Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family planning/age gap/university

36 replies

biscuitfox · 15/08/2021 11:34

Hi!
I would like to have some insight from people that have been in a similar situation.
I'm 25 and my partner of 6 years is 50. We have a stable relationship and been living together for five years. Last year I longed for a family but deemed it was not the right moment yet - I was finishing my A-levels via distance learning. Having completed this, I was accepted to my dream university course in London and will carry on living there with him.
The age gap relationship is one thing that people around me point out as being unreasonable - in the sense that he will be an older father.
He has an eleven year old daughter from a previous marriage with whom I've been spending holidays and weekends, helping her out with school. She has special needs and I've been really helpful academically and socially or at least everyone who knows her says so. I enjoy spending time the three of us and that has prompted me to feel like we are an actual family and I would like to have children of my own.

Last year I got off the pill because we wanted to conceive - but there was a lot of pressure from me, which wasn't responsible... We were unexpectedly moving countries and we just agreed that this is not the right time. I have had an abortion in the sixth week, very early on, and I feel very sad about it.
But I think it was the right decision.

My question is - how responsible do you think it is to think about conceiving, in a year or two, amid my studies. I always wanted to have children before I'm thirty, to be able to have more of them - I was suffering from being an only child. The thing is I have ADHD myself so I don't strike people as someone who's responsible - which bothers me, becaue I am. I just have a lot of energy and to be honest having a lot of things going on in my life is what I feel good with. I'm really good with children.

My partner wants to wait for me to settle down in university and 'calm down' - find out what I want to do etc. But I've been longing for having a family for two years, and it just feels like the right person and the right time.

I want to ask if some of you have had a similar experience and how you would deal with a situation such as this, given that you're financially and socially secured - just a mature student in central London...

Thank you, I'm happy to join here!
Have a great day
x

OP posts:
EspressoDoubleShot · 15/08/2021 12:41

Be wary of any partner telling you to calm down You’re a woman not an excitable toddler
I don’t think I don’t think women need to be told to calm down I think we need to be told to step Up, be engaged, be passionate not be passive and calming down
I also think he’s stalling you regard having a baby with non specific flexible dates

drpet49 · 15/08/2021 12:47

* My partner wants to wait for me to settle down in university and 'calm down' - find out what I want to do etc. But I've been longing for having a family for two years, and it just feels like the right person and the right time.*

^He doesn’t want a baby. Listen to what he is telling you.

drpet49 · 15/08/2021 12:47

I don’t blame him. 50 is too old to have a baby.

EspressoDoubleShot · 15/08/2021 12:54

He doesn’t want to have a baby, he’ll he 50 something. IMO too old
Next thing he’ll say wait til you have work experience etc. He’s stalling you

cadburyegg · 15/08/2021 12:56

He doesn’t want to have more children. And I don’t blame him given his age. But he shouldn’t be stringing you along like this. If you want to have children, you need to end this relationship.

Livvielo · 16/08/2021 00:05

So you were 19 and he was 44 when you got together? I personally think you’re just at very different stages of life. It doesn’t sound like he actually wants a baby- if he did, he would surely be wanting to do it sooner than later giving his age. I think you need to decide if you could live without the family you want, and spend your life with him. But I would think very very carefully. You are so young and you do have time to meet someone else and start a family- lots of time! You haven’t really spent much of adulthood without him, and maybe this relationship has run its course. I would be very weary to plan my life with a man that has suggested I ‘calm down.’
You have some tough choices to make OP, listen to your heart.

StarDrawers · 16/08/2021 00:32

I don't think he wants a baby

Hekatestorch · 16/08/2021 00:36

He doesn't want a baby. You hVe finally got to uni and thinking about scuppering it by having a child? Why not wait till after. When you have been working for bit a got foot in the door career wise?

And, yes an age gap if that size, with only being 19 is concerning. But also it seems like he speaks like a child.

HeddaGarbled · 16/08/2021 01:14

Finish your degree, get a job, then have a baby. Plenty of time to get all that in before you're thirty. Probably change partners before 30 too, but you’ll have to come to that realisation in your own time.

felulageller · 16/08/2021 01:34

You sound like you've experienced childhood trauma.

Deal with that before you bring a child into the world.

TractorAndHeadphones · 16/08/2021 08:55

Having children as a student is hard enough for neurotypical people let alone one with ADHD - I have it myself and without a supportive husband it will be absolute hell.

