So angry at dead husband

[Lyndyloo17]

Husband died a few months ago. Short version of back story is he had an affair several years ago. I kicked him out and he moved in with her. Same old story. He was always lying and trying to tell me they were finished and he wanted us to get back. I refused. Anyway they eventually split up and a few years later we got back together. He was very ill for the last year and I nursed him til he died. I thought we had cleared the air and put the past behind us and I was devistated when he died. I have found out today that he had lied and he had been living with her for much longer than he told me. I don’t know why I am so upset. It shouldn’t matter but it has really got to me.

I’m sorry.

Op, I don't know what to say, or if anything can make you feel better. I'm so sorry for your loss. Maybe it's because you can't have words with him/ because affairs are such a betrayal.

The best revenge is to live your best life. Do whatever you need to, to get through the grief and then do just that.

That's utterly shite. No wonder you are angry and upset. He is not here to face the music and that's not fair. Where is all that emotion supposed to go? Be angry, be upset. Then let the good memories peek back through again when you are ready.

He's gone now.
But you're still here.
Focus on your tomorrows - try to make them good ones!!

So sorry op, you’ve had an awful lot to deal with and have clearly acted with great kindness and forgiveness. I’m not surprised you are furious at this latest revelation - it must be a real kick in the teeth after everything you did for him at the end of his life. Have you had any counselling to come to terms with his death and the infidelity? Perhaps you could contact Cruse? They might be able to help. Hugs xx

It shouldn’t matter but it has really got to me

Of course it matters and I'm not surprised it has got to you - why wouldn't it? Really have no words and nothing to offer you other than to say if nothing else maybe his effort to conceal or play down how long he was with her for was borne out of genuine regret, remorse and he hoped you'd be spared any more distress than was already enough.

This is a shit setup for you OP especially now he's gone and you feel cheated out of closure.

If you don't mind me asking, how did you find out all of this?

Be angry. It's absolutely valid emotion at this point! We had similar situation and the anger just vould have not been there.
If you try yo supress it, it will just bubble somewhere there. Get it out

Anyone would be angry and devastated at this. It's horrible being lied to. It must be a million times worse when that person isnt there any more and there is frustration and guilt and everything else in the mix. Whatever you're feeling you need to give yourself a break and recognise that it's normal feelings in a horrible situation and its ok to feel conflicted

PinniGig I met up with some of his work colleagues One of them mentioned that when they joined the company they were still together which was two years after he was telling me. The other colleague did say that he often said he had regretted his behaviour. Thank you all for your support . I have been to Cruse but I couldn’t feel comfortable with the therapist. Think I might have to try again.

yes it does matter and I am so sorry you have this to deal with on top of everything else

I'm so sorry .

You deserved better than this and you have every right to feel anger, sadness or whatever other emotion rolls over you. I hope that in time you will take comfort from the fact that you have behaved with great dignity x

I went through something similar. It is very hard to find out that someone has lied to you once they've gone. I can never settle my doubts that his lies created. There are many other times he may have lied about. I will never know the full truth and I struggled to accept that.

I have to believe he lied because he didn't want to lose me.

How awful for you, of course it matters. I can’t imagine feeling that anger but not being able to tell him. I feel silly saying this but maybe write down your thoughts as if you are writing him a letter? Get it all out somehow. X

I sympathise too and when they're not here to face the music it really does make it ten times worse.

I recently found something out about my late husband and his ex. Was well before my time and nothing to do with an affair but it was a lie (he'd already kept something huge from me which I found out about last year and this was something else he'd omitted to tell me especially after he said no more secrets)

I'm angry with him for not telling me but trying to understand his train of thought and I'm focusing on that but it hurts that I can't have it out with him and his sister had said it was all in his past and he was scared in his weird way of losing me. (He wouldn't have done)

Try cruse again. They are really good, well I find thier phone line supportive does depend who you get though

I think it is understandable you are very upset/angry, and I am sorry for your loss. It is very hard to be upset with someone who is not there for us to get annoyed at.

It is ingrained in us to never speak ill of the dead, but this doesnt change the fact that he behaved badly. Your feelings are absolutely valid and you have every right to be angry. I'm so sorry

@Wingingthis

How awful for you, of course it matters. I can’t imagine feeling that anger but not being able to tell him. I feel silly saying this but maybe write down your thoughts as if you are writing him a letter? Get it all out somehow. X

I think the letter is a good suggestion - express it directly to him. It can always be burnt afterwards.

It's the feeling that he lied to you to get you to take him back, which meant that you were the one doing all the things for him for a year when he was ill (and some of those things will have been shitty in every sense of the word) but it was under false pretences. Now you don't have the option of telling him to go back to her if he wants looking after, you can't get that year of your life back.

Be as angry as you like. But in time, try to let it go. He took a lot of your life with his lies and deception - don't let him have the rest of it too.

It's perfectly normal to be angry at this.......but you are still here and must build a new life with opportunity in it to make a better life.

I'd be upset too. And angry.
Don't waste time dwelling on it though. Find happiness

I am so sorry, Lyndylou.

People do minimise things they have done which make them feel ashamed. I certainly have in the past.

The important thing is that you loved each other enough to get back together again, I hope happily, and continued to do so until he died.

Remember the love, the rest will fade in time. However it is perfectly natural for you to feel angry at the moment, come back here and express it as often as you need.

(I am also a widow.)

Wow. I’m so sorry op. You must be experiencing a wild mash up of emotions at the moment.

I suppose it must be frustrating to grieve his loss but also be angry that he is not about to take accountability for his actions.

I guess it’s just getting through this hard period and try to get to some kind of acceptance that he was how he was and did the things he did.

It’s still fresh though so be kind to yourself

Oh love, I'm sorry. None of this is your fault, you sound very decent and forgiving. Use your anger if you can to move forward and concentrate on looking after yourself.💐