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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told dd off, now feel crap about it (guilt) but I think I was right

34 replies

StrawberryJaM6 · 15/08/2021 12:58

Sorry, long winded title

I suffer from guilt if I tell my dc off due to my own abusive childhood but I know they need discipline so I do it when necessary.

Anyway, last week dd (13) had asked politely for a few things (haircut, manicure and some new bits for our holiday coming up)
I booked her hair appt
I did her nails for her
I got her clothes as swimwear (that SHE picked)

All was fine. Asked her today to please start packing so we are organised

I’ve been told she … hates her hair. She had removed the nail colour as didn’t like it anymore (took me ages 😡)
Doesn’t like her clothes wants different.

I’ve told she’s been rude and ungrateful that I won’t be taking anything back as she chose it. Today’s plans were lunch out but she was so rude and I just felt had a go at and unappreciated that I said sorry it’s lunch at home because I had no desire to go out after getting up to be spoken to like that.

Now apparently ive ruined the day. Which has made me feel guilty but why should I put up with being treated so rudely.

I’m planning to just go out alone at some point for a walk and I hope she realises how rude she was

OP posts:
Evenstar · 15/08/2021 13:00

Definitely no more treats or privileges until she apologises.

Theunamedcat · 15/08/2021 13:02

Your right she is rude

Original poster
StrawberryJaM6 · 15/08/2021 13:06

I’m just really shocked at the ungrateful comments it’s not like her and I want to make sure this time is the last time as it was shocking

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 15/08/2021 13:07

You were right to tell her off BUT at 13 she will be very hormonal, is probably doubting her choices, convinced everything looks awful on her and obviously it’s your fault because that’s how it goes at 13 Smile.

Have a chat with her and ask what it is she’s upset with and reassure her that she does look nice and the items do suit her.

It’s not a nice age for lots of young teens.

Original poster
StrawberryJaM6 · 15/08/2021 13:10

@MatildaTheCat

You were right to tell her off BUT at 13 she will be very hormonal, is probably doubting her choices, convinced everything looks awful on her and obviously it’s your fault because that’s how it goes at 13 Smile.

Have a chat with her and ask what it is she’s upset with and reassure her that she does look nice and the items do suit her.

It’s not a nice age for lots of young teens.

What she doesn’t realise is how happy I’d felt doing her nails, taking her to get hair done and shopping for our holiday as these are things I never did with my mum to then have it thrown back in my face really has upset me That of course is my issue not hers and separate to her rudeness but it’s just made me feel really crappy 😭
OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 15/08/2021 13:12

She was seriously rude and its strange as she asked for all these things ...

has something else happened.. did a friend perhaps comment on her hair negatively causing a chain reaction..

just a thought OP...

sorry you feel glum 🌸

MatildaTheCat · 15/08/2021 13:21

Sorry, I do get that, honestly. Try to remember that at the time you did have a nice time together and got to bond over the activities. However it is worth trying to find out what is behind her outburst rather than just being upset, that is assuming this is out of character for her.

I’d lay my bottom dollar on insecurity about her appearance.

itsgettingwierd · 15/08/2021 13:31

The way she told you was rude.

13yo aren't always emotionally intelligent enough to communicate effectively.

I'd be punishing the way she spoke to you.

But she's 13. Maybe someone has commented on her hair and she's had her self esteem dented. Same re the nails.

She may also have tried clothes on at home and realised they don't look how she likes or she doesn't feel comfortable in them - haven't we all done that?

So absolutely tell her no lunch for the way she spoke to you but also tell her if she has an issue you will help her resolve it when she speaks to you with respect.

midlifecrash · 15/08/2021 14:01

My first thought was "she's got a mean friend" - probably a girl, jealous, has disparaged everything. Is that likely?

Original poster
StrawberryJaM6 · 15/08/2021 14:32

I’m going to talk to her in case someone has upset her 🙁

OP posts:
54321nought · 15/08/2021 14:35

Sounds like she is having a teenage tempertantrum, and taking it out on you.

She needs to know that is NOT ok, and you are upset, and her rudeness has consequences.

In short, she needs to grow up a bit, but she will, she's 13, and she clearly has a lovely mum!

SheWoreYellow · 15/08/2021 14:37

Yes deal with the rudeness.

But I’d there any point keeping the clothes if she doesn’t like them?

SheWoreYellow · 15/08/2021 14:37

*is

UserStillatLarge · 15/08/2021 14:41

yes, she was rude by 13 year olds aren't mature communicators yet so perhaps try to understand what's at the bottom of this?

She can choose not to like her hair and nails even if it was what she wanted. She can change her mind about clothes she chose yesterday. Adults do these things too.

My teen DD is always having wobbles about her hair and clothes. I usually find telling her she looks great (if she does) or talking through what she's concerned about and if there are things she can change is more counter productive than just getting cross. Remember this is not an attack on you - she's venting at you because she can and because she thinks it's a safe space. By all means make it very clear that the way she is expressing her feelings is not appropriate, but try to understand her point of view as well?