And your sounds like he doesn’t want kids at all. Can’t blame him.

SheABitSpicyToday · 16/08/2021 08:58

I’m so sorry but he’s grandad age now, why would he want a baby at 50?

Essentialironingwater · 16/08/2021 09:42

Costs for children go on well past 18 - when does he want to retire? Are you happy to be the breadwinner when his earnings are capped at whatever he has from pension provision?

Age gaps this extreme rarely work out when one wants kids, and it sounds like he doesn't. Once uni is finished you will still be young and then it'll be a decision to make between him and starting a family.

girlmom21 · 16/08/2021 09:59

I agree that he doesn't want a baby.

Whose decision was the abortion because that's generally not a decision you make when you've chosen to come off the pill?

Are you studying long distance too? Do you work?

Original poster
biscuitfox · 17/08/2021 16:50

@girlmom21 I will study in person. I don't work, my parents support me financially but hopefully after my degree I will get a job

OP posts:
Original poster
biscuitfox · 17/08/2021 16:51

@felulageller of some kind, I guess, how did you know? i mean the relationship is very difficult for me too

OP posts:
TractorAndHeadphones · 17/08/2021 17:02

[quote biscuitfox]@girlmom21 I will study in person. I don't work, my parents support me financially but hopefully after my degree I will get a job[/quote]
How are you financially secured given that you don’t work?

Xiaoxiong · 17/08/2021 17:20

I'll be honest - I don't think you're in a good position to have a baby right now. You're

  • away from your support network
  • not financially independent from your parents
  • studying full time with no job lined up yet
  • in a very expensive place to live

Unless your partner is wealthy and can pay for a nanny I wouldn't do this. I was just a little older than you when I had a baby and it hit me like a truck physically - there was no way I could have gone to university in person at the same time. My mother dropped out of her masters having had me after her first year. I luckily had maternity leave from an established career to allow me to heal physically before I had to go back to work.

Original poster
biscuitfox · 17/08/2021 17:21

@TractorAndHeadphones My parents support me and i live in their spare flat with him

OP posts:
Original poster
biscuitfox · 17/08/2021 17:23

@tractorandheadphones @xiaoxiong
Thank you a lot for your replies, yes it's strange because my parents are very wealthy. We don't have luxury or jets but we have real estate and financial security (my siblings too). We are encouraged to enjoy it within bounds (no expensive luxury stuff) and encouraged to use finances to have a family/be supported / live. I know it is strange and it is great but it is putting me in a position in which not a lot of people i know are in.
Most people struggle with money and the people that don't are literally living in hotels and buying luxury stuff etc. which is not my/our case

OP posts:
Original poster
biscuitfox · 17/08/2021 17:25

I mean in a way i wear the pants in the financial sense of the word and my parents dont really mind it, they know him too and they like him. They have no grandchildren and would really love to. That is not to say that I am doing it because of them - all I say is I would have help etc.

OP posts:
CountTessa · 17/08/2021 17:35

If that's the case what financial arrangements do you have in place - does he contribute to the running of your household?

TractorAndHeadphones · 17/08/2021 17:46

Your situation sounds familiar - are you white British? I know a few families (whose cousins etc have similar wealth profile) but they’re Indian 😂

It looks like you are both supported by your parents. Your partner doesn’t sound like he wants another baby or will step up and take care of it.

But you have enough money to hire nannies and other help so presumably you’re not going to be stuck doing night feeds when you don’t want to, or balancing a childcare budget.

I don’t think you’d have the stresses of most people when having a baby - but do you really want to have a baby with someone who’s that indifferent?

Nonicknamesforcatapillars · 17/08/2021 18:03

In all honesty OP it doesn’t sound like he really wants a baby. Also he’s already 50, which I would consider too old really to become a dad again, though plenty of men do it I know. I suppose in your case you are much younger and you don’t rely on him financially, so not as bad as it could be in some cases.

So really from your perspective, you have time on your side. It doesn’t really sound like it’s the ideal time to have a baby if you want to go to uni. But at his age, time isn’t on his side and you can’t really wait around. If there’s no pressure to support yourself financially could you have a baby now and then study when you’re a bit older? I wouldn’t say this if your DP was younger, but otherwise he could be pushing 60 before any potential offspring appear.

Nonicknamesforcatapillars · 17/08/2021 18:04

That’s if he even wants another child of course.