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Original poster

So angry at dead husband

36 replies

Lyndyloo17 · 15/08/2021 20:22

Husband died a few months ago. Short version of back story is he had an affair several years ago. I kicked him out and he moved in with her. Same old story. He was always lying and trying to tell me they were finished and he wanted us to get back. I refused. Anyway they eventually split up and a few years later we got back together. He was very ill for the last year and I nursed him til he died. I thought we had cleared the air and put the past behind us and I was devistated when he died. I have found out today that he had lied and he had been living with her for much longer than he told me. I don’t know why I am so upset. It shouldn’t matter but it has really got to me.

OP posts:
MouseInCatsClaws · 15/08/2021 21:55

its very understandable that you would feel this way. Take it one day at a time and just allow yourself to feel whatever comes up, without judging yourself. You are allowed your feelingsFlowers

spongedog · 15/08/2021 22:16

I am divorced, not widowed, but the lies, betrayal and ongoing abuse hopefully mean I can add something of value. Be angry and upset. You werent told the truth and it might have changed (or might not) your actions. I hope you can find a supportive counselor. But please allow yourself to move on. You are here and have a life ahead of you to fill as you choose. You dont mention children but if you have children together dont lie and pretend all was perfect. Children know.

Original poster
Lyndyloo17 · 19/08/2021 22:31

Thank you all for your kind and supportive messages. Now I have had some time to process things, I feel much calmer. I have decided that I am going to give myself a break. When I found this recent revelation, it sent me back to the feelings I had when I found out about the affair. However, I now realise there is no point in torturing myself andI need to start moving forward. I am going to forgive my husband, whether he deserves it or not. The past is done and I need to find a new life for myself. Once again thank you all. Xx

OP posts:
Cam2020 · 19/08/2021 22:35

Of course it matters. Grief is a complex thing as it is, of course this discovery has put a, spanner in the works. Go easy on yourself.

2bazookas · 19/08/2021 22:50

Write it all down in a letter to him; really get it off your chest.
Then take your letter out to the garden and burn it.

He's dead; you get to live and be happy without him. You win.

RobinsReliant · 19/08/2021 23:01

@Plumtree391

I am so sorry, Lyndylou.

People do minimise things they have done which make them feel ashamed. I certainly have in the past.

The important thing is that you loved each other enough to get back together again, I hope happily, and continued to do so until he died.

Remember the love, the rest will fade in time. However it is perfectly natural for you to feel angry at the moment, come back here and express it as often as you need.

(I am also a widow.)

This is sound and compassionate advice.

I don’t think for a second that your DH ever intended to hurt you. They lie to avoid things and dodge situations they can’t cope with. It was never about you. It was about him avoiding facing up to the truth himself.

It was you he returned to. You he stayed with. You were in each other’s lives at the end. That says a lot.

Plumtree391 · 19/08/2021 23:02

@Lyndyloo17

Thank you all for your kind and supportive messages. Now I have had some time to process things, I feel much calmer. I have decided that I am going to give myself a break. When I found this recent revelation, it sent me back to the feelings I had when I found out about the affair. However, I now realise there is no point in torturing myself andI need to start moving forward. I am going to forgive my husband, whether he deserves it or not. The past is done and I need to find a new life for myself. Once again thank you all. Xx
That is excellent, Lyndyloo.

I hope you have many good years ahead.

CherryPieface · 19/08/2021 23:24

I’m so, so sorry, this must be so hard, look after yourself xxx

LochinverSwimmingPool · 19/08/2021 23:30

I completely understand why you're angry.
You have nowhere to vent this now, either, since your husband is dead.
It was very wrong of him to lie to you like that.
He did not deserve you, OP.

I'm so sorry.

Branleuse · 20/08/2021 00:16

Sounds like he was a bit of a bastard for some stuff, but you were who he needed. Im not surprised you have mixed feelings. This will probably take time to process and make sense of x

Wineat5isfine · 20/08/2021 00:45

Wishing you so much luck for the future 💐

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