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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Empty Nest Syndrome

51 replies

Pollilop808 · 15/08/2021 21:09

I’m a FTM, DS is 10 weeks old. I’ve found myself crying numerous times about the fact that he will one day leave home and possibly live hundreds of miles away and that I’m probably going to miss him terribly. Am I being ridiculous? I think it was made worse by this article I found when discussing empty nest syndrome with a friend that has adult DC: www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/oct/25/how-to-cope-empty-nest-syndrome-children-move-out-gordon-ramsay

To those that know, how did you find it when yours left home? Is it as heartbreaking as I think it will be or is this a FTM/hormones thing?

OP posts:
Bookaholic73 · 15/08/2021 21:13

I am about to go through this, as my kids are 17 and 21.
Honestly, I am so excited Grin
Look at the positives:
-Lie ins
-Random sex anywhere in the house and at whatever time of day
-Your day not being set by school run hours
-Reduction in cost of bills and food
-FREEDOM!!!

Kite22 · 15/08/2021 21:14

Well clearly at best you are hormonal, but potentially need to talk to your HV about your feelings, because, that really isn't normal.
I opened the thread, assuming that it was going to be written by someone whose only child was about to move away to University or for work.
I'm not going to say YABU, because if you are actually feeling like that, then that is how you are feeling, but I gently suggest you get yourself some support.

Iamstuckhere · 15/08/2021 21:18

Hello, I remember feeling exactly like this when DD1 was new born. Hormonal, exhausted, overwhelmed with love and responsibility.
It will ease I promise.
Mine are primary age now and honestly so much fun, more than the baby stage.
When they want more snuggles at bed time I try and oblige, knowing it’s not long before they won’t want them. Or are gone.
But try and enjoy each stage and not think too far ahead. It’ll calm down and feel less intense I promise.

DoingItMyself · 15/08/2021 21:20

He might live next door but one and still refuse to see you. Your love for him isn't conditional on what you'll get back, it's a gift freely given. Maintain some life of your own in case he isn't interested when he's older. It will make him free and strong, which is what you want.

The day my dd was born, almost forty years ago, I held her in my arms and said woefully, 'You're going to grow up and go away from me!' So, OP, you're not alone, or abnormal. We're just thinking ahead. Dd isn't absent from my life, by the way.

FlowerGardens · 15/08/2021 21:21

I was going to say hormones as I remember thinking the same when mine were tiny. Then I read the article you linked and cried my eyes out. 😭😭

PinniGig · 15/08/2021 21:21

My 23yr old daughter is moving out into a flat with her boyfriend of four years. It's over an hour's drive away and although chuffed she's finding and enjoying new found independence I'm gonna miss her more than she realises and dreading helping her to move in.

Not gonna lie, as shitty as it is to admit I'm even half hoping things don't work out because she was supposed to be overseas and teaching / working two years ago. She still has that planned but it irks me her plans were set back and put off for a boyfriend I like and is a good lad but there's an underlying sense of him holding her back if you will.

The door is always open and her room will be left exactly as it is so she knows whatever happens and in any scenario, she can come straight back home. I keep thinking of it as her just going for an extended holiday to avoid it bumming me out completely.

I used to imagine we'd be all “Wahoooooooooo!!!” when the time came and the kids were grown up so we could have the freedom to up-sticks and go wherever we wanted, whenever we wanted and now it's here, I'm definitely feeling sad, bad for the thoughts I shouldn't have but at the same time hopeful her next move is boarding a flight and being where she's dreamed since 9yrs of age.

I get that it bothers you to think of kids leaving home but it's a long while yet and you have an awful lot of time yet to enjoy them being at home before that worry starts to consume you too much.

Hankunamatata · 15/08/2021 21:22

That's why teens are usually awful. To help with separation

FlowerGardens · 15/08/2021 21:25

I expect it will be even harder for me in a way because I'm a single mother. I can't imagine how quiet the house will feel when it's just me here.

OnlyToWin · 15/08/2021 21:25

Babies are perfection so I totally understand how the thought of them leaving one day makes you feel so sad at this stage. They depend on you and you can’t imagine being apart.

During the teenage years the parting of ways is still a sad prospect but feels a much more natural uncoupling for both of you and it’s positive that you have prepared them well enough for life that they want to spread their wings.

Congratulations on your lovely new baby OP.

Dementedswan · 15/08/2021 21:27

It's your job to nature and guide them to make good choices. At the end of the day they are individuals and will make their own life path. Consider it a job well done. Be there all the time,listen, sympathise but don't sugar coat stuff and your children will always see their parent as a safe sounding board no matter how old they are.

OneLitreOfWater · 15/08/2021 21:33

Aww bless. When they are so tiny and you are feeling so protective it's hard to imagine what they're like when they're older. Ds1 will be off to uni next year and we will miss him so much but there will be many positives. He's my baby still, but he's not my baby, my baby didn't argue back for one! Don't fear the future, enjoy the now.

