To think DH should be helping at least a couple morning per week?

[TiredTiredWithASprinkleOfTired]

DH’s work hours have changed during the 6 weeks holidays, meaning he’s now leaving for work a lot later in the morning, and leaving work much earlier in the afternoon than he usually would.

We have 3DC’s (4, 3 and almost 2) and the youngest has started waking around 5am to start their day, which I’m not going to lie, is exhausting. However, it’s being made worse by the fact I’m getting up with all the dc, while DH is staying in bed until 7:30/8 (sometimes later than that!), then heading off to work, only for him to leave work around 2:45/3, so his time at work is averaging about 5-6 hours at the moment.

Given he’s currently doing much shorter hours, am I being unreasonable to expect him to help out at least one or two mornings per week?

We have one DC and my husband takes her every morning for a couple of hours before work, takes her to nursery, etc. And he works full days. YANBU.

He should be offering to parent his children. A decent man wouldn't wait to be asked.

@Blippibloppi

So his job is 5-6 hours a day and yours is 24 hours a day?

Yes he should be doing his share.

At the moment it is, yes. His hours are only as they are because of the 6 weeks holidays. Any other time, he's up around 6:30/6:45 ready to leave the house at 7, then he'll be home either just before, or just after 5

I'm on maternity leave just now. DH gave the baby his porridge at 6.30 then got him dressed and took him out when he walked the dog. I got older ds ready for school.
DH starts work at 8am.

I don’t really get situations like this. Surely you’re a family, have chosen to have children and everyone just does what needs to be done as and when needed? Your DH needs to step up. You need to stop facilitating his disinterest in his family. That doesn’t mean it’s your fault or responsibility just that it’s way too easy for him to opt out.

Oh, he'll do some "light housework" will he?
Heaven forfend that he acts like a parent, a husband and a householder.
Unless you have household staff, he needs to to a share of childcare and housework. Not "help".

Unless he's working down a coalmine I'm not sure why he can't supervise the children and clean up when he gets in from work, or on a weekend.
I'd suggest that you stop the weekend lie ins, it's not working in your favour. Both get up with the children, whatever day of the week.

@Maireas

Oh, he'll do some "light housework" will he? Heaven forfend that he acts like a parent, a husband and a householder. Unless you have household staff, he needs to to a share of childcare and housework. Not "help".

That probably sounded worse than I meant it, with him aiming to work from home, I certainly wouldn't expect him to spend his days scrubbing the bathroom, doing 5 people's worth of laundry, mopping floors, hoovering the house from top to bottom all whilst he's supposed to be working.

If he's able to drop all DC's off to schools/nurseries, get home, Chuck a load of washing in and clear up breakfast stuff before starting his work day, then do a full day work and pick up the DC's again while I'm out at work, I'll be happy!

He sounds very selfish and lazy.

You sound very passive.

He is not doing his share.

Staying in bed on a sunday till 12-2pm is so selfish and just avoiding his family.

How you can be happily married to someone like that is beyond me.

You need to spell it out to him.

Write it down on paper in black and white and tell him how disappointed you are that he is being so deliberately selfish and that it is affecting how you feel about him.

Do not sugar coat it.

He is lazy and selfish and you are deluded if you think it will suddenly change when you go out to work.

You need to fix this NOW.

OP are you me?? My DH is the same except we only have one DC and I’m still on mat leave. Seeing him lie in bed until 5 to 9 then roll into the spare room to start work really winds me up as I’m usually up at 5-5:30 with the baby. 90% of housework falls on me too. Like you I get Saturdays to lie in but as I see it DH gets 6 lie ins a week and I get one, hardly fair.

Please tell me how you broach this with your DH and the outcome as right now I am incapable of calmly addressing this with DH so I’d love to know what you do.

It's a difficult one as he goes out to work and you are the sahp normally I would say you would be better placed to get the kids ready in the morning, I tend to on my days off as my dh has a long commute so simply isn't home to do so. As he has been working from home though he will get the kids ready but I do breakfast as his working day will have started then.

What I would be annoyed about is having to clean up after him on my lie in day. Why is he not capable of cleaning the few dishes after breakfast or checking them in a dishwasher, putting a load of washing on or maybe getting the kids ready for the day (appreciate might want him to avoid that as you might wake earlier than intended then)?

Once my dh is home or has finished for the day we are a team so tackle things together like dinner, tidying up, bath and bed time. Neither he not I get to opt out because we need some downtime. That is just the reality of having young kids and I can't understand why one partner would watch the other struggle whilst they relaxed instead of pitching in so you can relax together.

