I've been lurking in these threads for years, but it has taken me a while to post. I think for years I have convinced myself that I am being unreasonable when I complain about the extreme level of interference in our relationship (and our lives in general) by my in-laws. However, before having a baby it seemed an easier conversation to have with myself. My DD is now 4 months old and, well, shit has gotten crazy.
Long post ahead, but will try to keep it short.
Been with partner for over 10 years, he's an only child. His parents have no friends. I mean ZERO. They have a lot of money and their only "connections" are with their "friends" that work at Gucci, LV, Chanel etc. They like to remind us of these connections often. For the most part, the FIL is bearable, if not pretty weak and kinda preachy. Whatever.
The MIL. This is another story. Before becoming pregnant I'd say we got on well. She definitely had her moments, and the way she speaks to her son leaves a lot to be desired, but I often brushed it off and it didn't bother me that much. Once I fell pregnant, boy did things get weird.
It started when my MIL used her medical connections to obtain the results of our blood tests (without telling us) and finding out the gender of our baby. She called me all excited and told me she knew what we were having, called her son out of a work meeting and made us play a guessing game. It was horrific. We both lost it at her, and she eventually told us we were having a girl and, oh, she'd already told her husband. I spent the rest of the day crying that this moment had been stolen from us. When confronting her, she denied all responsibility, blamed her clinic receptionist who apparently called and got the results...wtf. Not even a sorry.
16 weeks pregnant I'm in the car with them, my partner isn't with us. They decide to tell me the story about how they had an abortion before they had their son (I already knew this but they repeated it anyway) and when they did so they felt it was a girl. Once they knew I was having a girl they feel that this is their daughter come back to them. Not a paraphrase, actual words. Now, I was in a car with them on my own, 16 weeks pregnant, had to spend the day with them and relied on them to take me home. Once I got home I burst into tears, told my partner what happened. He burst out laughing and said "that's fkng insane."... and told me to let it go. Obviously I didn't let it go, I have brought it up many times because, well, that's messed up.
Baby born via emergency c section 4 weeks early, traumatic birth and a covid lockdown. My whole family live overseas and have been unable to come to see me. His parents insisted on rushing to the hospital when I was rushed to emergency. They came into the room as I was being prepped for surgery (partner was at home grabbing my bags). MIL approached the OBY to explain some important customs for the baby's birth and FIL just stood against the wall. I should say at this point, they're both medical professionals. Then they both proceeded to complain to me that my partner had asked them to go home, and that he would call when the baby was born. Their feelings are very hurt, and they don't think it's right that they should leave. I had to reinforce that message whilst the nurse was waiting to insert a catheter into me (without pain relief, as you do). At this stage I didn't know if I or my baby would make it, it was that serious a situation and they knew that. Eventually they left. On their way out, my MIL had a chat to the midwife and said "as we're doctors can we come back tonight even though it's outside of visiting hours". The midwife didn't really know how to respond, but when she came back in the room I told that categorically cannot happen.
Post birth my baby went into the special care nursery, I didn't see her for 7 hours. I was hurting, physically and emotionally. But of course my in laws were there every day during EVERY visiting hour window, to the exclusion of my own friends and the people close to me. They would visit the baby in the SCN and then sit in the room for the remainder of the two hours shooting tequila and celebrating. I was an absolute wreck, I asked my partner for some breathing space from them and, well, that went down like a lead balloon. TBH I was too tired to fight. Both his parents and my partner bought me expensive gifts, gave them to me in the hospital, and got upset that I didn't seem more excited.
Fast forward to home day for baby (I've already had to be home without baby for over a week). MIL offers to drive me to the hospital so partner and FIL can clean up ready for baby to come home. MIL is a women's health professional and self declared expert on all things pregnancy and BF. So, when I need to BF my baby in the nursery (which was already proving hard) not only did she not leave the room, she reached over and started massaging my breasts whilst the baby was latching. I told her no you don't need to do that, but she continued to to do it. I honestly froze. By that stage I had had so many nurses hand expressing me, I was used to feeling pretty crap. Add to that this felt just plain weird, and totally inappropriate. I told my partner, and he agreed that was a massive overstep, but said it was up to me to approach my MIL about it.
Consistent theme of our relationship - it's always up to me to approach his parents if I have an issue. His words "we've been together long enough you should be able to deal with it now".
Get home and I start seeing a psychologist because I can't shake the post baby blues. Both in laws know I am struggling because they were always at the hospital and saw me having multiple emotional breakdowns. Oddly, almost all my conversations with my psych revolve around the in-laws and specifically the MIL.
I can't type everything in detail as it will take days but below is a highlight reel:
- Insisted on being home when we brought baby home and stayed for hours (I let this go, pick your battles)
- Came over every day for the first 10 days. EVERY DAY. My partner did not see the issue with this but eventually agreed to tell them to give us some breathing room.
- At first they helped around the house, that soon stopped. Now they come only to see the baby and drink alcohol. At least it's not every day.
- complained in the hospital when the baby was referenced against my surname and not her son's.
- told me just after the birth that she lies awake at night thinking about my DD and that something bad is going to happen to her. Tells me how traumatised she was by the birth.
- Called out my "cankles" to my friends at our baby shower and how self-conscious I was about them. And when I say called out I mean actually in a very loud voice.
- Took a photo of her and her husband holding the baby and posted it in her family group with her extended family saying "happy family" (me and hubby were not in the photo).
