs or illegal ones? Alcohol might be the lesser of two evils.

His mood after drinking will hopefully be a temporary thing, once he gets used to drinking that amount it might improve.

JanisJ · 16/08/2021 16:23

Him having a couple of cans while gaming 2-3 times a week.

But 6 beers and a bottle of vodka is definitely a problem. What does his dad say?

LazyYogi · 16/08/2021 16:25

I wonder if he actually sees it as drinking alone if he is doing it while gaming which will feel like he is in company with his gaming friends, especially if they are drinking too?
Definitely worth a conversation but might not be as exclusive as it seems.

MeridianB · 16/08/2021 16:26

Someone will come along with some helpful expertise and experience, OP, but I didn’t want to read and run.

What you’ve described sounds like alcohol dependency, which is incredibly sad for anyone but especially an 18yo.

The risk to his overall health as well as his mental health, and his ability to find a way out of this must be a huge concern for you both.

Do you have any younger children at home?
Does he study or work?

AryaStarkWolf · 16/08/2021 16:26

Is he doing it every night or once a week?

ForeverSausages · 16/08/2021 16:28

As above, is this every night?

OverTheRubicon · 16/08/2021 16:30

It's really not normal to drink alone or to wind down. 45% of the world adult population is teetotal, but MN is full of quite heavy drinkers.

I feel a lot of sympathy, it's really concerning but also you don't want it hidden.

Can you focus on the outcomes - having a bad attitude to you (drinking or not) is not ok, and he should see the financial impact of this. How is he affording it? If you're letting him live rent free then you're effectively subsidising his drinking so I'd stop that too. If it gets really bad, then you could make him staying conditional on engaging with some kind of professional support, though again you'd have to be ready for him to choose to move out.

AryaStarkWolf · 16/08/2021 16:32

It's really not normal to drink alone or to wind down.

I don't see anything wrong with having a glass or 2 of wine on a Friday evening to wind down after the week, alone or not. If it's every night then yeah it's worrying

Whydidimarryhim · 16/08/2021 16:45

Yes he’s drinking a lot isn’t he.
He needs help if he thinks he has an issue.
I’m sure there maybe some agencies you can contact but I can’t think of any of the top of my head.- is there addiction in the family? Does he work? Does he go out to meet others.
You shouldn’t be intimidated in your own home.
You could look at Alanon for support.

StoneofDestiny · 16/08/2021 16:49

As above

Sciurus83 · 16/08/2021 16:53

6 cans and a bottle of vodka EVERY NIGHT? That is serious problem territory. The conversation you are having with him would be appropriate at 2-3 cans a night, you should be having an entirely different one about his problem drinking. That is a vast amount.

daytriptovulcan · 16/08/2021 16:53

You re going to be be here here that he's an adult and to butt out, as he's doing nothing illegal.
Though this isn't going to improve unless you address it now. He's at serious risk of developing Alcoholism, and failing to get or hold a job, and all the other chaos that will come his way. Should you ban alcohol from the house, apart from the social event?

Sciurus83 · 16/08/2021 16:54

Or is this less often? Your post is not clear

romdowa · 16/08/2021 16:55

Sounds like he has a problem with alcohol. What is his mood like if he doesn't have his cans and small bottle one evening?

MadeForThis · 16/08/2021 16:59

How may nights per week?

MadeForThis · 16/08/2021 17:00

Addiction and Ro Ken drinking can start young. A relative died at 33 due to this. It started with cans every night.

MadeForThis · 16/08/2021 17:02

If it's only on a Friday night I wouldn't worry. If he's gaming online and chatting with friends it's not the same as drinking alone.

Original poster
LindaEllen · 16/08/2021 17:05

Thanks for the support everyone and in answer I'd say it's about 5 nights a week - the only time he doesn't do it is when he's spent his wages for the week so there may be a day or two where he can't afford it.

To the poster who said how would I prefer him to wind down - of course not drugs like you suggested, but the vast majority of people don't get drunk every night do they? I can understand having a drink as part of a chilled evening but I cannot accept that getting drunk alone is ever a good thing to do.

In answer to are there any other kids - no. And to what does DP think - he thinks it's not normal but he asked me what I thought because he wanted to know whether he should put his foot down or whether to let him make his own mistakes as an adult.

He's going to talk to him this evening and say he doesn't want him drinking alone in his room anymore.

Thanks again everyone :).

OP posts:
VienneseWhirligig · 16/08/2021 17:06

It does seem quite a lot to me, but I only have my own DS to base it on - he's 21 and will have a beer or two at night occasionally while gaming, he games with his friends online so he says it's the equivalent of being in company, just socially distanced. He sometimes has a couple of rum and cokes, or a whiskey. But he doesn't drink a whole pack of beer plus spirits on every occasion, and he doesn't drink to the point of being drunk at home. I would be a bit worried about your DSS too.