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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I can still be Godmother unofficially

35 replies

54321nought · 15/08/2021 21:11

Well, friend J asked me and friend L to be Godmother to her daughter S, and I was delighted.

However, that was precovid, and the Christening has been delayed, and in the mean time Js sister now lives back in the UK, and wants to be Godmother herself.

The vicar is saying only 2 Godmothers.

I don't think I need to be one of the people who stand up in Church during the service to make promise formally.

I am intending to offer to stand down, and make a more private promise, just between me and God and J and S

I think that will still make me a Godmother, and avoid a family rift.

Has anyone else ever done anything privately to take on a Godparent role, rather than make the official promise publicly in church?

Any ideas how to make it nice, but not a big deal?

OP posts:

1stWorldProblems · 16/08/2021 10:05

Both our children have 4 (2 men & 2 women) and neither CofE vicar had a problem with it. (DD1 originally asked GDF turned out not to be christened so we were worried that he wouldn't be allowed but our vicar said that he was just glad to see children being christened & godparents being happy to take the role so he was allowed to be one. DD2 got 4 because otherwise it wouldn't be fair.

Personally I don't understand asking siblings to be godparents as they already have a relationship to the child. I value my godparents & my children's because they provide a close friendship with friends of the parents that you wouldn't otherwise necessarily have. Historically they'd have lived a slight distance from your family, in case most of your close family /village got wiped out by a plague.

Tuliptulip · 16/08/2021 10:12

My DC all have five godparents - it is completely fine. As a PP said all the Cambridge children have five or more.

lanthanum · 16/08/2021 11:36

It's "at least 3", assuming Church of England. The vicar might want to read www.churchofengland.org/life-events/christenings/christening-faqs#na

You can't be an official godparent if not present at the service to make the promises, but all that means is that your name is not on the official record of the christening. There's nothing to stop you doing everything else a godparent might (and of course you can make the same promises as in the service - they just won't be witessed by that congregation).

BumbleMug · 16/08/2021 11:49

@54321nought

no one has suggested to me that I step down, it just seems like a peaceful solution , and I feel that having agreed to be Godmother, I already have taken on that commitment , all be it privately rather than publicly.

I am not going to raise the topic with L. That seems like it would be pressurising her to consider standing down.

I will either offer to stand down myself, and take up the role unofficially, or try and persuade the vicar to change his mind!

There is also a Godfather, the vicar has said that the limit is 3, 2 of one sex and 1 of the other.

Is this not standard?

No not standard. DD has 4 - 2 of each.

Original poster

54321nought · 18/08/2021 18:53

well, the Vicar didn't want more than 3, so this is what's happening. The sister is officially taking my place, but I am still going to consider myself Godmother, and I will be the person carrying S up to be Christened, so I will be in the thick of it, in all the photos.

J is very relieved I have offered to give my place to her sister

So we are all set for a nice day on Sunday

OP posts:

LittleGwyneth · 18/08/2021 19:07

Thats bonkers given that it's traditional to have three - two of the same sex as the child and one of the opposite.

godmum56 · 18/08/2021 21:14

@54321nought

J is very relieved I have offered to give my place to her sister

So we are all set for a nice day on Sunday

that's lovely :) but what a mean miserable vicar

CabbagesGreen · 18/08/2021 21:17

@54321nought

J is very relieved I have offered to give my place to her sister

So we are all set for a nice day on Sunday

Ah that's a lovely way around it and you can still take him to church and talk to him about God.

MsSquiz · 18/08/2021 21:23

It is traditional to have 2 godmothers, 1 godfather for a girl and vice versa for a boy, but there is no limit.

It is more usual these days to have 2 couples as godparents.

Godparents also have no legal standing so, other than "guidance on the eyes of the church" they're kind of irrelevant. You can be there for the child throughout their life, however you wish, godparent or not.

I do find it odd that you have "stood down" but will still be in "all photos" like a godparent and carrying the child up to the font.
It's not actually up to the vicar to limit godparents!

To think I can still be Godmother unofficially

MauveMavis · 18/08/2021 21:27

I don't think standing up in church influences your role in a child's life. It is your actions that do that.

I'm a "not a godparent" to one child (I'm not religious)and have a similar role in the life of other children who also have official godparents. In several cases they see more of me and do more with me than with the official people.

It is unbelievably gratifying to discover in their teenage years that I did something right as even though they now have much more choice over how they spend their time a day out with "auntie" mavis is still something worth doing.

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