Was I BU to contact his ex wife after adultery fault divorce?

[TheAdultress]

Name changed to protect other parties anonymity.

Will try to be concise & hope won’t cause drip feed, but will answer any questions for clarity if necessary as promptly as I can.

Really need opinions; honest, frank, brutal or otherwise, as can’t stop mulling over why I did it & if it was completely inappropriate.

Short story;
I messaged, now ex boyfriends, now ex wife, to apologise for my role in causing her, and particularly her children’s, emotional upset in starting relationship with her husband, which subsequently led to her filing divorce on grounds of adultery. Was this unreasonable on my part or not?

Was I looking for trouble? Was I wanting to anger now ex boyf (he repeatedly asked me not to and how he would be very angry if I did so whilst together)? Was I looking for clarification and/or answers to the many questions I have? Looking for forgiveness? Too late to do so & therefore inappropriate?

Is he right in that it really was/is none of my business?

AND why did I then feel need (despite feeling pretty confident he would never find out) then blurt out my confession to him?!
(Spoiler: he got angry, told me it was nothing to do with me & why on Earth would I do it? But failed to explain WHY he felt so strongly about why I shouldn’t have done it. Stormed off and not answered my calls (he hangs up thinking I don’t he has 🙄) or replied to messages since.
It’s been over a week.

Story background;
Bumped into gentleman in question who I knew from school a long, long time ago, on night out.
Knew he was married with kids (small town, mutual friends, plus when previously bumped into on odd occasions every few years or so have had usual chit chat).

Tells me he’s now separated, been living back at his parents for last 18 months as she ended it. Plans for no fault divorce once 2 years up. I know this was true as mutual friends confirmed & now ex wife has told me too.

Start dating. Both want to take it slow (him because just out of 20 year relationship, 10 + years married. Me as single parent with desire to ensure potential relationships have legs before introductions & just out painful relationship - literally days out of!)

Feelings get mutually serious pretty quickly.
Lockdown happens just weeks later. Ideals & wants change immediately. He moves in for time being, no long term plan to continue past lockdown, convinced will just be a few weeks….

Wife finds out. My fault entirely as despite him asking me not to tell a soul before he’s had chance to tell her first, I swoon to best friends, promising them to secrecy. Best friend forgets this request (says can’t remember me saying, or didn’t hear as out & lots of background noise at time. Not her fault though. Entirely mine). So happy for my happiness, shares this news with another friend, knowing she is also close friend of wife….

Initially things are fine, couple of messages between us around our children being priority etc.

Suddenly she’s filed for divorce on grounds of adultery. He says, she also wants to name me on filings as third party & serve papers on me too, making me liable for paying parts of costs & potentially including my assets/income into consideration for financial settlement.

He says, he refused to tell her my address therefore protecting me from her being able to serve papers in me.

No idea if this was true (he has form lying, can’t see why he would about this though, but also can’t understand why she would consider it?) but at time was very stressed/ worried and took legal advice. Genuinely didn’t know/ realise that if separated, is still adultery. Feel so naive & stupid now.

And have genuinely thought as though I am partly to blame & responsible, so therefore is something I am part of, is also happening to me (albeit different & totally separate from their emotions, pain, stress, regrets, etc.) and therefore is something that IS to do with me.
Yet he adamantly said it was none of my business and to never get involved as I had no right.

Despite me explaining why I desperately wanted to apologise to her and the children. That is was, and never would have been, my intent to cause them pain & upset.

Respect his wishes. Keep my feelings & stress to myself throughout. Support him every step of way, financially (offering as feel partly responsible,& he saved me money keeping me from having third party papers served. he accepts although it’s still nothing to do with me 🙄), emotionally, practically (stay up all night preparing documents for him).

Strain of it all ultimately causes our demise. He ends it stating just doesn’t want to be in a relationship. This happened in February.

Divorce finalised several months later yet neglects to tell me as doesn’t think I need to know as nothing to do with me.

Promise each other to stay friends and continue to see each other sometimes daily. Though he blows hot & cold. Periods of virtually no contact from him, then periods of intensity from him as if still in relationship.

I find this confusing, conflicting and unable to move on. One minute accept it’s over & just friends, then feelings grow again and my hopes are built up as he starts behaving intimately towards me. But when I mention it question this, he blows cold immediately.

Feel that he is using me and has no respect for me based on his recent behaviours.

So randomly, for no apparent reason I can think of, I message his ex wife. Apologising for my part in the hurt I caused her and their children, albeit it genuinely unintentionally.

Admit & apologise for way she found out & take full blame for my actions.

Explain why not sent sooner, when wanted to, knew he didn’t want me to and it would really piss him off, explain have been wording what I want to say over & over in my head for over a year.

She has replied kindly, explaining I have nothing to apologise for and not even slightly to blame for what happened.

Have I been completely unreasonable to have done this?

Should I have stayed quiet after all this time?

Is he right in that it really is non of my business?

If you have got this far, thank you 😊 Would really value opinions as to if I have been unreasonable or not as been questioning myself ever since and now doubting myself and my reasonings completely.

Thank you!

You should of just left it alone. No need to have messaged her . Draw a line under it and move on .

It seems like you love the drama tbh

Op you wanted to say sorry as it was on your mind. You did that now block his number and leave it in the past!

