Name changed to protect other parties anonymity.
Will try to be concise & hope won’t cause drip feed, but will answer any questions for clarity if necessary as promptly as I can.
Really need opinions; honest, frank, brutal or otherwise, as can’t stop mulling over why I did it & if it was completely inappropriate.
Short story;
I messaged, now ex boyfriends, now ex wife, to apologise for my role in causing her, and particularly her children’s, emotional upset in starting relationship with her husband, which subsequently led to her filing divorce on grounds of adultery. Was this unreasonable on my part or not?
Was I looking for trouble? Was I wanting to anger now ex boyf (he repeatedly asked me not to and how he would be very angry if I did so whilst together)? Was I looking for clarification and/or answers to the many questions I have? Looking for forgiveness? Too late to do so & therefore inappropriate?
Is he right in that it really was/is none of my business?
AND why did I then feel need (despite feeling pretty confident he would never find out) then blurt out my confession to him?!
(Spoiler: he got angry, told me it was nothing to do with me & why on Earth would I do it? But failed to explain WHY he felt so strongly about why I shouldn’t have done it. Stormed off and not answered my calls (he hangs up thinking I don’t he has 🙄) or replied to messages since.
It’s been over a week.
Story background;
Bumped into gentleman in question who I knew from school a long, long time ago, on night out.
Knew he was married with kids (small town, mutual friends, plus when previously bumped into on odd occasions every few years or so have had usual chit chat).
Tells me he’s now separated, been living back at his parents for last 18 months as she ended it. Plans for no fault divorce once 2 years up. I know this was true as mutual friends confirmed & now ex wife has told me too.
Start dating. Both want to take it slow (him because just out of 20 year relationship, 10 + years married. Me as single parent with desire to ensure potential relationships have legs before introductions & just out painful relationship - literally days out of!)
Feelings get mutually serious pretty quickly.
Lockdown happens just weeks later. Ideals & wants change immediately. He moves in for time being, no long term plan to continue past lockdown, convinced will just be a few weeks….
Wife finds out. My fault entirely as despite him asking me not to tell a soul before he’s had chance to tell her first, I swoon to best friends, promising them to secrecy. Best friend forgets this request (says can’t remember me saying, or didn’t hear as out & lots of background noise at time. Not her fault though. Entirely mine). So happy for my happiness, shares this news with another friend, knowing she is also close friend of wife….
Initially things are fine, couple of messages between us around our children being priority etc.
Suddenly she’s filed for divorce on grounds of adultery. He says, she also wants to name me on filings as third party & serve papers on me too, making me liable for paying parts of costs & potentially including my assets/income into consideration for financial settlement.
He says, he refused to tell her my address therefore protecting me from her being able to serve papers in me.
No idea if this was true (he has form lying, can’t see why he would about this though, but also can’t understand why she would consider it?) but at time was very stressed/ worried and took legal advice. Genuinely didn’t know/ realise that if separated, is still adultery. Feel so naive & stupid now.
And have genuinely thought as though I am partly to blame & responsible, so therefore is something I am part of, is also happening to me (albeit different & totally separate from their emotions, pain, stress, regrets, etc.) and therefore is something that IS to do with me.
Yet he adamantly said it was none of my business and to never get involved as I had no right.
Despite me explaining why I desperately wanted to apologise to her and the children. That is was, and never would have been, my intent to cause them pain & upset.
Respect his wishes. Keep my feelings & stress to myself throughout. Support him every step of way, financially (offering as feel partly responsible,& he saved me money keeping me from having third party papers served. he accepts although it’s still nothing to do with me 🙄), emotionally, practically (stay up all night preparing documents for him).
Strain of it all ultimately causes our demise. He ends it stating just doesn’t want to be in a relationship. This happened in February.
Divorce finalised several months later yet neglects to tell me as doesn’t think I need to know as nothing to do with me.
Promise each other to stay friends and continue to see each other sometimes daily. Though he blows hot & cold. Periods of virtually no contact from him, then periods of intensity from him as if still in relationship.
I find this confusing, conflicting and unable to move on. One minute accept it’s over & just friends, then feelings grow again and my hopes are built up as he starts behaving intimately towards me. But when I mention it question this, he blows cold immediately.
Feel that he is using me and has no respect for me based on his recent behaviours.
So randomly, for no apparent reason I can think of, I message his ex wife. Apologising for my part in the hurt I caused her and their children, albeit it genuinely unintentionally.
Admit & apologise for way she found out & take full blame for my actions.
Explain why not sent sooner, when wanted to, knew he didn’t want me to and it would really piss him off, explain have been wording what I want to say over & over in my head for over a year.
She has replied kindly, explaining I have nothing to apologise for and not even slightly to blame for what happened.
Have I been completely unreasonable to have done this?
Should I have stayed quiet after all this time?
Is he right in that it really is non of my business?
If you have got this far, thank you 😊 Would really value opinions as to if I have been unreasonable or not as been questioning myself ever since and now doubting myself and my reasonings completely.
Thank you!