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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU unreasonably insecure?

42 replies

choosekindness · 15/08/2021 21:40

NC as friend who I am talking about is on here.

So I have a friend who lives nearby who comes over my house a lot and spends time with myself and DH.

It has been hot recently and she has been coming over in very little and pretty exposing clothing (little sports shorts, crop tops etc). She is also stunning.

So often I will be cooking dinner in the kitchen in scruffy joggers / leggings and she will be on sofa with DP in the lounge in her little clothing... and I can tell he does look at her - to be honest it would be hard not to.

This is making me feel really shit even though neither of them have actually done anything wrong as such.

Am I being totally unreasonable? I'm not even sure what possibly I could do about this.

We are in our late 20s so not young.

OP posts:
isthisareverse · 15/08/2021 21:59

Offer her a glass of wine or something and you can chat together in the kitchen.

If you do feel insecure, it's human, but i am not sure choosing scruffy clothes that make you feel insecure is such a wise idea.

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 15/08/2021 22:05

The issue here is that you don’t trust your husband. You can’t police the women he comes into contact with throughout his life - when you aren’t together and can’t see - so you need to work on your relationship. If he’s giving you cause to feel he might not be faithful, that’s the thing you need to sort out with him. This particular woman’s clothing isn’t the problem here, but it’s a catalyst which has pointed up something you need to work on.

youaresunshine · 15/08/2021 22:09

I can feel like this sometimes. It's always to my detriment and I wish I could let it go. I need to learn that I can't control everything. It's hard. I feel for you, op. I hope you find some suitable solutions.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/08/2021 22:10

Unlike PP I think for most people if they were working or cooking and their partner was relaxing in another room and obviously looking at someone of the opposite sex who was very attractive and sitting with them...this would make most people feel uncomfortable if it was a regular occurrence. Do you honestly think your partner would be fine with him working while you were sitting on the sofa ogling Dan the builder's 6 pack?

vodkaredbullgirl · 15/08/2021 22:11
Hmm
Disneycharacter · 15/08/2021 22:12

I totally disagree that your DP is the one to tackle in the first instance. This woman is clearly flirting and trying to attract your DP. I agree your DP needs to be trustworthy but I also think the woman is a cheeky fucker, daring to come into your home and disrespect you and your partner. No, it's not all on the man, women also need to be responsible for their behaviour. Frankly I'd tell her not to come over You don't need to give a reason, she's a CF. If your DP objects and doesn't understand your feelings on this one, that is when he gets tackled.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2021 22:14

You are being unreasonable for thinking late 20's isn't young.

isthisareverse · 15/08/2021 22:23

This woman is clearly flirting and trying to attract your DP. I agree your DP needs to be trustworthy but I also think the woman is a cheeky fucker, daring to come into your home and disrespect you and your partner.

Confused

Do you have a problem with ALL women or just the pretty ones?

PollyPaintsFlowers · 15/08/2021 22:29

I totally disagree that your DP is the one to tackle in the first instance. This woman is clearly flirting and trying to attract your DP. I agree your DP needs to be trustworthy but I also think the woman is a cheeky fucker, daring to come into your home and disrespect you and your partner. No, it's not all on the man, women also need to be responsible for their behaviour. Frankly I'd tell her not to come over You don't need to give a reason, she's a CF. If your DP objects and doesn't understand your feelings on this one, that is when he gets tackled.

What??? It's hot and the friend is dressing according to the weather. This is an OP and possibly a DP problem.

HollowTalk · 15/08/2021 22:33

I disagree.

I think that if she is coming in to your house then she should be dressed in an appropriate way. It would be different if you were going to her house.

User112 · 15/08/2021 22:38

She perhaps enjoys the attention?

I’d slowly reduce contact for the sake of everyone involved. However, if there is a mutual attraction and if your husband is the type to start an affair, they’ll find a way.
At least, it won’t be right under your nose, IN your home!

EL8888 · 15/08/2021 22:39

She dresses how she likes and you dress how you like. I’m intrigued about how you might tell her to dress differently. If you’re feeling jealous and paranoid then it’s something for you to deal with

isthisareverse · 15/08/2021 22:42

@HollowTalk

I disagree.