He is changing career plans so that is great, shows he is willing to adapt for your family but other than doing puck ups and drop offs I don't think he will do much more, your expectation of a light clean etc sounds widely off the mark because he could do that now but doesn't! You need to explain your feelings and agree to tackle it together before the resentment starts to build!

I did not suggest he should do that every day, OP.
I would think he could do those things you mention now while his hours are curtailed. Oh, and maybe instead of the Sunday lie in he could clean the bathroom and do a bit of hoovering?
I would imagine working from home you could manage to do the odd bit of tidying up.

He is not ‘helping out’ for god sake.
They’re his children presumably so if not in work, 50% of that time.. morning and night is HIS responsibility

Good luck when you start planning your return to work. Think your DH will likely try and persuade you not to. And why not as he has a housekeeper and child minder at home and he does zilch apart from roll out of bed and go to work ‘reduced’ hours too. He is a delight of a man who doesn’t care his wife is exhausted with three kids. Token lie in on a Saturday and you do everything. Does he do bath time, bed times, reading, anything at all? That’s parenting btw not helping you out.

Regarding DH and housework atm - he does admittedly do very little, he washes dishes after I've cooked dinner and will maybe do one load of laundry per week but that's generally it. I have to tell him to do things like hoovering, packing away DC's toys, clean the dining table. If and when I tell him to pitch in, he will do so happily, it's not done begrudgingly, but it's exhausting having to micromanage him.

With DH and the DC's - when DH is awake (bar the mornings before he leaves for work) he is a very hands on parent. I'd argue he plays with the DC's a hell of a lot more than I do. He reads to them, bathes them, will take them to the park of a weekend, snuggles with them while watching the DC's favourite shows, chases them around, play fights and wrestled with them etc. Apart from him not helping in the morning, I can't actually fault his parenting!

Getting up at 2PM on a Sunday is ridiculous.
Once you have kids you can't just lie in like a teenager.

mynameisbrian Completely agree! He is unlikely to do a complete U turn isnt he . Most likely would not want you at work ,or would expect you to pick up all chores still! He needs training and fast .The problem here is he has got into a pattern of being a lazy twat and needs hauling out of it.

Drop the word help and explain why.

He has more time to play with them and be the fun parent because he isn’t cooking dinner, laundry, cleaning etc. Has he ever thought about taking them for new shoes, does he put their clothes away in the right places etc?

@Parker231

He has more time to play with them and be the fun parent because he isn’t cooking dinner, laundry, cleaning etc. Has he ever thought about taking them for new shoes, does he put their clothes away in the right places etc?

Yes, I am aware he gets to play the fun parent role while I do all the stuff in the background. He does put their washing away if I haven't already done it by the time he's home from work, he also puts his own laundry away (rightly so!) and on occasion has been known to attempt to put clothes away for me too.

He will take dcs clothes shopping, however I generally order most of the DC's clothes and shoes online as I'm a little bit of a nightmare regarding what my DC's wear, so I prefer to pick and choose it myself!

@mynameisbrian

Good luck when you start planning your return to work. Think your DH will likely try and persuade you not to. And why not as he has a housekeeper and child minder at home and he does zilch apart from roll out of bed and go to work ‘reduced’ hours too. He is a delight of a man who doesn’t care his wife is exhausted with three kids. Token lie in on a Saturday and you do everything. Does he do bath time, bed times, reading, anything at all? That’s parenting btw not helping you out.

I know he isn't going to try and persuade me not to work. He fully supports me going back to work when the time comes. I didn't have a 'career' as such before having DC's, and DH knows I feel a little lost regarding what I want to do with my life, so he often talks to me about doing an Open University course, or some form of studying. Whenever I think I've decided on some sort of future path, he's always been very supportive.

He absolutely is not the sort to confine me to the house

Given what you've said, what makes you think he'll spontaneously start putting washing on and clearing up after breakfast when he starts this WFH job? He could be doing stuff like that now in addition to his part time working hours, but he isn't.

You shouldn't even have to ask.

Lazy git

If you don't want things to change, that's your choice, although it does sound as if you do. Any work at all involves your management of it, which must be frustrating.
It's probably wise to start now, while he has the extra time. It's not going to automatically start when you go back to work. Those Sunday lie ins need to end!
There's a balance between being doing the odd bit of tidying and scrubbing the bathroom/ 5 people's laundry/hoovering top to bottom every day.

I'd argue he plays with the DC's a hell of a lot more than I do.

Because you’re doing all the shit exhausting jobs.