Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU unreasonably insecure?

42 replies

choosekindness · 15/08/2021 21:40

NC as friend who I am talking about is on here.

So I have a friend who lives nearby who comes over my house a lot and spends time with myself and DH.

It has been hot recently and she has been coming over in very little and pretty exposing clothing (little sports shorts, crop tops etc). She is also stunning.

So often I will be cooking dinner in the kitchen in scruffy joggers / leggings and she will be on sofa with DP in the lounge in her little clothing... and I can tell he does look at her - to be honest it would be hard not to.

This is making me feel really shit even though neither of them have actually done anything wrong as such.

Am I being totally unreasonable? I'm not even sure what possibly I could do about this.

We are in our late 20s so not young.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 16/08/2021 06:51

Why isn't your husband peeling the onions etc and otherwise helping you, instead of lounging on the sofa and ogling your good for nothing 'friend'?

isthisareverse · 16/08/2021 09:23

I would love to see this thread moved to the "feminist' corner. The attitude towards a woman who happens to be stunning and wearing summer clothes is something else. No such thing as the "sisterhood" when someone else is attractive 😂

(and I do believe that the "sisterhood" is a lot of bollocks, but still)

TooMuchPaper · 16/08/2021 09:26

Join them on the sofa?

MintMatchmaker · 16/08/2021 09:27

I can’t believe some of the comments on this thread.

What has the woman done wrong? She’s beautiful and dressed for summer. Doesn’t mean she is attracted to the OP’s husband and wants to seduce him!

UserStillatLarge · 16/08/2021 09:36

Look at it this way. What can you actually do?

  1. Ask your friend to wear baggy clothes when she comes to your house? (
  2. Ask your husband not to look at your friend (difficult if he's just looking at her to have a conversation; if he's actively ogling her by all means point this out and ask him to stop).
  3. Make sure she is never alone with DH (might be possible )

Unless you have any reason to assume either of them would cheat, then you are being insecure.

isthisareverse · 16/08/2021 09:42

You could also
wear clothes that make YOU feel good about yourself

bring your friend to the kitchen with you

or not have any female in the house under the age of 85?

vivainsomnia · 16/08/2021 09:44

It really comes down to how much she seeks your company and conversation and how much she cares more about being alone talking to your OH.

As for your OH, well, it's ok to appreciate a nice body, and make pleasant conversation too. If he starts asking you if you invited her again, or he changes his plans every time so that he is here when she plans to come etc.... than you know that there could be some issues to come.

Looubylou · 16/08/2021 09:47

YANBU, I wore microshorts and cropped tops in the gym and classes, most days, in my 20's - I wouldn't of dreamt of going round to someone's house, and sitting around on their furniture like that. It's disrespectful in someone else's house. Regardless of whether their partner is there.

girlmom21 · 16/08/2021 09:52

Stop spending so much time in the kitchen and spend more time interacting with them?

isthisareverse · 16/08/2021 09:52

sitting around on their furniture like that.
OMFG 😂😂😂

Choccyaddict4eva · 16/08/2021 09:52

I’m almost 37 and I wear crop tops and shorts, all of my friends do. We feel good about ourselves so why not? You can’t exactly tell your friend how to dress. Unless she is blatantly flirting with your husband there’s nothing untoward going here. Why do you have to always be in the kitchen anyway? Pour some wine for you and your friend and send your husband off in there. Also you’re young- stop wearing scruffy clothing that makes you feel bad about yourself. We all have days where we can’t be bothered with our appearance, but it sounds like you have some insecurities, so be kind to yourself- and if that also means spending a bit more on your hair, make up etc to assist in building your self esteem, then do it.

MondieBee · 16/08/2021 10:05

People on mumsnet love to pretend that there is never a possibility that another woman could get a kick out of being attractive to a man who is already in a relationship. Of course some women do this. It's fucking obvious. I've seen it lots of times because my DH often works with younger, invariably beautiful women for his work (entertainment/music industry), which is from a separate part of our home so I often meet them. Sounds really dodgy but think like photography studio/music studio/PR office in garden type thing! Most of the women are beautiful and very lovely and don't give any weird vibe, but the odd one acts flirtatiously and in an obvious way as though she can't imagine my DH will find her anything other than a huge temptation compared to his older (his age) wife. On MN, noticing that would mean I have either a DH problem or a problem with beautiful women, but I know given the context that isn't true for me.

All you can do OP is accept that you can't change her behaviour and while it makes you uncomfortable, she hasn't done anything wrong. The main thing is to trust that it doesn't matter how hot someone is, your partner is loyal to you and it's correct that if he one day isn't, you do have a DH problem. It can be frustrating if another women is obviously trying to attract your partner - where's the sisterhood there, unless it's the MN sisterhood where you're meant to be cool with other women no matter how they behave. Oddly on MN a man viewing porn or visiting a lap dancing club is a divorceable offence the same as cheating but not liking other women flirting with your husband is a YOU problem.

I'd try and be less scruffy just for your own sanity (don't dress up or wear make up if you wouldn't, just don't wear leggings and an oversize t-shirt either) and maybe see what you can do to avoid being elsewhere cooking. That feeling of being the frumpy wife doing domestic chores won't help you, so ease off being scruffy and cooking for them Grin

Now I am more secure and older, I can feel slightly sorry for those particular women. If your self worth is very tied up in your beauty and ability to attract men, it must be hard as you get older. I've never been beautiful so have less to lose Grin

FinallyHere · 16/08/2021 10:40

I'd be sending DH in to do the cooking while I enjoyed chatting with my friend.

notsorighteousthesedays · 16/08/2021 11:01

Maybe she feels relaxed with your husband because she believes in you both as a couple and that you are both her friends. I would have been horrified (back in the day) to have realised that my friend thought I was making a play for her husband!! Bleurgh!!

ilovesooty · 16/08/2021 11:04

@MissJeanBrodiesprime

I have married friends where they just don’t put themselves in this situation, so neither would be in a room or anywhere alone with someone of the opposite sex. Obv. where it’s practical - e.g. if the wife is home while the boiler is repaired by a male then this is unavoidable and understandable - but in a social situation they’re never alone. Because they respect each other. No grey area, no doubt. Seems like a good idea to me.
How peculiar.
altiara · 16/08/2021 11:12

She’s your friend so makes more sense that you entertain her while DH does the cooking

queenMab99 · 16/08/2021 11:16

I would discourage her from coming over when you are busy, much better to come when you are free to talk to her as well. Why are you always the one in the kitchen? If she texted before coming over you could get him to do the cooking, and you could be dressed for socialising.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread