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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I can still be Godmother unofficially

35 replies

54321nought · 15/08/2021 21:11

Well, friend J asked me and friend L to be Godmother to her daughter S, and I was delighted.

However, that was precovid, and the Christening has been delayed, and in the mean time Js sister now lives back in the UK, and wants to be Godmother herself.

The vicar is saying only 2 Godmothers.

I don't think I need to be one of the people who stand up in Church during the service to make promise formally.

I am intending to offer to stand down, and make a more private promise, just between me and God and J and S

I think that will still make me a Godmother, and avoid a family rift.

Has anyone else ever done anything privately to take on a Godparent role, rather than make the official promise publicly in church?

Any ideas how to make it nice, but not a big deal?

OP posts:
dreamersdown · 15/08/2021 21:16

You sound lovely and I am sure that your friend will be really grateful for your graciousness. A friend that wasn’t religious had a naming ceremony for her child and had “guide parents”, godparent like figures who took a non religious role. Might this be something you could suggest?

FindMeInTheSunshine · 15/08/2021 21:16

Is this C of E? There's no official maximum, so that sounds odd of the vicar. You could point him at the C of E web site!

bookh · 15/08/2021 21:19

There is no maximum as pp said. Sister is Aunty and entitled at that. Chat to your friend and you are being very kind, she clearly chose you for a reason.

Icecreamsoda99 · 15/08/2021 21:20

You sounds so lovely OP, taking it seriously but not wanting to step on toes. There shouldn't be a limit of Godmothers in C of E or Roman Catholic (though sometimes only space on certificates for two) if your friend is okay with it could you write or speak to the vicar? Is your friend a regular church goer? I ask as I wonder if the vicar is reluctant if they think it's not being taken seriously and therefore digging their heels in about traditional numbers.

MacavityTheDentistsCat · 15/08/2021 21:21

Does J actually want her sister as godmother instead of you? Your post suggests that it's the sister's wish rather than J's!

Original poster
54321nought · 15/08/2021 21:22

its interesting that there isn't actually a limit! I thought there was, maybe a word with the vicar is worth a try

OP posts:
Original poster
54321nought · 15/08/2021 21:24

@MacavityTheDentistsCat

Does J actually want her sister as godmother instead of you? Your post suggests that it's the sister's wish rather than J's!
J is Godmother to her sister's children, and I think sister has automatically assumed she'd be wanted for S, and J is anxious about causing a rift by saying no.

yes, both are church goers, although of course no one has been regularly attending church in recent times

OP posts:
Icecreamsoda99 · 15/08/2021 21:34

yes, both are church goers, although of course no one has been regularly attending church in recent times

Defo speak with the vicar of your friend is okay with it though I wonder if she might have got the wrong end of the stick. When we had my DD christened in RC church we were told we could have as many GP as we want BUT only two could go on the certificate due to space, (and one of them had to be a catholic but that's obvious and RC requirement) so only two "official" I suppose but didn't mean we couldn't have others make promises in the service.

Original poster
54321nought · 15/08/2021 21:42

ok, maybe thats what I will ask, thank you

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 16/08/2021 08:44

Well, not really. I mean it’s a nice thought but if two people are standing up as godmothers at the christening then they’re the baby’s godmothers.

honeylulu · 16/08/2021 09:10

It won't be official but godparent has no legal status outside the church anyway. I can't see any reason why you can't be an "unofficial godparent". My daughter's godmother is also unofficial godmother to another little girl (no baptism as parents were not believers) as well as two others "officially" and she takes her role just as seriously as her official godchildren.

I've also known some parents have a secular naming ceremony if they didn't want a religious one and those have "sponsors" rather than godparents but essentially it's a similar role: that you are expected to remain in the child's life and support them morally/spiritually, in a way that is meaningful to that individual.

My sister's godmother was a bit rubbish and sister sort of adopted my godmother (much better at the role) and we used to refer to her as a "fairy godmother"!

Vicar is a meanie to stick to the traditional 2 godmothers. The C of E allow an unlimited number!

Sssloou · 16/08/2021 09:16

What about friend “L” ?

Why have you decided it’s you who has to step back?

