Told dd off, now feel crap about it (guilt) but I think I was right

[StrawberryJaM6]

Sorry, long winded title

I suffer from guilt if I tell my dc off due to my own abusive childhood but I know they need discipline so I do it when necessary.

Anyway, last week dd (13) had asked politely for a few things (haircut, manicure and some new bits for our holiday coming up)
I booked her hair appt
I did her nails for her
I got her clothes as swimwear (that SHE picked)

All was fine. Asked her today to please start packing so we are organised

I’ve been told she … hates her hair. She had removed the nail colour as didn’t like it anymore (took me ages 😡)
Doesn’t like her clothes wants different.

I’ve told she’s been rude and ungrateful that I won’t be taking anything back as she chose it. Today’s plans were lunch out but she was so rude and I just felt had a go at and unappreciated that I said sorry it’s lunch at home because I had no desire to go out after getting up to be spoken to like that.

Now apparently ive ruined the day. Which has made me feel guilty but why should I put up with being treated so rudely.

I’m planning to just go out alone at some point for a walk and I hope she realises how rude she was

Just be ready for for some more mixed up thinking from your dd as the teen years go by. A lot of that is to do with their own insecurities and nothing to do with you as a mom. I found it helpful to chat to friends who had girls of the same age as seeing others were the same reminded me to let some stuff over my head. You are right not to put up with rudeness but things are changing and it may trigger stuff from your own teenage years. She won't always be grateful and changing her mind and being confused may be come the name of the game for a while.

I think you're overreacting. Better that she confides in you about her feelings, than bottles it up because you'll take it so personally.

It’s difficult. I understand your reaction - I know the guilt having a shit childhood myself.

It’s worth reading the Philippa Perry book “the book you wish your parents had read”. It helps to process your reactions to your kids behaviour.

The fact is - she’s allowed to not like things, that’s her opinion. She just needs to be careful how she expresses that - and she’s learning but she’s only 13.

I’ve learnt with mine - we’ve learnt together - to be mindful of the other person when giving feedback but I try and be the grown up when they don’t like what I’ve done for them (DD will preface it with “I don’t want to be rude/please don’t be offended).

Was she actually rude, or did she just say she didn't like her hair, the colour, the clothes? My daughter is always having crises of confidence and it can come out badly. I really wouldn't take it personally, her taking the nail polish off hasn't spoiled your pleasure doing it. Unless she has actually been nasty to you, I'd just let it be water off a ducks back. Being a teenaged girl is hard!

I think you are taking it hard because of your comparisons with your mum and how you wish that had been - that's not on your daughter!

A couple of books that might be helpful

The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read: (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) g.co/kgs/Za4znP

Get Out of My Life but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? g.co/kgs/mAA4ii

I honestly don't understand excuses for poor manners and shitty behaviour. She's not an idiot just because she's 13. She is fully capable of understanding how She speaks to someone has repercussions ie- does she speak to her friends like shit? Her teacher? Her bf/he? Of course not. Because mum is fair game. I was a 13 year old. I respected my parents. I wasn't stupid, I just understood that you simply don't speak in certain ways or treat ANYONE in a bad way, parent or not. Stop giving excuses to teens.

She's allowed to not like something, but she's not stupid, she should know by now it's rude to shit over something someone's gone to the effort of organising and paying for. I mean, ffs.

I think you were OTT tbh.

Teenage girls are insecure about their appearance and are full of hormones.
It was fine to say no, that she chose the clothes and you weren’t changing them (unless you were prepared to exchange them), but cancelling lunch out wasn’t necessary imo.

Perhaps you didn’t listen to how she felt? Have you never had a haircut you hated or changed your mind about an outfit you bought after trying it on at home? Perhaps her delivery of the message wasn’t ideal but she’s 13 and all that was needed really was to remind her to phrase it politely, sympathise and find a solution together.

@YouJustDoYou

I honestly don't understand excuses for poor manners and shitty behaviour. She's not an idiot just because she's 13. She is fully capable of understanding how She speaks to someone has repercussions ie- does she speak to her friends like shit? Her teacher? Her bf/he? Of course not. Because mum is fair game. I was a 13 year old. I respected my parents. I wasn't stupid, I just understood that you simply don't speak in certain ways or treat ANYONE in a bad way, parent or not. Stop giving excuses to teens.

well then you are amazing and I'm sure your mum was veyr proud of you.

Back in the real world, some teens find it harder than others to negotiate the landmine of friends and hormones.

I have 3, the older 2 were like you, and knew the boundariesa and could self impose them. But my youngest has found it really hard. She is 13, and we will get these uncontrolled massive outbursts of temper and rudeness.

At the time, the only thing that works is to let it go. Then later once the emotional outburst is over, we can talk about HOW she has spoken, and why it is not OK, and what she could have done instead to express how she is feeling.

It isn't always a choice, sometimes it is a overwhelming dump of emotion that they just don;t know what to do with. Often she is massively wound up about something completely different and it takes a while for the emotion to get allocated to the right thing. That may be an argument with a friend or worry about school, and it comes out as a rant at mum over dinner.

It is not about giving them excuses, or allowing bad behaviour, but it is about helping them to understand and negotiate their own emotional life

Yes, either someone has spoilt her pleasure in her new clothes/hair/nails, or perhaps they just haven't been as transformative as she hoped. It is a difficult age and I wouldn't go back there for anything.

Having said that, she does not get to behave like an arsehole without consequences to herself. Nobody does, and you don't need to feel guilty about that.

I would talk to her about it if she's willing, though.