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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was my Sister Insensitive - AIBU?

57 replies

Googleboxfan · 15/08/2021 17:30

I'm having serious marriage and money problem worries. Don't know where I Will live if split is to happen and I am worried sick as I cant afford mortgage etc.
Yesterday I was having a bad day, feeling very panicky and tearful. I asked my sister to meet up with me for a walk.

Sister has been supporting me over the telephone and text for a few months.

I've been particularly stressed out with everything etc.

On our walk my sister had 'a go' at me for not asking how she is. How her house move is going and how my nephews GCSE's had gone and how her holiday went.
In all honesty I didn't even realise results day was Thursday.

I told her I've been extremely stressed out of late and can't seem to focus on things with the worry.

She just continued and said I should ask how she is and that it is bad I didn't even text her to ask. I told her she is being very selfish and insensitive considering the circumstances.

She also said there is nothing more she can advise me if I don't move out.

I was crying my eyes and I felt like I was close to the edge as can't cope no more with criticism. I eventually calmed myself down and we both apologised to each other.

AiBU towards my sister or was she being insensitive and selfish?

OP posts:
Lumpwoody · 15/08/2021 17:49

It would be too late for me I’m afraid. I’d be stepping back. What on earth were you at calling HER insensitive?

SnarkyBag · 15/08/2021 17:51

You apologised but clearly think she was in the wrong as you’ve started a thread about it.

If you’re at the point where your situation is inducing panic attacks and hysterical crying then you need some professional support

Boombadoom · 15/08/2021 17:52

She was not unreasonable to point out other people have lives too, no.

dressupinyou · 15/08/2021 17:52

It's hard when you're stressed or depressed to think about other people and it does make you selfish. It's important though to make an effort to reciprocate love and support or people just end up feeling used.

fringeneedsatrim · 15/08/2021 17:52

At least you have apologised now but do you actually understand that you were being unreasonable? She may be a bit mad at you for a while out of frustration. You need to try and put it right by showing more interest in her if you want to get your relationship back on track, even though you're going through a shit time, support has to work both ways.

Sexnotgender · 15/08/2021 17:53

YABU.

I’ve had similar with my SIL, totally there for her. Listened to her endless marriage woes.

I’m having a rough time lately and she hasn’t once asked how I am.

Rude as fuck.

RedHelenB · 15/08/2021 17:53

A universal YABU. Hopefully you'll Yarbrough Grace to apologise and make amends.

LagunaBubbles · 15/08/2021 17:53

Sounds like she's a bit fed up and resentful you've made it all about you only.

ohthatbloodycat · 15/08/2021 17:54

YABU.

Original poster
Googleboxfan · 15/08/2021 17:54

Yes. I definitely see that I am in the wrong and have apologised to my sister a few times now as I feel very guilty.

OP posts:
Hekatestorch · 15/08/2021 17:54

So you apologised, but still felt she was insensitive?

Sounds like you have got to a place where your problems are all consuming and yoh aren't thinking about other people. You seem to have forgotten they have lives too.

Starlightstarbright1 · 15/08/2021 17:55

Yabu..

You can have problems and take time for other peoples problems too.

It sounds like you have spent months talking, very little action and the world moves on.

Your basic question should be how are you ?

fringeneedsatrim · 15/08/2021 17:56

You've apologised several times, so long as it was genuine and you've learnt from it, stop feeling guilty and move on. Good luck with all your stuff x

mbosnz · 15/08/2021 17:56

Well, good on you for seeing that you have been in the wrong and apologising.

Breaking up, I imagine, is hellish, especially with money worries compounding it.

But moving house and supporting kids through these exams ain't a walk in the park either!

Maybe the two of you could do with agreeing to meet up to just enjoy each other's company, no talking about anyone's woes allowed?

Lumpwoody · 15/08/2021 17:57

If you know you were in the wrong and have apologised, why did you start this thread asking if your sister was in the wrong?

Original poster
Googleboxfan · 15/08/2021 17:58

@mbosnz

Well, good on you for seeing that you have been in the wrong and apologising.

