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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bf and SIL

64 replies

AndTime · 15/08/2021 10:29

My new BF of 9 months was invited to my brothers wedding last week, he was also invited to the stag do which he chose not to go to.

He had met my brother and sister in law about 5 times always the four of us. Everyone lives him, we all get on great.

Last night I saw he was talking to my sister in law on messenger and when I asked what about he said he was thanking her for inviting him to the wedding and saying he is looking forward to seeing them both again.

I asked if he had said the same to my brother and he said no.

Now I have met his sister and her partner probably more times but if we attended an event and I felt the need to thank either of them o would thank his sister, not her partner . I don't even have him on social media.

Now my sister in law is very happy with my brother and I know nothing is going on so I don't know why it has made me feel so uneasy.

This morning he has taken his phone into the shower which he never usually does.

So AIBU that it is weird to message my SIL instead of my brother if he wanted to thank them?

OP posts:
saraclara · 15/08/2021 11:57

Oh dear. I often message my SILs partner. I had no idea that it wasn't the done thing.

And I don't fancy him remotely. Ugh.

WomanStanleyWoman · 15/08/2021 11:59

I'd probably (and sexist) thank the lady for an invite when chatting as they are more into that sort of thing than men are.

That would be my first thought. Rightly or wrongly, most people think of women as the organisers for social occasions - particularly something like a wedding. A lot of men wouldn’t think or want to send a thank you message to another man.

WomanStanleyWoman · 15/08/2021 12:00

that's not a reason

Why isn’t it?

QueenBee52 · 15/08/2021 12:01

@WomanStanleyWoman

that's not a reason

Why isn’t it?

because its both their wedding.. its a pretty sexist reply tbf

WomanStanleyWoman · 15/08/2021 12:05

Whether it’s sexist isn’t really relevant. A lot of people would assume the bride is the one in charge when it comes to a wedding. It doesn’t matter whether they should - they do.

Disfordarkchocolate · 15/08/2021 12:07

I don't think it's odd, he probably just gets on better with her or knows she was the who suggested inviting him.

KindChick · 15/08/2021 12:09

I am not sure it’s weird or anything but your brother invited him to the stag do and he chose not to go (which do understand as he wouldn’t really know brothers friendship group) - did he message ur brother to say thanks for the invite to the stag and wedding etc.
Without seeing the messages you can’t really comment but if your gut thinks something is off then go with your gut.

plodalong12 · 15/08/2021 12:18

@AndTime
I didn't see the message no.

So then do you know or not that he actually was messaging your SIL at the time he said he was when he was being secretive with his phone?

Original poster
AndTime · 15/08/2021 12:20

I don't know for sure but I asked who he was talking to and that's who he said he was talking to and what he said they were saying.

OP posts:
SpnBaby1967 · 15/08/2021 12:21

Wait, what?? How are you even making this into an issue?

No, it's not odd, at all in the slightest Hmm

Jigsawtrain · 15/08/2021 12:22

I also message my SIL’s husband, didn’t think it odd. He messages me also. I don’t tell my husband as it’s no big deal.

burnoutbabe · 15/08/2021 12:25

@WomanStanleyWoman

Whether it’s sexist isn’t really relevant. A lot of people would assume the bride is the one in charge when it comes to a wedding. It doesn’t matter whether they should - they do.
Also if he is chatting to the bride and she keeps mentioning her wedding then it's natural to say oh thanks for the invite whereas it's probably never a topic that comes up between him and the brother.

I worked with a couple who got married. I was friendly with her in a chatty day but he was in my department. Me and her chatted about weddings a lot and him, I think I just said they say before oh I'll see you tomorrow, has anyone else in our department been invited? It just wasn't a topic of discussion between us.

Original poster
AndTime · 15/08/2021 12:28

Those saying they chat to their siblings other half, I presume you have known each other a long time?
I have been with this guy 5 minutes and he has met both of them maybe 4 or 5 times in a group setting. They are not great friends or anything.

OP posts:
Eviethyme · 15/08/2021 12:33

Both my and my husband thinks this is wierd sorry....

I would be cautious

GiveMeAUserName123 · 15/08/2021 12:38

Maybe it was one of those awkward things were they have history but pretended not to know each other?

Original poster
AndTime · 15/08/2021 12:43

@GiveMeAUserName123

Maybe it was one of those awkward things were they have history but pretended not to know each other?
It's definitely not that, hard to say the reason why without it being even more outing but there is absolutely no chance that is a thing.
OP posts:
Fullofglee · 15/08/2021 12:50

Is sil very attractive?

AlternativePerspective · 15/08/2021 12:52

So if it was your sister and he was talking to her male partner would you think that odd?

Or is it purely because a man is daring to talk to a woman?

ReggaetonLente · 15/08/2021 12:54

I don't think it's that weird. Lots of people thank the woman for 'hosting' as it's traditionally their area, certainly lots of our guests at our wedding thanked me as they knew I'd done all the work! Old fashioned maybe but there we go.

Also agree that 'outsiders' can bond more. DH probably feels he can speak a little more freely with my brother's girlfriend than my brother, despite us all getting on well - my brother's deepest bond will always be with me whereas with SIL it's a little more equal if that makes sense?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 15/08/2021 12:55

Suddenly taking his phone with him into the shower when in the 9 months you've been together he never has before is odd.

LittleCatDog · 15/08/2021 13:05

Maybe he was messaging her about something else like a birthday present for you, a surprise or a proposal? Might not be what it seems?

Original poster
AndTime · 15/08/2021 13:11

SIL is averagely attractive, she looked beautiful on her wedding day of course. She is pretty but not gorgeous that people just can't help themselves.

Definitely not a surprise proposal we haven't been together long at all and don't even live together. My birthday is next year.

It seems about 50:50 split on the thread, I just thought it unusual for him to seek out the wife and not thank my brother.

I will just point out again my SIL is absolutely in love with my brother there is no doubt in my mind that there is nothing at all going on. I honestly just thought it a bit odd with my bf being so new to the family.

OP posts:
GiveMeAUserName123 · 15/08/2021 13:14

Maybe he just has a quirk then where he tends to thank them females and not so much the males, that normal in a lot of people cases.

Bluntness100 · 15/08/2021 13:17

Generally I think people do thank the bride, rather than the groom

I message my friends husbands, they mine, depends what we are organising or doing, I message the most appropriate person. I also didn’t know you were only permitted to message those of the same gender.

Jigsawtrain · 15/08/2021 13:34

@AndTime

Those saying they chat to their siblings other half, I presume you have known each other a long time? I have been with this guy 5 minutes and he has met both of them maybe 4 or 5 times in a group setting. They are not great friends or anything.
Yes now, but we’ve always messaged. Of course I message my SIL too. You sound like either you don’t trust him or your insecure. If you don’t trust him you need to find out why.