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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was my Sister Insensitive - AIBU?

57 replies

Googleboxfan · 15/08/2021 17:30

I'm having serious marriage and money problem worries. Don't know where I Will live if split is to happen and I am worried sick as I cant afford mortgage etc.
Yesterday I was having a bad day, feeling very panicky and tearful. I asked my sister to meet up with me for a walk.

Sister has been supporting me over the telephone and text for a few months.

I've been particularly stressed out with everything etc.

On our walk my sister had 'a go' at me for not asking how she is. How her house move is going and how my nephews GCSE's had gone and how her holiday went.
In all honesty I didn't even realise results day was Thursday.

I told her I've been extremely stressed out of late and can't seem to focus on things with the worry.

She just continued and said I should ask how she is and that it is bad I didn't even text her to ask. I told her she is being very selfish and insensitive considering the circumstances.

She also said there is nothing more she can advise me if I don't move out.

I was crying my eyes and I felt like I was close to the edge as can't cope no more with criticism. I eventually calmed myself down and we both apologised to each other.

AiBU towards my sister or was she being insensitive and selfish?

OP posts:
queenMab99 · 15/08/2021 19:51

I think when you are in such a distressed state it is very hard to imagine that other people's lives are carrying on as normal, that people are going on holiday, or looking forward to a new house. It reminds me of that song, 'why does the sun go on shining, why does the sea rush to shore, don't they know it's the end of the world....................' I remember pegging out washing after a shocking bereavement, and thinking 'what am I doing! He is dead!'
I don't think your sister was being unreasonable, from her point of view, because if she has never been in your situation, she won't realise just how your mind has gone into a place where nothing except your immediate survicval matters, and protecting your children from knowing how dreadful you feel takes all your energy. You will get through it, don't panic, just keep going, write lists of things you need to deal with, and maybe get an appointment with your GP.

owlbethere · 15/08/2021 20:28

I can understand why you haven’t asked, when you’re wrapped up in your own worries it’s very easy to forget thst other people have concerns too and also need some support or interest shown in them.
I think some previous posters are a little harsh, if you don’t have kids in gcse year yourself why would you know when results day is? Particularly this year when it’s not at the usual time.
But I think your sister is right to remind you that she also needs your support sometimes.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 15/08/2021 20:37

Yabu, just because you have problems doesn’t meant everyone else doesn’t or have life positives that you cannot even ask them how they are doing.

Relationships are only workable if it’s a two way friendship, not me, myself and I!

HunterHearstHelmsley · 15/08/2021 20:39

I have a friend like this. I've supported her with everything she needs for the best part of a year now. I had some bad news a few weeks back.. She phoned me on the day to moan about something and didn't even check in. It really hurt.

I've taken a step back now. It's not fair to put someone under that amount of pressure and never reciprocate.

If she called me insensitive then I'd probably cut her off.

ThePoint678 · 15/08/2021 20:40

After so long supporting you please don’t now suggest you meet and she can’t speak about her life. How rude.

I have lost a once great friend in similar circumstances. I spent years supporting her through her difficult break up then one day, years later, realised she had no clue what was going on in my life. I was basically her unpaid therapist. It was very sad. She also thought I was so unreasonable for not continuing to devote my life to her even though her problems had been resolved by then.

Time to wake up OP.

Boombadoom · 16/08/2021 22:30

@HunterHearstHelmsley I had pretty much the exact same thing with a friend recently. She told me I had no idea what she was going through… after hearing it for 18 months with nothing back for me in that entire period. I did cut her off and I feel incredibly free. It was so insensitive and hurtful and I couldn’t get past it.

Lokdok · 16/08/2021 22:39

YABVU. I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time though. Everyone has struggles though, and it’s just the right thing to do to ask how someone else is.

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