I think that if she is coming in to your house then she should be dressed in an appropriate way. It would be different if you were going to her house.

Are short inappropriate on a hot summer day though?
MissJeanBrodiesprime · 15/08/2021 22:44

I have married friends where they just don’t put themselves in this situation, so neither would be in a room or anywhere alone with someone of the opposite sex. Obv. where it’s practical - e.g. if the wife is home while the boiler is repaired by a male then this is unavoidable and understandable - but in a social situation they’re never alone. Because they respect each other. No grey area, no doubt. Seems like a good idea to me.

HerMammy · 15/08/2021 22:47

@MissJeanBrodiesprime
Is their name Pence? 🙄

WhatAShilohPitt · 15/08/2021 22:49

YANBU for feeling a bit insecure that he might be noticing how nice she looks given that you have also noticed. The main thing is that he’s turning a bit of a blind eye to it because he only has eyes for you.

Does she dress like this wherever she is, or notably when she comes to visit you and knows he’s there? Because if this is just her general preference for dressing and there’s no flirting going on then nobody is doing anything wrong. She’s dressing in a way that suits her and he’s just sitting on his sofa with a visitor.

If she’s dressing up to see him, then I’d have a problem.

EmoIsntDead · 15/08/2021 22:52

We are in our late 20s so not young

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

rottd · 15/08/2021 23:02

Does she dress like this normally? I personally don't think most women in their late 20s favour crop tops & little shorts regardless of how hot it is.
You are not unreasonable to feel uncomfortable & insecure, most people would

isthisareverse · 15/08/2021 23:05

neither would be in a room or anywhere alone with someone of the opposite sex.

I could understand not sharing a bed, but being in the same ROOM?!? Seriously? Confused
This is bonkers. It must be such a claustrophobic relationship.

it's quite creepy if you think about it.

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 15/08/2021 23:22

@MissJeanBrodiesprime

I have married friends where they just don’t put themselves in this situation, so neither would be in a room or anywhere alone with someone of the opposite sex. Obv. where it’s practical - e.g. if the wife is home while the boiler is repaired by a male then this is unavoidable and understandable - but in a social situation they’re never alone. Because they respect each other. No grey area, no doubt. Seems like a good idea to me.
This doesn’t equal respect to me. It sounds like control and a lack of trust, which is highly disrespectful. Do neither of them encounter people of the other sex during work hours? We’ve been together over 20 years, have different social circles, both go away for work, and I’ve never once thought to doubt my husband’s fidelity because he’s never given me reason to and our relationship is based on mutual respect and trust, and the knowledge for both of us that infidelity on either side would be the end of our lovely partnership. So I don’t always need him in my sight.
Cantfindausernamethatsnottaken · 15/08/2021 23:35

If shes your friend surely she should be chatting to you when you are working in the kitchen,not sitting with your husband.Make it clear in a jokey way that its not on.Sounds like she is very disrespectful.

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 16/08/2021 00:14

This reply has been deleted

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Mistyplanet · 16/08/2021 06:34

I agree its disrespectful and i wouldn't be inviting her. She knows what shes doing.

Mistyplanet · 16/08/2021 06:40

There are sometimes when people dress inappropriately though. Its just people have different standards. Im sure we'd all agree that if the friend was sitting in her underwear it would be inappropriate but for me if the clothes are skin tight and show alot of flesh it is akin to wearing underwear. Its going to be attractive to most men and she knows that so how can she sit in front of someones husband like that? Its up to her if she wants to dress like that outside but when you go into someones home there should be a level of decency and she should cover up more imo.

Fdksyihfd · 16/08/2021 06:42

Not young in late twenties? That’s depressing.
Some odd responses here; firstly she’s dressing for the weather, hardly turning up dressed up for a night out and secondly not weird for her to be in the room with your DO although if I was cooking dinner and my friend and DH were in the lounge I’d be asking if they wanted to keep me company while I cook as I’m not a restaurant.
Have you actually asked your DP what he thinks? You might be reassured by his response and also why do you say you know he looks at her? I wouldn’t expect him to be looking at her beyond what is normal; if an attractive friend of DHs came over without his shirt on then I wouldn’t be sat looking at his chest all night