Breaking up, I imagine, is hellish, especially with money worries compounding it.

But moving house and supporting kids through these exams ain't a walk in the park either!

Maybe the two of you could do with agreeing to meet up to just enjoy each other's company, no talking about anyone's woes allowed?

That's a good idea. Will do this. Take our kids to the park and I won't moan about my problems
OP posts:
Undisclosedlocation · 15/08/2021 17:58

So half an hour ago, you thought she was unreasonable
And now you have been told by 100% of mumsnetters that yabu, you decide that in fact you have apologised to her several times and we’re definitely in the wrong?

Doesn’t really add up, does it?

Bluntness100 · 15/08/2021 17:59

She should not have apologised, she’s nothing to apologise for.

The fact you started this thread is concerning. It’s like you feel her role is to support you and be there for you and that she, her family and her life is quite frankly irrelevant and not remotely important.. You didn’t even ask about yout own nephews results, or even how she was.

If this had been a sudden trauma over a week or so, it would be very different. But it seems this has been drama for months. So there’s no excuse.

Take her ar her word, if you refuse to leave then you need to stop with the drama and there is nothing more she can advise you on

Clydesider · 15/08/2021 18:00

Lots of people are calling you self-absorbed, but I think that it's far more complex than that. You're in a massively stressful period of your life and are very scared. Not knowing if you'll have a home or how you'll support yourself must be terrifying and all-consuming.

Yes, it would have been polite to ask how your sister was, and I'm sure you'll do that in future, but I also think she was wrong to have a go at you. It seems cruel, to me, to heap more distress on someone who is stressed to hell already.

Bluntness100 · 15/08/2021 18:01

@Googleboxfan

Yes. I definitely see that I am in the wrong and have apologised to my sister a few times now as I feel very guilty.
What since you started the thread 30 mins ago asking if sh was selfish and insensitive?
Soverymuchfruit · 15/08/2021 18:22

Sounds like you (both?) handled the conversation badly. When she started trekking you you'd forgotten to ask about her life, that was your cue to ask. Not defend yourself about why you hadn't. Of course it didn't help if she framed this as telling you off. But being defensive is seldom constructive.

Tell her you love her and then explicitly ask about this stuff.

Original poster
Googleboxfan · 15/08/2021 18:28

I told her I love her and we cuddled each other and kissed each others cheek. We do love each other and are very close

OP posts:
Hekatestorch · 15/08/2021 18:31

Lots of people are calling you self-absorbed, but I think that it's far more complex than that. You're in a massively stressful period of your life and are very scared. Not knowing if you'll have a home or how you'll support yourself must be terrifying and all-consuming.

I disagree with this entirely. I fled my abusive marriage with 2 kids and slept on a frienda sofa with 2 kids. Got a house, then started getting letters through the post or things in joint names that I was half liable for. For 4 years I struggled through.

I still maintained 2 way relationships throughout this. I am not amazing or think I am perfect and sometimes I can imagine, it was sometimes a bit one sided. I still knew when my best friends dd had her first day of school and sent messages. Still asked her and supported her through her own stress.

Op sounds very down, but her sister is right. Everything has been about her to the exclusion of everything to do with her sister.

SuperSketchy · 15/08/2021 18:32

You've done brilliantly to sort this out with her op. I also see your sister's point, but at the same time I can imagine how tough things are, going through a possible divorce and money worries. I get why you maybe became a little too absorbed in your own problems to ask her how she was. I think having a "no woes" policy outings would be good Flowers

LadyCatStark · 15/08/2021 19:16

@Undisclosedlocation

So half an hour ago, you thought she was unreasonable And now you have been told by 100% of mumsnetters that yabu, you decide that in fact you have apologised to her several times and we’re definitely in the wrong?

Doesn’t really add up, does it?

Yes this! It’s really poor to not even ask about your nephews GCSE results. It’s been all over the news and surely, knowing that this was the year he’d taken them you’d take a teeny moment to find out when the results were out. You could even have asked your sister the last time you spoke to her if you’d have been interested. I bet this has been bubbling under the surface for her for a while and the GCSE results were the final straw.