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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dreading amazing meal out with DH

39 replies

PennyWus · 15/08/2021 03:48

Every single year of our 11 year marriage, my husband says, "your birthday and our wedding anniversary are coming up, let's go to [names flashy restaurant] for dinner". 'Luckily' we are within 30 mins drive of a large number of gorgeous, quite expensive restaurants and I LOVE food so it should be an easy win.

However in recent years I just haven't felt like it. Last year I persuaded him to stay local, as our town also has some incredible although not-so-swanky restaurants. I don't feel like getting all dressed up and waltzing off to dinner.

In the old days a swanky meal out was a huge treat, romantic, fun, and always led to mind-blowing sex. Nowadays these meals out, once a year, leave me feeling ... can't put my finger on it... hollow? Feeling grief for the fact we are a middle-aged couple definitely not having great sex after our anniversary/my birthday meal out.

I know how DH sees this: ieasy win. Birthday and anniversary dealt with in one go; he ccan double the budget and take us somewhere nice.

I've tried saying, 'that's lovely but it would be even nicer to stay local, we can stroll into town and that way we can both have a drink.' But he just ignores me and finds another restaurant with an even NICER menu, and asks if I'd like that better.

So, aibu - if yes then should I just nod gratefully and accept a lovely meal out?

For context he is a misery guts about his own birthday, I have to badger him to let us do anything at all. So this meal in his eyes is definitely an anniversary celebration, rather than a birthday thing for me. But because it falls so close to my birthday, sometimes on the day itself, I feel like I'm celebrating my birthday without my friends and kids, at a restaurant I wouldnt have chosen to go to, pretending to be happy to please a DH who definitely doesnt want to have sex with me later.

OP posts:

ParityJ · 15/08/2021 03:55

He's your husband of several years and you don't feel you can say no to him?
It should be very easy:
"No thank you, I don't want too."

Are there many times you put yourself into a small box to save his feelings?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2021 04:00

Your problem really isn't about going to a fancy restaurant, is it? You and your husband aren't communicating and you sound very lonely in your marriage. Perhaps you need to start having some big conversations. He can't read your mind and nothing will change if you won't talk about it.

NewbieSM · 15/08/2021 04:02

Hmm seems that there are two linked but separate issues to unpack here.

First I get the sense you are on two different pages about how you want to celebrate your anniversary and your birthday. Your ideals have evolved over time as you've had kids different priorities etc. He on the other hand seems to want to maintain tradition, perhaps a nostalgia for a time passed? It's ok to not want to go to a fancy restaurant for YOUR birthday, just tell him no I want to try X place and invite some friends. Then do a separate anniversary meal just the two of you? Combining the two means you are always limited to just the two of you celebrating so just do both 🤷🏻‍♀️

Secondly, sounds like you two have lost that intimacy you used to have when you were a younger couple. Pretty normal with kids, jobs, mortgage blah blah, you can lose focus and feel distanced. If you are wanting to 'reignite the spark' talk to him about it, make time for each other during the week, sounds like you're out of sync with each other.

thebeatingofthedrums · 15/08/2021 04:05

It sounds like you want to celebrate your birthday with your friends and kids, not just with your DH.

It sounds like you don't have the same taste in restaurants with your DH.

It sounds like you're unhappy that you no longer have regular sex with your DH.

It sounds like you always put your DH's feelings above your own.

It sounds like he doesn't know any of this.

Unless you tell him, he won't be able to do anything about it.

mayblossominapril · 15/08/2021 04:08

If it was just the anniversary I would say just go with it but as it comes so close to your birthday and is seen as a birthday celebration as well I would say this year we are doing this. This is whatever you want to do. If he still wants a really good restaurant can you go at a different time of year, it doesn’t have to be for a special reason.

longhours · 15/08/2021 04:14

Oooff

He's misjudging what you want for your anniversary. Why does he get to pick it every year? Next year you book it. You can use a telephone. You can talk to him and at he's had what he wanted for x amount of yrs ..,

He's also misjudging what you want for your birthday celebration . Which starts with " No it isn't the same as our anniversary...you don't put them together and the we don't what you want anyway..." You decide yourself what you want and tell him. He isn't going to listen otherwise. Plan your own parties

11 years of marriage with DH smooshing your birthday into anniversary too- at a restaurant he wants to go to, but you, but him- so he doesn't feel he's overspent in both your joint wedding anniversary and your birthday.

