Family planning/age gap/university

[biscuitfox]

Hi!
I would like to have some insight from people that have been in a similar situation.
I'm 25 and my partner of 6 years is 50. We have a stable relationship and been living together for five years. Last year I longed for a family but deemed it was not the right moment yet - I was finishing my A-levels via distance learning. Having completed this, I was accepted to my dream university course in London and will carry on living there with him.
The age gap relationship is one thing that people around me point out as being unreasonable - in the sense that he will be an older father.
He has an eleven year old daughter from a previous marriage with whom I've been spending holidays and weekends, helping her out with school. She has special needs and I've been really helpful academically and socially or at least everyone who knows her says so. I enjoy spending time the three of us and that has prompted me to feel like we are an actual family and I would like to have children of my own.

Last year I got off the pill because we wanted to conceive - but there was a lot of pressure from me, which wasn't responsible... We were unexpectedly moving countries and we just agreed that this is not the right time. I have had an abortion in the sixth week, very early on, and I feel very sad about it.
But I think it was the right decision.

My question is - how responsible do you think it is to think about conceiving, in a year or two, amid my studies. I always wanted to have children before I'm thirty, to be able to have more of them - I was suffering from being an only child. The thing is I have ADHD myself so I don't strike people as someone who's responsible - which bothers me, becaue I am. I just have a lot of energy and to be honest having a lot of things going on in my life is what I feel good with. I'm really good with children.

My partner wants to wait for me to settle down in university and 'calm down' - find out what I want to do etc. But I've been longing for having a family for two years, and it just feels like the right person and the right time.

I want to ask if some of you have had a similar experience and how you would deal with a situation such as this, given that you're financially and socially secured - just a mature student in central London...

Thank you, I'm happy to join here!
Have a great day
x

@Nonicknamesforcatapillars

In all honesty OP it doesn’t sound like he really wants a baby. Also he’s already 50, which I would consider too old really to become a dad again, though plenty of men do it I know. I suppose in your case you are much younger and you don’t rely on him financially, so not as bad as it could be in some cases.

So really from your perspective, you have time on your side. It doesn’t really sound like it’s the ideal time to have a baby if you want to go to uni. But at his age, time isn’t on his side and you can’t really wait around. If there’s no pressure to support yourself financially could you have a baby now and then study when you’re a bit older? I wouldn’t say this if your DP was younger, but otherwise he could be pushing 60 before any potential offspring appear.

Also if you're bothered about the effect of potential age issues etc on babies' health - the age of the father matters just as much...

My goodness. Please don’t have a baby with him. Focus on your studies and building a life you love.

@Counttessa We share food/day to day expenses and he pays the flat charges / subscriptions etc.
@TractorAndHeadphones I'm white french. I mean he's really keen, he just wasn't in that moment because of some moving etc. He doesn't think he's too old for another child. (after my uni)
@Nonicknamesforcatapillars
That is really what I was thinking of - study later - but as I went for that abortion i didn't want to wait another three years before I study. What I do / will study is quite usually done in a freelance way / from home. We're both in the creative industry.

He’s not the right person for you. He doesn’t want a baby and he’s too old. If I were you I would focus on finishing the studies and finding someone your own age, or at least not twice your age. And perhaps have a think about why, at age 44, he thought it appropriate to start a relationship with a 19 year old.

Your age gap aside having a baby while studying full time is hard. I got pregnant (unplanned) with DD at 20 during my first year of university and it was so hard. You never feel like there is enough to give as a student or a mother in my experience and if you are as passionate about your course as you sound you should have that be your main focus.

@MancMum2000 @21biobaby
Thank you for your messages

OP,

What did your parents think of a 44 year old man with kids moving in with their young daughter?

Your situation doesn't sound very healthy, I'm afraid.

He met you when you were 20 and he was 45. Ewwwwwwwwww. Don't have a baby with a creep.

Sorry I was quite harsh OP, I really do understand that desire for children, I was in a similar position to you and also an only child. It was hard to wait but I guarantee your life as a mother will be infinitely better if you have them with someone suitable and if you have a qualification and some work experience behind you first. You still have so much time, and he does not. Having kids is hard work and you both need to be on board with the energy and health to support them into adulthood. Best of luck with it.

When I had our first child, I was 28 and my husband was 50. When we had our last, he was 60. So I know a bit about this sort of situation (although every relationship is different, obviously).

Fifty isn't too old to have a child, but it does depend on his general health, because the first few months are bloody brutal! My husband is a farmer and was a builder as well at the time, so very fit and at nearly 70, he is still very active. You might need to look out for some attitudes which should have been left behind decades ago, but again that's an individual thing. Is he likely to be worried about being left to care for a baby while you study?

One thing that I wasn't prepared for was that one day, I looked at him and realized that he is properly old, but I am not. I don't know why, but the difference bothered me a lot less when I was 20 than now I am 48. I have much more of a sense of having missed out on parts of my life than I did back then, and an awareness that my traumatic childhood had a huge bearing on my choice of husband. None of this is his fault, but he is both the one person I should be able to talk to about it, and the last person with whom that would be either possible or kind.

At 20, I was (subconsciously) looking for safety and protection. At 48, I can see that I sacrificed a lot for that. We are unlikely to grow old together, we will not retire together, and I now find myself fighting against the restrictions which protected me before. I am also looking at a future of caring for him at a time when I should be able to indulge my own interests as the children grow up and (hopefully!) start to leave home.

When he moves to another country is he moving away from his 11 year old behind? This is the kind of father he is.