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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Empty Nest Syndrome

51 replies

Pollilop808 · 15/08/2021 21:09

I’m a FTM, DS is 10 weeks old. I’ve found myself crying numerous times about the fact that he will one day leave home and possibly live hundreds of miles away and that I’m probably going to miss him terribly. Am I being ridiculous? I think it was made worse by this article I found when discussing empty nest syndrome with a friend that has adult DC: www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/oct/25/how-to-cope-empty-nest-syndrome-children-move-out-gordon-ramsay

To those that know, how did you find it when yours left home? Is it as heartbreaking as I think it will be or is this a FTM/hormones thing?

OP posts:
Sleepingdogs12 · 16/08/2021 01:09

I clearly remember being overwhelmed by the thought that my happiness depended on her happiness and that this was beyond my control. These new emotions are scary . It does all become more in perspective with time and their need for independence is a positive thing for them and you. I cried every day for a few weeks when they went to uni but that passed , I am sad they don't live nearby but equally want them to forge their own life. It will be all OK and you wouldn't want them not to be able to be independent. Think your hormones are making sure you protect and bond with your baby.

PurpleSunshine · 16/08/2021 01:32

@54321nought

I am currently sitting alone in an empty house.

Really its fine

I didn't know if I would cope, but its a year since the youngest started uni, and I'm absolutely fine.

they are still at home a lot in the holidays, but that is trailing off too.

I hate saying goodbye and seeing them leave after a visit, but have regained my happy single equilibrium an hour or so later

This is so good to hear. Thank you!!
eachtigertires · 16/08/2021 02:06

When my DD was a newborn I found myself absolutely bawling at the thought that one day one of us would die and the other would be distraught and likely she would be the distraught one and I wouldn’t be there to comfort her. These feelings lasted a few weeks and were definitely hormone related. It did get easier as she got older and I don’t have such intense feelings like that any more. She’s 9 months now. Not that I don’t worry about it from time to time but it doesn’t consume my whole day to the point where it’s hard to do anything else. Thank god for DH in those early days tbh.

Furrydogmum · 16/08/2021 22:02

My 23yr old son's house purchase has just fallen through - I'm more disappointed than him! My 19yr old decided to do local uni and stayed at home - I offered to buy him an apartment (thinking he could let the 2nd room to help with costs) but he's too young to have his own place apparently 😕
They find me amusing and heartless at once!

VeganVeal · 16/08/2021 22:28

Yes after 20 odd years you cant wait to get rid! Trust me

MrsFin · 16/08/2021 22:38

By the time he gets to his twenties you'll be glad to see the back of him Grin

Oogachuckachopsy · 16/08/2021 22:53

That article didn’t make me cry at all. There be something wrong with me. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I’m excited for my boys to leave and start their lives properly as I’m sure I’ve created a home they’ll always want to come home to. That’s all you can do.

Anyway, I think you feeling this so acutely is not normal and a pit of perinatal mental health support might be in order.

Peakypolly · 16/08/2021 22:56

GrandDuchessRomanov Flowers
Giving your DC wings and roots should be the wish of all parents.

WTF475878237NC · 16/08/2021 23:02

Hi OP, some people are super sentimental old souls and people who are not like us just don't understand! I have met a few mums who have had the same thoughts in the newborn phase! I similarly had moments of feeling so overwhelmed with love I cried at the thought that one day I will die and leave my baby behind.

Flittingaboutagain · 16/08/2021 23:10

Yes as above!

There's a thread on here several pages long about new mums being overwhelmed with feelings of love and how for many it lasts for a long long time. I posted on it one night recently and OP was gracious enough to reach out and update us all (6 years later!).

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2395981-To-cry-when-I-hold-my-sleeping-child-because-I-love-them-so-much?postsby=Bellaboosmum1&fromid=108502281

VioletSunlight · 17/08/2021 00:09

Please don’t waste time worrying when the thing you’re worrying about is potentially decades away. Enjoy him now, time goes by too fast.

Thank you for this advice, which I will try to heed.

VinceBitMe · 17/08/2021 00:14

@VioletSunlight

Please don’t waste time worrying when the thing you’re worrying about is potentially decades away. Enjoy him now, time goes by too fast.

Thank you for this advice, which I will try to heed.

❤️❤️
Original poster
Pollilop808 · 18/08/2021 09:49

Thank you for all your kind responses and advice. It’s good to know it’s not just me Smile

OP posts:
romany4 · 18/08/2021 09:54

My kids left home at 17 and 18. I was upset when the first one went but loved it when the 2nd one left to go to University.
I got my house back. No mess, no noise. Lovely!

I should day I have a fantastic relationship with both my kids. They're in their 20s now and I speak to them most days and see them at least once a week.

Besswess88 · 18/08/2021 09:58

Mine have all left home (24, 22, 19) and they come back continually.

19 yr old DS is home from Uni and is absolutely doing my head in atm.

He’s 10 weeks not even 10 months.

You need to speak to someone.

MatildaTheCat · 18/08/2021 09:59

When DS1 went off to uni I did have some pangs but each time I reminded myself how much worse it would feel if he couldn’t spread his wings and leave us.