Really?

longhours · 15/08/2021 04:15

You top it off by a "btw..." no sex

Please read back your posts

DifferentHair · 15/08/2021 04:24

Stating the obvious but the real issue isn't the dinner is it?

ohthatbloodycat · 15/08/2021 04:29

I started reading your post, thinking 'God, talk about a first world problem', but it's about so much more than that. YANBU and

NumberTheory · 15/08/2021 04:42

I think you should try saying something like If that's what you'd like for our anniversary that sounds lovely, but we're not doing it on my birthday because for that I want to have a BBQ with friends and family. (or whatever you would like).

Don't let him mash the two together.

Start this year with getting the two separated. Tackle the fact the anniversary thing is always a meal at a restaurant of his choosing next time - and do it by laying the groundwork.

I think you probably need to stop being passive about how things have changed for you as a couple. You need a bit of a talk about what you find romantic now or this is going to keep getting slowly worse over the years. I would suggest trying to have the talk a few months after the anniversary though, otherwise it will come across as mainly a criticism of that particular meal, whereas it sounds like you need more of a discussion about how your romantic life has stagnated in general (?). With this you need to listen too, it's unlikely that it's only you has different yens now, so be prepared to listen to what he finds isn't really working for him any longer too. A counsellor might help.

TreeSmuggler · 15/08/2021 04:48

One idea could be that you plan something else for your birthday and let him know. Maybe a day out with family or a dinner with friends. Maybe plan something for your anniversary as well - maybe a day trip, a hike, a movie or a play. That way it's more positive "I can't wait to do x" and not negative "I don't want to go to a restaurant".

Tell him you'll save the restaurant for his birthday (knowing it won't happen).

For the pp that suggested reigniting the spark, I don't think that is a thing, sorry. A romantic spark is something you have once at the beginning of a relationship. It is a biological thing to make us couple up and have children. You can't have it again with someone you've been with for decades. It would be like trying to regrow your baby teeth or have your period again after menopause. That doesn't mean you can't be happy in your relationship though.

daisychain01 · 15/08/2021 04:49

It sounds a bit formulaic and predictable, same thing every year for the past 11 years.

Also it sounds like he's completely out of touch with what you actually want now in 2021, he is stuck in a groove from 11, 10, 9 years ago but as the years have gone by, he's just carried on regardless of what you think and feel and how your preferences may have changed since then.

He sounds quite clueless, but then you can't tell him what's on your mind, so he's never going to learn is he. I can't imagine not being able to be honest with my DH - even yesterday we were going to have a coffee in town, but it was so damn crowded there was nowhere to sit, so I said I don't fancy this, shall we just go home and have a cuppa in the garden and he agreed. We both enjoyed it, problem solved.

Earlydancing · 15/08/2021 04:52

I don't think it has to be complicated. This might sound miserable because it's your birthday but...why don't you arrange something yourself. Choose somewhere, pick your companions and say this year I want to do this with them. Give him the telephone number of the restaurant, give him the time you want to go, give him the names of the people you want go with and give him their phone numbers. Tell him you want to walk in. Take any uncertainty out of the equation and tell him this is what you want.

Wolframhart · 15/08/2021 05:23

Little tip on celebrating things like anniversaries and nights out as you get older. If you know the meal out is going to leave you both a bit lethargic, plan some alone time for before you go out for the evening. Best of both worlds.

violetbunny · 15/08/2021 05:59

I would just beat him to it, and book somewhere YOU want to go for your anniversary dinner. The he will have to figure out something else for your birthday.
But do speak with him, it sounds like he is not listening to you.

speakout · 15/08/2021 06:02

Why can't you have honest communication with your OH?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/08/2021 06:06

Just decide what YOU want to do for YOUR birthday for once - and then TELL him.

If he still wants to go out for your anniversary then that's on him - and you can again TELL him whether or not you want to go. But your birthday should be YOUR choice.

Fair play though, so should his. If he doesn't want to mark his birthday in any particular way, then you shouldn't force him. Let him be "a miseryguts" if he wants! it's what HE wants for HIS birthday.

