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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cousin not inviting us

29 replies

rhowton · 16/08/2021 13:08

I don't know if IBU or if I'm just emotional because it's the week before my period.

I have a cousin who is 5 years younger than me who gets invited to everything that we do. Eg- My children's christenings, birthdays, any Christmas Functions and also events held by my parents, along with my uncle and my cousins younger sister (also my cousin) too.

Yesterday, we found out she had a baby shower and invited our grandma and Aunty but not my mum and I. And tbh, I'm really annoyed and upset. I really want to message her and let her know how I feel (not in an aggressive way, just a "I'm so pleased you're having a baby, but was disappointed that we weren't invited" way).

My Uncle and two cousins are invited to my daughters christening next month, and I really want to uninvite them.

AIBU and she can do what she likes or is she BU and she should have invited us. And a bit extra, should I still invite them to the christening?

OP posts:

Hilda40 · 16/08/2021 13:13

If you believe in christenings then you believe in forgiveness.

AlexaShutUp · 16/08/2021 13:18

I understand that it's hurtful, but ultimately it's her choice as to who she invites. Maybe she had to limit numbers for some reason? It might not be a personal snub as such, but just a practicality.

It's really up to you whether you still want to invite her to the christening. If you do, then invite her because you want her there rather than because you expect any invitations to be reciprocated.

Anordinarymum · 16/08/2021 13:19

So put that in your pipe and smoke it OP :)

AlexaShutUp · 16/08/2021 13:20

Sorry, just realised that they're already invited. I don't think I would uninvite them tbh. That would be a bit petty. But you can decide whether or not you want to include them in any future invitations.

DDiva · 16/08/2021 13:20

A baby shower is not necessarily a large event. If it was held at home numbers maybe limited. I wouldn't assume a straight comparison to a Christening.

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2021 13:22

I think it’s ok to have a small baby shower and not invite you all. I don’t think it’s ok to uninvite people out of pettiness or text to make them feel bad like you need to be at everything.

PickleAF · 16/08/2021 13:22

Do you invite people to events because you want them there and to enjoy their company, or do you invite with the purpose of making sure you get every invite to their events? Is it worth being passive aggressive to a pregnant woman over a perceived slight that she probably has no clue has caused any issue? Just move on with your life, and enjoy your upcoming christening! (Un-inviting them is rather petty)

Oogachuckachopsy · 16/08/2021 13:24

In my experience:

Baby shower = small event with super close friends and maybe mum/sisters/SIL.

Christening/wedding etc = larger scale event, broader guest list.

I think you’d be extremely petty and juvenile to uninvite them from the christening.

Just let it go.

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2021 13:26

A lot of people hate the idea of baby showers so a small intimate one is the way for them, this is absolutely fine. It doesn’t need to be something everyone is invited to.

MaskingForIt · 16/08/2021 13:27

Gift-grabs and fake Christians, it’s the perfect Mumsnet thread! 😂

Ughmaybenot · 16/08/2021 13:28

@Oogachuckachopsy

In my experience:

Baby shower = small event with super close friends and maybe mum/sisters/SIL.

Christening/wedding etc = larger scale event, broader guest list.

I think you’d be extremely petty and juvenile to uninvite them from the christening.

Just let it go.

All of this. Baby showers I’ve attended have always been for very close friends or immediate family really.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/08/2021 13:31

Sorry but YABU.

It's up to her who she invites. And it's up to you if you don't invite her to every single family bash/function that you hold.

Baby showers tend to be smaller affairs (and tediously boring, but that's just my own opinion!).

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/08/2021 13:32

PS: Uninviting your Uncle to the Christening? What's he done? Really petty behaviour from you.

Original poster

rhowton · 16/08/2021 13:36

That's me told! I am annoyed but do understand it's up to her.

OP posts:

Myotherusernameisshy · 16/08/2021 13:47

Do you know who organised her baby shower? If it was a friend she might not have had your contact details.

Notaroadrunner · 16/08/2021 13:58

Unless she organised it or gave the organiser a list of who to ask, then there is no point being annoyed at her. People don't tend to organise their own baby shower. In any case there really isn't any need to have extended family at such events. Keep the christening to your own/Dh's family (parents siblings) and close friends.

Aprilx · 16/08/2021 13:59

To me a baby shower and a christening are not comparable. I wouldn’t even classify a baby shower as an event, more of an arrangement purely to hand presents over. As such she may have thought it quite cheeky to invite extended family to such a thing.

I am baffled as to why you would even consider I inviting an uncle because of this and even more so, how you would in practice go about doing that. The fact that you even think about it, shows me you are only inviting people for show and not because you actually want them to be there. Very shallow.

Wimowehwimowehwimowehwimoweh · 16/08/2021 14:04

invited our grandma and Aunty but not my mum and I

So the Aunty is a 3rd sibling to her mum & your mum? Or do you mean her mum (your Aunty)?

knittingaddict · 16/08/2021 14:11

Most baby showers are very small events held in the home with mostly friends are the immediate family (in my limited experience). No equivalence to a christening at all.

stayathomer · 16/08/2021 14:17

If you can uninvite as a tit for that thing ... I just find that very sad op. Life is honestly too short. I bawled on seeing relatives we hadn't seen in years at my wedding cos it was so good to see them!! Either you want them there or you don't and as above showers are generally organized by a friend of the bride who has limited access to contacts or just invites immediate family and friends. Plus in covid it makes it even more difficult

pinkcircustop · 16/08/2021 14:19

YABU and to uninvite them would be petty and nasty.

aiwblam · 16/08/2021 14:22

It’s not really acceptable to uninvite them, based on measuring yourself against absolute standards, not the standards of your cousin.

It would be acceptable not to invite them to future stuff if this snub causes you to believe that they value the relationship less than you do.

phoenixrosehere · 16/08/2021 14:59

Unless you two are close which doesn’t read like you are from the way you’ve written nor saying that you are, yabu.

Plus, as other posters pointed out, baby showers are not usually thrown by the one having the baby and aren’t the same as christenings.

You could be petty and uninvite them but you would be the one who would likely look bad if this got around and could find other family members taking sides including not coming to your baby’s christening.

Not worth causing unnecessary drama.

SuziLikeSuziQ · 16/08/2021 15:05

I have many cousins, some of whom are close to me in age by a month and some of whom are practically a different generation.

I am not friends with them all. I could go to a pub with all of them (bar a couple) but we don't go in for inviting everyone to everything. I have a couple of cousins I'm closer to and we get invited to each other's events. But you don't have to be friends with this woman just because she's your cousin.
You obviously feel some sense of obligation to invite her when she doesn't feel the same. It's no big deal. If you don't want to be her friend then don't invite her in the future.

Fernando072020 · 16/08/2021 15:48

Is the aunty a sibling of your mum? Then yanbu. That's pretty rude not to invite your mum at least ...

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