To stop DSS drinking at home

[LindaEllen]

DSS has just turned 18 but has been drinking with friends for the last year or so as his friends turned 18 first. He lives full time with us as his mother walked out when he was 1.

Since he's been able to go into a shop to get it for himself, he's been buying a pack of 6 beers and a bottle of vodka and bringing them home to drink in his room while gaming. Sometimes he'll game with friends, others not. He will be visibly drunk by bedtime, even when he's got to be up early the next day.

DP is concerned not with the drinking but with the habit of sitting drinking alone. We don't drink in the house unless we have people over so our views might be swayed by our own habits, but it just doesn't sit right with me, having him holed up in his room drinking on his own.

Would we be unreasonable to say he's not drinking in the house unless we're having some kind of get together?

DP is fine with him drinking - just not on his own in his room, most nights, spending a huge portion of his wages on alcohol.

TIA

(And before anyone asks DP is concerned too and isn't sure what to do, me and DSS get on fine, and no I wasn't the other woman .. I know how threads by stepmums can go 😂)

@romdowa

Sounds like he has a problem with alcohol. What is his mood like if he doesn't have his cans and small bottle one evening?

We don't see him either way - he goes to his room and plays games. His attitude sucks with or without alcohol but this is just another level that we want and need to stamp out.

It's your home and it would probably be a good idea to ban drinking in the house. Plenty other ways he could unwind and not impact you all in the home.

@LindaEllen

Thanks for the support everyone and in answer I'd say it's about 5 nights a week - the only time he doesn't do it is when he's spent his wages for the week so there may be a day or two where he can't afford it.

To the poster who said how would I prefer him to wind down - of course not drugs like you suggested, but the vast majority of people don't get drunk every night do they? I can understand having a drink as part of a chilled evening but I cannot accept that getting drunk alone is ever a good thing to do.

In answer to are there any other kids - no. And to what does DP think - he thinks it's not normal but he asked me what I thought because he wanted to know whether he should put his foot down or whether to let him make his own mistakes as an adult.

He's going to talk to him this evening and say he doesn't want him drinking alone in his room anymore.

Thanks again everyone :).

Yeah 5 nights a week is way too often

That volume five nights out of seven and only stopping when his wages run out is horribly worrying.

As PP says above, it will make it so hard for him to achieve what he wants in life.

What will you do if he doesn't cooperate? It's not really enforceable on someone over 18.
I don't buy the drinking alone is bad thing. I drink on my own often and would much rather wind down alone than in company, I'm naturally introverted. I'm a late 30s professional and definitely don't have any sort of drink problem.

Ah, this is problem drinking, and I think you're right to be concerned. I would seek advice from a specialist agency rather than here, tbh, because people have such diverse views about drinking and can get very defensive about the discussion.

I'm glad for him that you care and are concerned. I hope you get some help from an agency that knows how best to help people with alcohol dependency. it's so sad to think what all that alcohol will be doing to his young body and brain, both still developing.

It may also be time to have the conversation about him finding his own place?

DS would rather have a beer with his mates online/gaming than have a drink with us. But he tends to have a few beers and not much of a spirit drinker. I drank most nights at that age without being a functioning alcoholic the difference being it was usually round someone’s house before going to a nightclub. Conversation and compromise especially regarding the vodka and how often could be a start. I would also be worried about turning alcohol into something he hides. Gaming can feel very social even if physically alone. I’ve had a few zoom nights drinks over the last 18 months.

I think that's a lot to be drinking every night (at least 5 nights a week). I genuinely can't believe he can function normally the next day. The problem is that banning alcohol will likely mean he'll just do it in secret. He really needs to get professional help. Good luck .

Sounds worryin for me and he is falling into very bad habits. I am not sure what you can do about it though

Is he drinking 6 beers and a bottle of vodka each day?

If he is then it's the drinking you need to be worried about, surely he's an alcoholic or well on the way to becoming one

I agree it is problem drinking. No drink in the house may be difficult for you, but may be the only answer.

I'm very pro drinking and I usually find Mumsnet painfully pious about alochol, but even I think that's waaaay too much. To my mind, drinking alone should be a glass of nice wine with food, or a beer in the sun. Putting away six beers alone in your room is not healthy or positive drinking.

I think his dad needs to talk to him - it sounds like he's using it as an escape or a crutch. He shouldn't be so stressed or unhappy that he needs that much to drink in order to unwind.

This is way too much alcohol to consume in. week and will harm his physical and quite possibly his mental health. He has a serious drink problem. Your DP should be having a conversation about that, not hiding behind the “no drinking alone” excuse.

I think the op 'a bottle of vodka ' is misleading as it is a small one.