You sound like a decent person who got dragged in to a muddle.
Ask yourself what you learnt here and remind yourself of that and be kind to yourself and move on.
You were looking for ''absolution'' from an external place but you have to be kind to yourself. You've lived and you've learned.

@lunar1

It doesn't really matter now does it? Was it just him telling you she wanted to name you?

I really don't think anyone should involve themselves in another couples divorce process though.

She can't name you in a divorce if they have been separated for a considerable time (18 months is a long enough time) and she certainly can't bill you for her legal costs. A 'friend of friend' telling her about you is hearsay and inadmissible in court anyways.

@DeathStare

You sound like a drama queen to be honest.

From this story your ex and his wife were divorcing anyway. They were separated, you did nothing wrong. For some reason the wife thought using the grounds of adultery would be helpful to her - I'm not sure why, maybe it sped things up. BUT your ex had to agree to this- if he didnt he could have opposed it.

The details of his divorce are really none of your business and in writing to his ex-wife you are just involving yourself in something that is nothing to do with you, and making it all about you.

The rest of your post sounds like you really still want to be with him and as though you are trying to stay involved in his life. You really need to just break it off - he doesn't want to be with you and doesn't need to involve you in, or tell you, anything

The details of his divorce are none of your business as the above poster says, however if she sends you papers then she is involving you and making it your business. ( refer to my previous post- unlikely she will do this)

I think it’s a bit odd you did that as from what you’ve said I don’t think you did anything wrong. They were separated.
Maybe it was subconsciously to hurt your ex dp.

The only thing it would be good to reflect on is pandemic or not, whether it was right for him to move in with you so fast when you have kids.

The divorce is between the two of them. You've tried to make it about you. Her message back to you was very kind but if it was me I'd be thinking WTF?

Thank you for your responses. I am very grateful and they have genuinely helped me to understand that (going on general consensus):
• I was completely in the wrong and behaved inappropriately, by messaging ex DW
• it really was/is nothing to do with me & I had no right and may have caused more anguish.
• he was right and I should have accepted and respected his wishes and fact that it really is none of my business
• I really need to keep him out of my life, accept, with relief, he's finally gone and stop degrading myself by taking whatever crumbs he gives me.
• stop looking for forgiveness, to alleviate my perceived guilt, for something that was not my business anyway

As some explanation for my despicable, dramatic, selfish actions, which I desperately tried to convince myself, but genuinely thought was right & selfless in the moment, I have BPD.

Contributory factors behind cause/ triggers for my mental illness is my fathers continual adultery. Hence my irrational feelings of responsibility over matter.

I was diagnosed later than average in life and finally my life made sense. What I always thought was rational, normal behaviour, responses, emotions etc. I then realised was not normal and actually damaging for myself and everyone around me.

I had therapy, worked hard at my recovery & reached point 2 years ago where I no longer met the diagnostic criteria and had "label" removed. I realise this is psychiatry relevant only but was finally able to react and behave "normally". I even got a job providing therapeutic support to peers with same diagnosis & difficulties to help them "recover".

Unfortunately, and I don't know how or why, I have relapsed quite badly. I have some awareness and am able to catch myself in time. On occasions I recognise inappropriate responses too late, but still feel it an achievement that can recognise.

But I am having genuine periods where I am utterly convinced I am right and behaving appropriately. And this incident is worst yet. I have been unable to fathom out if I was appropriate, being genuinely selfless in my actions or if I really was wrong, inappropriate and incorrectly perceiving it as anything to do with me.

So yes. I am overthinking, confused, scared of my ability to separate & recognise reality from delusion, and being dramatic.

I now know, and am clear, that I have behaved inappropriately, unjustifiably and am damn well lucky to have received a kind response and not caused more suffering to her or the children.

I am ashamed and embarrassed but need to move on and away from it.

Just to add, he was given 2 options for divorce. To admit adultery OR accept fault on grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

He CHOSE to admit adultery.

I was baffled, and embarrassed as the third party, as to why he chose this option. At the time he said that he didn't want his children to ever come across online the examples of his unreasonable behaviour.

Even though this detail wouldn't be on record for them to find in the future and the fact that they already knew about is as they were there and witnessed it. And can recall it. (They sometimes would bring it up examples during phone calls I heard as to why they didn't want to see him)

He told me that all the incidents she listed were true. Sometimes laughing about them or saying how unreasonable she was in listing them as "unreasonable" as he had this reason, that reason, she overreacted, etc.

In her lovely reply she said about options given to him, and has never understood why he chose to admit to adultery.

For what it's worth I am aware my replies are over dramatic, over thinking, revisiting long closed situations and still thinking it is anything to do with me, when it clearly isn't.

Am grateful for you all providing me with best therapy I've ever received! Thank you

You need to cut contact with him. I think you (maybe sub consciously) did this to get back at him but it's such a small thing that has made no difference to anything I think you're really blowing it out of proportion.

They had already broken up and were getting divorced. The official reason for this on a bit of paper doesn't make any difference to anything.

You apologised and she accepted it. It hasn't had any negative effect on her and if it was a genuine apology, this would be what you were most worried about.

You and him were already broken up and he is stringing you along and playing games with you by blowing hot and cold. I'm not sure why you're so worried that you upset him when you don't owe him anything

This all sounds overly dramatic! You began a relationship after they separated, therefore did nothing wrong!

He is a prick...just move on with your life and stop giving him so much control over you