Why is J worrying / anxious about her sister your concern? Has J been bothering you about it and hinting you step down?

Hardploc · 16/08/2021 09:21

There’s no limit so I’m not sure why the priest is insisting on 2

MindyStClaire · 16/08/2021 09:22

I think you sound lovely. I would just say to your friend "I can step down if you would like, I won't be in the slightest bit offended, and of course it won't make any difference to how I treat X, I'll always be there for her".

StarDrawers · 16/08/2021 09:26

@MindyStClaire

I think you sound lovely. I would just say to your friend "I can step down if you would like, I won't be in the slightest bit offended, and of course it won't make any difference to how I treat X, I'll always be there for her".
This sounds perfect. And you can still buy her a nice bible on the day.
Original poster
54321nought · 16/08/2021 09:29

no one has suggested to me that I step down, it just seems like a peaceful solution , and I feel that having agreed to be Godmother, I already have taken on that commitment , all be it privately rather than publicly.

I am not going to raise the topic with L. That seems like it would be pressurising her to consider standing down.

I will either offer to stand down myself, and take up the role unofficially, or try and persuade the vicar to change his mind!

There is also a Godfather, the vicar has said that the limit is 3, 2 of one sex and 1 of the other.

Is this not standard?

OP posts:
Habber · 16/08/2021 09:32

My Dsis didn’t ask me to be Godmother I was internally sad about it but I know I am Aunty. I wouldn’t have said anything to my sister though and let her pick who she wanted

MatildaTheCat · 16/08/2021 09:34

Don’t the royals have multiple god parents? Might be worth mentioning since the Queen is head of Cof E!

You sound lovely and if it isn’t possible for you to have the official title I’m sure your friend will bite your hand off at your generous offer.

godmum56 · 16/08/2021 09:41

@54321nought

no one has suggested to me that I step down, it just seems like a peaceful solution , and I feel that having agreed to be Godmother, I already have taken on that commitment , all be it privately rather than publicly.

I am not going to raise the topic with L. That seems like it would be pressurising her to consider standing down.

I will either offer to stand down myself, and take up the role unofficially, or try and persuade the vicar to change his mind!

There is also a Godfather, the vicar has said that the limit is 3, 2 of one sex and 1 of the other.

Is this not standard?

no it absolutely is not...if its ok for the Queen and all that www.townandcountrymag.com/society/tradition/a22064625/queen-elizabeth-godchildren/

This won't be applicable to your case but I inherited my godchild. My late husband was the godfather and we are very close to the family but not related. When DH died, godchild was already adult but DH had kept up the GP/GC relationship so I inherited them.

orangejumpsuit · 16/08/2021 09:43

Maybe your friend has changed her mind about wanting you to be godmother, and now wants her sister instead ( could be family pressure or something, who knows).
With that in mind I wouldn't push it or press it, and certainly do not contact the vicar!
Just graciously step back

Applesandpears23 · 16/08/2021 09:45

I had three god parents as a child and 2 of them were my aunt and uncle. I always felt short changed compared to my siblings who each had 3 non family god parents. I think it lovely that you will do this unofficially if you can’t officially.

notanothertakeaway · 16/08/2021 09:46

I think you sound lovely and thoughtful

AIBU would be a dull place if everyone was like you. Don't you know you're supposed to stamp your feet and make a fuss, to keep us all entertained?

newnortherner111 · 16/08/2021 09:50

I hope regardless you can attend the baptism. My godmother (and until his death my godfather) is still a part of my life and I am in my fifties, and I hope you are able to be a part of your friend's life for as long if not longer.

Babdoc · 16/08/2021 09:51

It’s much easier in the C of S. The entire congregation stands and vows to support the child in its development of faith.
Having specific people to stand beside the parents as they make their own vows to raise the child in a Christian household is pretty much optional, and they play no active part in the ceremony.

borntobequiet · 16/08/2021 10:00

My two brothers are godfathers to my two children. My younger brother is godfather to my older child and my older brother to my younger. In fact now the children are older, due to circumstance they are each closer to the other’s godfather than to their own. What matters is that there are adults other than birth parents to help young people grow up in a loving, friendly and supportive way, whether the relationship is formally recognised or not.