Wilkolampshade · 15/08/2021 21:43

Crikey, I was just so overwhelmed coping with the here and now when they were tiny, never even crossed my mind.
Don't worry OP, they'll be causing you anguish and joy in equal measure long after they leave home.

54321nought · 15/08/2021 21:47

I am currently sitting alone in an empty house.

Really its fine

I didn't know if I would cope, but its a year since the youngest started uni, and I'm absolutely fine.

they are still at home a lot in the holidays, but that is trailing off too.

I hate saying goodbye and seeing them leave after a visit, but have regained my happy single equilibrium an hour or so later

LittleRedPill · 15/08/2021 21:49

Bless you. I think you need to mention this to your HV because feeling so sad/crying about this is not usual at this stage. It’s at least 18 years away! I thought this was going to be a thread from someone who was struggling with their last child off to university!

My children are older primary/younger secondary and them leaving home is not something I think about much really. If I do think about it, I hope I’m a good enough parent to raise children who are confident to strike out on their own and do something fulfilling and interesting.

GrandDuchessRomanov · 15/08/2021 21:49

Exact opposite to you OP.

My DS is now 16 and is severely disabled with SEN and requires 24 hr care. He will never leave home other than to go into care when DH & I are no longer physically or mentally able to cope with him.

A thought that occupies my mind every. single. day.

I would sell my soul for him to be able to live an independent "normal" live and fly our very loving nest.

Maybe try thinking along those lines as it could just put everything in to perspective and realise how very, very lucky you are.

AuntieJoyce · 15/08/2021 21:54

This is why mother nature created the menopause. My DM oversaw the departure of my DB and me only to complete the hat trick by memorably kicking out DF all within 6 weeks Grin

BestZebbie · 15/08/2021 22:07

Your reaction would be completely reasonable if it was actually your tiny newborn who would be going so far away from you for so long…..as you haven’t yet had any of the other stages of their development it is therefore understandable that it gets you like that.
But honestly, they’ll be massive and perfectly capable of surviving and also coming back sometimes by the time any of you are ready to actually let them leave.
Just remember that having a baby is really supposed to be more like a raise and release programme for endangered animals bred in captivity than it is like getting a pet. :-)

lannistunut · 15/08/2021 22:16

Flowers honestly it'll be OK. They are so annoying as teens you will cope Grin

But do try to really enjoy this period where they are tiny.

beigebrownblue · 15/08/2021 22:38

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Kite22 · 15/08/2021 22:58

That's why teens are usually awful. To help with separation

Grin
junebirthdaygirl · 16/08/2021 00:19

My ds is heading abroad in September. I will miss him but he is so excited and ready for this adventure that l am excited for him too. He has been working from home for 18 months and l am glad he gets to do something different. My other 2 already left home. By the time it arrives you get caught up in their plans and want to see them have fun, try new things, meet new people and while a bit painful is still fine. I am busy doing my own things and it's so easy to keep in touch.
Saying that when my first was 10 weeks old l cried a lot as the war in Kuwait was on and l felt bereft l had brought a baby into a world that was about to go into a third world war!! Your overpowering protection instinct are in full swing so it's normal enough to be overcome with emotion.

VinceBitMe · 16/08/2021 00:28

He’s a few weeks old. You’ve got a long time to go before you have to worry about ENS. Trust me.
My almost 20 year old left home for uni in April and it hit me like a tonne of bricks. I grieved him. For a week. I couldn’t eat, kept crying, felt lost.
Please don’t waste time worrying when the thing you’re worrying about is potentially decades away. Enjoy him now, time goes by too fast.

OhGiveUp · 16/08/2021 00:30

I'm sorry to hear your feeling like this op, but take comfort in knowing it won't be happening for many years yet.
For now, dry your eyes, pull up your womanly pants and be content with being a great mum to your baby.
To be fair, when mine left home we literally threw a party. We waved them off, ordered a takeaway, cracked open the booze and put our feet up with a decent film.

Donotgogentle · 16/08/2021 00:33

I remember feeling something like this when DS1 (now a teenager) was a baby. The connection is so intense and protective the thought of your baby leaving can be overwhelming.

It is the job of parenting though, to bring them up to let them go. The alternative is worse.

I don’t feel like that now, I feel a sense of pride in DS’s developing independence.

Reflections2021 · 16/08/2021 00:40

Felt exactly the same way, cried at 5 days to a friend at this very thought and would weep anytime I thought about it thereafter. Quite a few years later my perspective is somewhat different due to all the things that have become well publicised as ‘challenges’ with having younger children in lock down. In reality everything has a ‘pro’ and ‘con’ in life, including whether your children still live at home or not. Once I had DC2 I found I naturally moved on from such thoughts and weeping.