AngelsWithSilverWings · 15/08/2021 14:46

My dd13 is just like this and it drives me mad. The number of times I've bought her clothes or paid for a haircut that she "loves loves loves" at the time and then a day later tells me that she hates it all.

It's almost always due to social media/a friend making a negative comment about it. I imagine due to jealousy or a general need to put her down.

LagneyandCasey · 15/08/2021 14:49

I agree it's probably a remark from a 'friend' that has planted a seed of doubt in her mind about her appearance. 'My mum did my nails' may have been scoffed at - sad but true Sad

It's really difficult and upsetting but try not to take it too much to heart. Your experiences with your mum weren't good and you're trying your best with your dd as you didn't have that, which is great. Deep down she will appreciate it, and will remember those moments when she's older, but right now she's young and impressionable and finds it hard to realise she's hurting your feelings.

A big unMumsetty hug to you as I've been there with my dd's and know how crushing it is Flowers

QueenBee52 · 15/08/2021 14:50

@StrawberryJaM6

I’m going to talk to her in case someone has upset her 🙁

good idea 🌸

AliceW89 · 15/08/2021 14:53

Playing devils advocate here somewhat…but I’m struggling to see how confiding in you how she feels is rude? I’ve had haircuts and manicures where I’ve been disappointed with the results. I’ve bought clothes and then got them home and thought ‘what was I thinking?’ I agree her timing isn’t great and I’m aware we can’t tell how these things were said (and that is a big thing with 13 year old girls Grin) But fundamentally, expressing her opinions to you isn’t rude, even if you don’t like them or they upset you. It doesn’t sound like a personal attack on you and you need to be careful not to internalise it that way. Anyway I hope you can all enjoy your holiday.

GoWalkabout · 15/08/2021 14:55

She is a totally normal 13 yo, your parenting was fine to point out that she is being ungrateful. But avoid too much emotional weight - don't let her feel responsible for your upset feelings too much. And be pragmatic about the clothes, if she hates them return them but don't immediately provide money for more.

NinjaBreadMan · 15/08/2021 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

1forAll74 · 15/08/2021 15:08

All this talk about a teenager being hormonal, is not an excuse for a teenager being ungrateful about the things that people have done for her,, she should be of the age,to have some proper manners by now.

QueenBee52 · 15/08/2021 15:10

@1forAll74

All this talk about a teenager being hormonal, is not an excuse for a teenager being ungrateful about the things that people have done for her,, she should be of the age,to have some proper manners by now.

exactly

LitPearl · 15/08/2021 15:15

Yes I bet it's insecurity about her appearance.

I'm similar to you, my mother was a very difficult tough woman and not sympathetic to me at all. If I ever cried she flew in to a rage, even if I was trying to hide it from her and /or if it was nothing to do with her.

My own daughter and I have a better relationship but i asked her if she'd ''allow'' me to choose and outfit for her because she always wears grey tracksuits. Initially she as gung ho with this plan. We ended up having a big fight because everything I tried to suggest to her was dismissed instantly and she was so rude to me, in the end she was crying saying she looked fat in everything. So that is the reason she tore my head off.

I agree that there is a limit to how much it's acceptable to DUMP on to your mother. I have accepted to much because my mother was so awful to me when I was upset. Precisely at the moment I needed support I got more abuse. So it is hard not to slip in to a pattern where your daughter is taking her issues out on you.

I recently banned my daughter from saying the word fat though, to me. I have just listened to her going on about being fat for at least a year now and she never does anything about it. She gets angry with me for what she thinks I'm thinking (ie, that she's fat) but really, it's what she's thinking.

LitPearl · 15/08/2021 15:16

@NinjaBreadMan

My best is she was feeling good, snapped a picture and sent to her friends and someone, feeling jealous, has snapped back taking the piss.
oh bingo. Would put money on it.
LuaDipa · 15/08/2021 17:42

@MatildaTheCat

You were right to tell her off BUT at 13 she will be very hormonal, is probably doubting her choices, convinced everything looks awful on her and obviously it’s your fault because that’s how it goes at 13 Smile.

Have a chat with her and ask what it is she’s upset with and reassure her that she does look nice and the items do suit her.

It’s not a nice age for lots of young teens.

Agree with this. I took dd out and bought masses of new clothes for our recent holiday. We had a lovely day and she was really happy with everything she chose. We went away and she ended up wearing the same (old) 3/4 scruffy outfits on repeat. I was upset but realised quickly that it wasn’t about me, she was just feeling conscious of herself and her changing shape. It was such a shame as she looked so beautiful in her new things, but it wasn’t about me so I let it go and told her she looked lovely in the outfits she did wear.

I don’t think you were wrong to let her know that you were upset and hurt at the way she spoke to you, but I don’t think this has anything to do with gratitude and I think it would be helpful if you try and reframe the way you view this situation.