- Posted selfies of her kissing my baby very closely (didn't know she'd taken these until she posted)
- Has repeatedly told me what I should be doing with the baby and when (feeds, nappies, solids etc). I feel this is not unusual for a crazy-ass MIL and it generally doesn't bother me that much.
- repeatedly took the baby from my arms without asking (also does this to other people), including when I was comforting the baby after her immunisations. Passed her around to her friends to hold.
- Told my friends when they could and couldn't hold her (I learned about this later).
- Kept correcting the nurses in the SCN when they were doing their jon (again, I found this out later).
- Told me her son was not interested in becoming a dad and he would be useless, I should just rely on her.
- Kept pressuring me to leave the baby (from birth) in particular for overnight feeds. My partner supported her on this. To the point where she one day told me it WAS happening that night. I laughed in her face and told her it wasn't. She hasn't tried to do it since, and baby sleeps through now anyway.
- says things about our parenting in a baby voice to my baby but in front of me.
- Gets annoyed at my baby if she doesn't get a smile out of her, sits next to me when I am holding her and stares. I mean, really stares.
- Told my daughter she was "annoying" for only being interested in her mum. My daughter is 16 weeks old. I told her it was very normal for a baby to want her mum, she stroked my arm and said oh yes of of course, it's a good thing.
- has an anxious obsession that something bad will happy to my daughter, so is constantly performing spiritual prayers over head and marking her ear with a black mark to ward off the evil eye. This happens EVERY time she sees her.
- Immediately after my FIL praised me for being a good mum my MIL said "yes but how are you moods these days" I said "my moods?" and she said "yes, well, they weren't very good at the start were they."
- Said to my daughter "why are you looking at mummy, she's not brown like us, she's not like us"...(FYI in Australia, Indian people refer to themselves as brown and it is not considered offensive. I apologise if this is offensive to anyone reading the post, I do not use this terminology. However, these were her words, kindly pointing out the difference between my daughters skin and mine. Me being white anglo saxon).
- Called me a spoil sport for not wanting to shot tequila with them during the week when I am caring for my baby.
I could go on, but my fingers hurt. Sometimes I confront her, and sometimes I don't. I honestly don't know why.
When I talk to my partner we almost always end up arguing and these are his stock standard responses -
- She "doesn't know what she's saying"
- You're being over sensitive
- That's not what she said
- She really loves you
- You should talk to her about it
- You are both adults, it's your problem
In a nutshell, he's weak AF.
They usually come every weekend and usually once during the week. This weekend I asked for some space. Which I got but it came at the expense of an entire weekend of fights, and some serious guilt trips. Not to mention his parents calling me constantly.
It got too much and I asked my partner for some space, as my mental health is suffering. He's gone back to his parents for a couple of days (not ideal) and his mum said I will go over to your house while you're here. Thankfully he said no, don't do that. But he did message me and say see this is how much she cares. The reality is, she is coming FOR THE BABY and the baby alone. That's been her pattern of behaviour, I just couldn't list it all here in detail.
Then, at 11pm at night, my FIL is calling me. I messaged my partner and asked why is your dad calling me at 11pm at night. His response, I don't know, he's probably just worried about you. They really love you.
Sigh.
For background - my MIL left my partner when he was 3 months old to pursue her graduate studies in another country, and did not return until he was 3 years old. She visited him occasionally and he was primarily raised by his auntie (dad's sister). Over the years I have heard his mum call him a loser, question his sexuality (she suggested I was a sham girlfriend), both parents tell him that he doesn't love them, he's just waiting for them to die. Dare I say, it's borderline abusive.
BUT they give him lots of money, buy him expensive crap and tell him their happiness is tied to his happiness. Except for the time his mum said we've cut you out of the will, it's all going to your daughter now. This was a serious comment and reflected what actually happened in reality. MIL also wants to give my daughter here entire life savings.
My relationship is totally on a knife edge. This is all on top of multiple prolonged lockdowns as new parents and adjusting to new parenthood. Hard enough.
I think for years I just gave her my power, and didn't contemplate the impact it could have long term. Now I see he is completely unable to stand up to her. He insists he supports me but says it's not his battle. Now he's living there for a few days, it will probably get worse as he will just see them as being worried and wanting to support, rather than being a big part of the problem. We have no boundaries, he tells them everything, and he gave them a house key without telling me or discussing it with me first. So, naturally, after the weekend of no visits they came around mid week unannounced and let themselves in. They used to help, now when they come over, if the baby is asleep MIL gets in a huff and just sits on her phone demanding a drink until baby wakes up. Alcohol is a pervasive and dominant part of their lives. My partner started drinking a lot mid week, when I addressed the issue he stopped for a while, but he has now started again. He has grown up in a household where regular excessive consumption of alcohol is a normal thing. When I say regular consumption I mean pretty much every day.
I love him very much, and for the sake of my daughter I want it to work. He refuses relationship counselling and I'm at my wits end.
I see a psych and she has labelled his upbringing as abusive parenting and advised I distance myself from his parents for my own well being (she has more information than I have given here but my fingers are just exhausted). She has advised me against leaving, for now.
I am so mad at myself that I let it get to this stage and now I feel trapped.
I'm sorry for any typos, it's late and my eyes are blurry.
I know in my heart I am not being unreasonable. My partner had a borderline breakdown at the thought of having to address these issues with his own mother. When I met him he was bulimic and had a major anxiety disorder. Red flags? Yes. Did I follow my gut? No.
And now here we are.