NCing parents. Email content?

[streamsofwords]

I'm one of the Mumsnet daughters of a narcissistic parent and I have decided that enough is enough.
For a bit of context, they are in their 80s, he ended "the relationship" (with me) last November because he "couldn't cope" with me (I had stood my ground over him berating-by-proxy my DD for having gained some weight).
We then had a "meeting" in March and he proceeded to make my mum's life a nightmare for a few months. She told me how she was suicidal. The vitriol has now refocused back to me because I wasn't dutiful enough following an elective surgery he has had, and he and my mother are presenting that united front again. I've had the phone put down on me twice in a week.
I have booked therapy (how fucking expensive are therapists?! Never done it before!) and now need to write The Email.
I'm thinking:

Dear Mum and Dad,
I cannot cope with the dynamics of our relationship and so will no longer respond to communications.
I wish you all the best,
Streamsofwords

Please advise, Mumsnetters who have done this

Sounds like a good to the point email. Narcissists will find a way to rip apart anything you say though, so prepare for the backlash and for them to show people and claim they are the victim.
I had a very abusive upbringing by a narcissist It took me an extremely long time to be completely free of them. I ended it with telling them to leave me alone and told them I would get a restraining order if I heard from them again. There is nothing narcissists dislike more than losing face or being shown up as bad, so for now at least they have actually left me alone.

Seems good to me. I sent a similar one. I set up a new email address first and transferred all important emails over to it. I then sent the email to my parents from the old account and then shut it down. I did the same with my phone number. Shortly moving house so they will then have absolutely no way of contacting me.

Fl0w3ry - thank you, and please, if you think of any other advice, add to your post!
Because they are in their 80s I am feeling cruel.
Can I ask if you have any children and, if so, how you dealt with their relationship with their grandparents? Mine are 16 and 13.

They are toxic and you deserve peace in your life. Cut them out (with therapy) and look forward to being free. For now send the mail, block all lines of communication to you and start therapy.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear - that process is so attractive to me. Unfortunately mine moved to be near me "so you can look after us" so know where I live and work. The claws are firmly in.
I am super happy for you, though x

Confused102 - thank you. "Peace" is exactly the right word. And "free".
I wish I'd found Mumsnet 10 years ago.

Seems fine to me. I wouldn’t worry about being cruel - you’re clearly not the cruel person in this dynamic. Quite frankly, as I get older, I realise that life is too short to put up with this kind of shit.

It sounds fine and to be honest, whatever you write won’t stop them from fighting against you taking control of the situation. Send it, block them and be prepared for the fallout as you pick your way through the minefield to peace - good luck!

I might be clearer in what you want, so say 'Please do not attempt to contact me any more - I won't be contacting you.'

Your message implies that you might read messages they send, but not reply. If you want them to leave you alone, then be explicit.

I hope they accept it - I had to do similar and was surprised at how quickly the messages stopped when they didn't get a response. I hope it's as quick and easy for you.

Hmmm, I wouldn't send anything at all. Narcs have a way of using it against you, showing all and sundry how cruel you'd been, and throwing it back in your face. Or even totally, deliberately, misconstruing it, even when it's a simple as you've written!

I'd just block and ignore.

Check out the stately homes thread on here

Read toxic parents by Susan forward

You will never be good enough. You will never be loved by them the way you deserve.

Your mother has made her bed.

Stop the rot affecting the next generation (your kids)

Block their phone numbers
Send their e mails to spam folder
If they start sending letters etc get a non molestation order

Be prepared for things to escalate

Thanks, all - please keep the advice coming. I'm going to be more explicit, Dysmal - I've copied and pasted your suggestion.

Narcs will focus on the “I cannot cope” bit and ignore the rest. You don’t have to email at all. As Dsymal said be explicit about no contact, then set up forwarding to put future emails from them straight to a folder/bin.

Be prepared for contact from their friends (flying monkeys) who tell you eg how upset your parents are or they only do what they do because they’re worried about you or how dare you be so mean to your parents. That sort of thing. Narcs trample boundaries.

OP

I wouldn't bother emailing either. I'd just stop responding to them. NC is just that! Block their numbers from your phone. If they have your email address block them if possible. If any other relative or their friends come calling asking why you are not contactable, just tell them you have chosen to stay out of their lives for the sake of your own health - no more to be said.

As regards your kids, if you don't have a relationship then neither should they. You don't need your parents to have any influence over your children. If your kids maintain contact your parents will use them to get to you. So explain to your children that you can no longer tolerate the abuse you have received over the years and that you, as a family, will no longer have contact with them. Your kids are old enough to understand.