Ten years on I can say I love my empty nest. Enjoy the intense love stage, like any love affair it does change over time.

Nevernottrying · 18/08/2021 10:18

I remember after giving birth to my first child having an overwhelming feeling that it would be gone in a blink and they’d be grown up. It was a weird feeling and upset me at the time. I’m sure a lot of people must feel like this with their new borns. 20 years later and I’m now struggling with them having left home! Parenthood is filled with massive highs and all the emotions under the sun!
Enjoy your baby 😊

Babdoc · 18/08/2021 10:32

OP, there are things to enjoy at each stage of your child’s life. And you let go of each stage as it passes, and look forward to the next one.
My DDs are in their 30s now. I love them to bits, but I enjoy my freedom. They only live an hour’s drive away, so we see each other regularly, and it’s great to have two such lovely adults and their partners to spend weekends or holidays with.
There are so many positives when your DC grow up - not needing to arrange a babysitter every time you go out, no disturbed sleep, no having to supervise everything, lots of time for your own hobbies and friends, and being able to pick the DC’s brains for help with tech/tools etc.
You have a wonderful journey ahead of you, filled with lovely milestones like first steps, first Christmas, first day of school, graduation… enjoy ALL of them, and don’t grieve their passing, OP!

VioletSand · 19/08/2021 02:57

@Babdoc

OP, there are things to enjoy at each stage of your child’s life. And you let go of each stage as it passes, and look forward to the next one. My DDs are in their 30s now. I love them to bits, but I enjoy my freedom. They only live an hour’s drive away, so we see each other regularly, and it’s great to have two such lovely adults and their partners to spend weekends or holidays with. There are so many positives when your DC grow up - not needing to arrange a babysitter every time you go out, no disturbed sleep, no having to supervise everything, lots of time for your own hobbies and friends, and being able to pick the DC’s brains for help with tech/tools etc. You have a wonderful journey ahead of you, filled with lovely milestones like first steps, first Christmas, first day of school, graduation… enjoy ALL of them, and don’t grieve their passing, OP!
This is such wonderful advice, which I try very hard to heed; to celebrate and enjoy the time as it passes, rather than mourn it as it is happening!
JustGiveMeGin · 19/08/2021 06:20

Enjoy them whilst they are tiny, you might find once they start having opinions that differ to yours (midnight-2am is a perfectly reasonable bedtime for an 11 year old apparently Hmm) that you are not so keen to have them around indefinitely.
I'll be mid-late 40's when my two turn 20, I'm hoping I'm still young enough to do everything I put off to raise them properly, it's not that I can't wait for them to leave but I also don't want them hanging off my apron strings for a lifetime!

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 19/08/2021 06:27

You are being ridiculous but it's perfectly normal. Enjoy the next few years and don't fret it all away.

Original poster
Pollilop808 · 19/08/2021 15:16

@Babdoc

OP, there are things to enjoy at each stage of your child’s life. And you let go of each stage as it passes, and look forward to the next one. My DDs are in their 30s now. I love them to bits, but I enjoy my freedom. They only live an hour’s drive away, so we see each other regularly, and it’s great to have two such lovely adults and their partners to spend weekends or holidays with. There are so many positives when your DC grow up - not needing to arrange a babysitter every time you go out, no disturbed sleep, no having to supervise everything, lots of time for your own hobbies and friends, and being able to pick the DC’s brains for help with tech/tools etc. You have a wonderful journey ahead of you, filled with lovely milestones like first steps, first Christmas, first day of school, graduation… enjoy ALL of them, and don’t grieve their passing, OP!
Thank you for reminding me of this, I am so excited about the journey ahead of us!
OP posts:
Original poster
Pollilop808 · 19/08/2021 15:25

@GrandDuchessRomanov

Exact opposite to you OP.

My DS is now 16 and is severely disabled with SEN and requires 24 hr care. He will never leave home other than to go into care when DH & I are no longer physically or mentally able to cope with him.

A thought that occupies my mind every. single. day.

I would sell my soul for him to be able to live an independent "normal" live and fly our very loving nest.

Maybe try thinking along those lines as it could just put everything in to perspective and realise how very, very lucky you are.

Thank you for your response @GrandDuchessRomanov your situation sounds so tough, I really feel for you. I know we are very very lucky indeed, and I’m so grateful that she is fit and healthy right now.
OP posts:
Mary46 · 19/08/2021 15:44

Op not easy. My friend has 2 in Australia has really felt it. Mine still at home one in school. I think these posts show me the importance of hobbies/friends when kids move away.

PlanDeRaccordement · 19/08/2021 15:54

YANBU to feel what you are feeling. But you have many years to go, so don’t spoil the wonderful present of a baby growing up by thoughts of twenty years from now!
I’m going through it now with 1 DC grown independent, 2 DC at university and youngest is 17. The house is much quieter and I do miss my absent DC. I chuckle every day at some memory of when they were little and our home was chaos.
But honestly I have no energy left. If they were all back home, I’d be exhausted. I am accepting this new life stage and am busy planning for when the last DC is launched and DH and I can finally retire and do the travelling we’ve always wanted to do.