I had this sort of birthday expectation mismatch within my own family - some loved overt flashy celebrations of especially "big" (-O) birthdays, whereas others would sooner have forgotten all about it. Going to places like TGI Fridays, where the staff bring out a cake, there are balloons and they make everyone sing at you? Absolute TORTURE for one family member, the other loved it.

Suit each birthday to the person whose birthday it is.

ShippingNews · 15/08/2021 06:23

Him - So I found this wonderful restaurant for your birthday / anniversary...
You - Well from this year onwards I've decided that I don't wan't that dual celebration . For my birthday I'd like to go to my choice of place, and for your birthday we'll go to your choice, or nowhere if you choose . And for our anniversary I'd like us to discus what we do . I'm sure that's going to work out just fine.

girlmom21 · 15/08/2021 06:38

Why don't you stop worrying about the meal and focus on your relationship/lack of sex issues and you might find the meal is a lot more enjoyable?

Also a little bit confused as to how some years your anniversary falls on your birthday and some years it doesn't!

ViperHalliwell · 15/08/2021 06:41

You’re married to this person, you’re celebrating your mutual anniversary, talk it through openly and find something you both like to do even if it’s a compromise.

As far as your birthday is concerned - it sounds like he doesn’t like to celebrate his birthday/adult birthdays in general, and you do. This is common, and in some cases it’s as simple as letting him know that your birthday is important to you and you want to celebrate it as its own thing; you’re not judging him for not celebrating his and not pressuring him to celebrate his. If he can’t get excited about your birthday just because you’re excited, then yeah, listen to yourself: I feel like I'm celebrating my birthday without my friends and kids, at a restaurant I wouldnt have chosen to go to. Celebrate your anniversary together, and then celebrate your birthday with people who are game to celebrate it with you, even if he decides to self-exclude.

As a side note: my ten-year-old nephew who was born on Christmas Eve is not letting anyone conflate his birthday with Christmas (which is also a birthday, just not his). As a family, we now celebrate both (or all three, if you consider Christmas Eve and Christmas Day as separate occasions). Elements bleed over - for example, we usually go out on birthdays and that requires extra work in this case because people are also booking up for Christmas Eve - but when you know what to expect, you can do the work to accommodate it. Your birthday and your anniversary - important occasions, but only known to your family and friends - shouldn’t be hard to separate.

Parttimemostofthetime · 15/08/2021 06:55

I think you really need to try and be honest. What would you like to do for your birthday? Whatever it is tell him, and suggest a lower budget meal near home for your anniversary

Sounds like theres a lot going on in your relationship though, some talking needs to.be done

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 15/08/2021 06:59

Clearly there are a number of issues wrapped up in this one post.

The easy ones first:

you’re in control of what happens on your birthday. If you want a family meal/BBQ whatever, organise it.
‘I’ve tried telling him’ re: the anniversary meal, just tell again using more assertive language. Find the restaurant you want to go to and say ‘Thisnis where I’d like us to go this year, I’m going to book it for x date x time’

The deeper issue is the intimacy one. Always tricky to confront but clearly it’s important to you and causing deep seated unhappiness. Have you raised this before? Try reminiscing about anniversaries in the past ‘do you remember when we went to x restaurant- the best bit was the hotel..’ to try and start a conversation. How long has it been?

JulesCobb · 15/08/2021 06:59

So, for 11 years he has got a treat on your birthday? What happens on his birthday? Do you both enjoy a meal then?

Why not just say no? Something like, ‘By all means we can go to a restaurant on our anniversary, but for my birthday I’d like to do x.’
Ir just say youd rather not fo for a meal out this year. You'd like to do x for your anniversary and x for your birthday.

Shoxfordian · 15/08/2021 07:00

Do you like spending time with him still? It doesn’t sound as though you do

Roselilly36 · 15/08/2021 07:24

I totally get it OP. I have just turned 50, DH would have been happy to take me out to an expensive restaurant, but I really can’t be bothered.

I don’t know why my opinion has changed on this, if it’s because of the pandemic, my disability & just generally used to being at home.

We have been together for many happy years, and I used to love, buying a new outfit, having a meal out, staying in a luxury hotel. But now it doesn’t interest me in the least.

DH isn’t bothered either as he likes being at home. But he always wants to treat me & make me happy.

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