@streamsofwords you are not the cruel one in this situation, they are. Narcissists don't care about the cruel damage they are doing to their target/scapegoat, but they are very good at pointing out how their target is cruel for standing up to them and use things like their age/health to make the point.
I have very young children. My children have never met my parents thankfully. Theyy escalated their abuse before my DC were born and so I made the decision to close the door on them then.
They have contacted me quite a lot since the children have been born and have used every narcissistic trick - blame-shifting, denial, emotional blackmail, trying to tell me them not having contact with my children they have never met was cruel on my children, they tried to buy me through gifts for my children, sent cards to my children with manipulative messages claiming they were wonderful, told me I had a vivid imagination, they gaslighted me, told me I had mental health issues, used health issues they had and blamed me for them, stalked me, used extended family as flying monkeys and inbetween all of that endless abusive messages. Don't let this put you off though, my parents are younger than yours so have more energy to put into their nasty behaviour! And like I said in the previous message, it finally stopped when I suddenly realised their weak point was how people viewed/judged them in the situation - and thats when I thought to say I would get a restraining order on them if they continued to contact me again. It has been blissful silence ever since!
You have to be strong, make the decision and stick to it. My family were relentless, but I kept the wall firmly up.

How do your DC feel about their grandparents? They maybe able to see your parents as the narcissists they are themselves.
Your parents being elderly doesn't change the fact they are narcissists. You shouldn't let their age cloud your judgement. You deserve to be free of their treatment of you. Have you got any siblings? How do they feel about your parents?

Sorry, my reply was a bit long!

I think you are doing the right thing. As well as what pps have said, please put a plan in place for how you will respond to them turning up (don't answer door? Say 'I've made my position clear'?), how you will respond if one of them gets ill or claims to be (I would recommend making your peace with not responding), and look after yourself, you have tried, you have done enough, you deserve happiness.

@streamsofwords - I would go with something more explicit and to the point like below:

Dear Mum and Dad,
I cannot cope with the dynamics of our relationship. Please do not attempt to contact me any more. I will not be contacting you any more. I will also no longer respond to any communications.
I wish you all the best,
Streamsofwords

My next bit of advice (as I feel it will be difficult at first to sever that bond between them and you) is for you to get yourself a new mobile phone and number and start issuing that to friends and colleagues that you want to stay in touch with. Put the other phone that your parents contact you on in a drawer (remember the PIN to access it) and only turn it on if you want to see if they have tried to contact you in any way over the next few months.
When you go NC, you can't get worked up about what they might say to friends/neighbours/relatives. It has to be water off a ducks back to you. What they say, doesn't matter any more. They are no longer a concern of yours.

Best of luck with it.

I'd not say 'I cannot cope' as it implies you are the problem by being inadequate.

Be more explicit - 'your behaviour as parents is aggressive/insulting/erratic or whatever........and I will no longer put up with it........etc

Related to your email, I wouldn't use the words I 'can't cope with the family dynamics' because you may find they will twist the words 'can't cope' around and use it as a sign of mental health issues or some other interpretation to fit their narrative of you.
So maybe something like 'I can no longer DEAL with the family's dynamics' or 'the family dynamics are very damaging and I no longer want to expose myself to it' etc.

Having sent a letter (was many years ago) I'd say there's no point in sending this. It will be twisted and used against you in whatever way they can which will then cause some flying monkeys to come and guilt trip you. Best to save your energy. It won't change anything.

Fl0w3ry - That is all so familiar. I am so happy you found the strength . I have drawn strength from the stately homes thread!
No siblings, which I think might make things easier for me.

I'm another tat thinks sending an email won't have the effect you think. It will give them something concrete with which to publicly beat you with, something those flying monkeys can be fed with.

I started by leaving it a few days before responding to calls, texts, emails etc. Then not bothering with some. And now only responding when DSis decides it's my turn - which usually means she has been caught off guard, via DNephew perhaps.

If you do send it change can not for will not

You are all so wonderful - thank you for the time you are giving to this.

I have got The Email down to this:

Dear Mum and Dad,

Please do not attempt to contact us any more. We won't be contacting you.

I wish you all the best,

Streamsofwords

This has taken out the "can't cope" (you're so right, ToastieSnowie and FL0w3ry - that would be used as evidence that my mental health is affected), all reasoning (once I start, where do I stop), and is more explicit than the first draft.

Be truthful with yourself OP. Are you hoping that they will contact you and apologise?

Totally understandable if you are