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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ignoring my DCs GCSE Results

43 replies

Summertime2 · 14/08/2021 21:29

My DD got her results this week. 10 grade 9s. She has ADHD, low processing speed and generalised anxiety disorder. It's been a tough year. She is at a private school.

My family seem unable to be happy about her achievement-because my niece has also done GCSEs this year and done v well, at a state school.

I've spoken to my parents on the phone and they just immediately talked about how well my DN had done, ignored DD.

Any advice how to handle this? It's as if they think all private school kids get straight 9s so not worth praise.

We haven't even seen DD yet as she was away with friends. Just feel sad my family can't be proud of her as well as her cousins

OP posts:

LovePoppy · 14/08/2021 21:31

Is there often favourtism?

Well done to your daughter!

Wombat64 · 14/08/2021 21:33

Congrats to your DD.

Hard to study with adhd, really hard.

PlanDeRaccordement · 14/08/2021 21:34

That’s sad and definitely favouritism. But kids do pay more attention to praise from mothers and fathers than extended family. So hopefully it will not affect her too much.

Original poster

Summertime2 · 14/08/2021 21:35

I've never seen it this blatantly and hurtfully but I think it's mostly protective on my DMs part. We can afford private school for eg. But actually DD has had huge educational struggles which seem to be ignored

OP posts:

greenlynx · 14/08/2021 21:36

To be honest I think her being in private school is red herring here. It’s pure favouritism.
I would refuse to talk about DN with your parents and tell them that you expect them to discuss YOUR DD’s amazing results with you, they can discuss DN with her parents.

By the way congratulations to your DD and you with her great results! It must have been a difficult year for you both.

NumberTheory · 14/08/2021 21:40

You know your parents best but…

My MiL would appear like this and I know my SiL thinks she is constantly praising cousins and not their kids. But to us she’s constantly praising cousins and not our kids! The reality is she is proud as punch of every single one of her grandchildren and never hesitates to boast about them to others.

Could it just be that you hear all about your DN and your sibling hears all about your DC?

Theunamedcat · 14/08/2021 21:41

Before your daughter gets home i would speak to your parents about it point out its been bloody hard for your child to achieve good results and they have despite everything excelled and you would like them to acknowledge this or fuck right off

I'm in a similar situation but the other side cousin 1 rich family teacher parents loads of additional paid tutors went to university cousin 2 poor single parent mum went on to have a shite marriage divorce single parent again house moves everything you name it this kid went through it excelled at university cousin 1&2 achieved the same results everyone is tiptoeing around the fact that they got the same results because in guessing they thought cousin 2 would "fail" or 'scrape through" maybe? Either way no-one is happy except the cousins they are glad the year is over and they can move on (and the mum of cousin 2 is happy she cares not what her family think and is happy her child is happy)

Competitive familys irritate me

Original poster

Summertime2 · 14/08/2021 21:41

Thank you so much for these replies. This is exactly what I would have hoped for - of course celebrate DNs success with her parents but be supportive about my DD with us. I'm quite hurt by the need to protect my DSis like this.

OP posts:

Notanewbee · 14/08/2021 21:42

Wow. That's an amazing achievement! How very very proud you must be. No advice, sorry but hoping for similar when my DS attempts his with similar issues.

I'd be tempted to point it out at every opportunity I'm afraid.

Original poster

Summertime2 · 14/08/2021 21:47

Should I say anything to my parents or just put it down to experience?

OP posts:

greenlynx · 14/08/2021 21:47

It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be happy for your DN. I would call her and congratulate ( I would expect her parents to do the same with your DD) but grandparents should equally congratulate both.

greenlynx · 14/08/2021 21:48

Of course tell them.

HunterGatherer · 14/08/2021 21:50

@NumberTheory

You know your parents best but…

Could it just be that you hear all about your DN and your sibling hears all about your DC?

I completely agree with this, both my DM and DMIL were exactly the same.

Original poster

Summertime2 · 14/08/2021 21:51

Of course I have spoken to DSis and congratulated both her DCs. Mostly conversation about her Dss upcoming uni. It's more the utter apathy from my DPs that upset me

OP posts:

SingingSands · 14/08/2021 21:59

Wow, what fantastic results! And they're not handed on a plate, your DD has worked really hard for them.

If your DD is away at the moment, maybe wait until she she's home - GPs might make a fuss when they see her? If they don't then I think you can say something to them.

CheeseCrackersAndChutney · 14/08/2021 22:04

But the private school didn’t magically make your DD get straight 9s! That’s really sad OP -congrats to your daughter ☺️

tempester28 · 14/08/2021 22:07

That is rotten!

ittakes2 · 14/08/2021 22:10

Wow!! Congratulations from me!! Your daughter has done so so so well in general but especially because she has the additional challenges. My daughter has anxiety and a slower processing speed than her academic ability and your daughter's achievements have been a really inspiration for us. I hope she has an amazing sense of achievement as she really deserves it.

Blossomtoes · 14/08/2021 22:12

@Summertime2

Should I say anything to my parents or just put it down to experience?

Don’t say anything. You have no idea what they’re saying to other people. They could be praising her to the skies. In any event, who cares? You know how well she’s done and you’re proud of her, that’s all that matters.

VenusTiger · 14/08/2021 22:13

Is there a chance they're doing the same praising with your sibling for your DD?

I get the sense my mom does that sometimes - she'll give praising updates on my neice and nephews but obviously isn't going to give ME praise on my own son, as it's me giving HER updates - ifswim. I expect she's giving updates on my son to my siblings. My parents are very close to my son, so I can guarantee it without having to find out.

In your position, I'd tell white lies to DD - that her grandparents are 'so proud and excited' to hear about her results.

QueenBee52 · 14/08/2021 22:25

I wouldn't let them 'Slither On By' treating my darling daughter like this. would I fuck...

get onto them and tell them how utterly disappointed in THEM you are... shameful idiots...

Congratulations to your wonderful daughter .. bloody well done..

Hankunamatata · 14/08/2021 22:33

Teach dd about her own self worth. She doesn't need the validation of others

GrandmasCat · 14/08/2021 22:35

My mother was the same, actually she still is but learning that she was doing the same to my sister. At that point we realised it wasn’t favouritism just shit stirring (perfectly innocent apparently but annoying all the time)

Somuddled · 14/08/2021 22:55

I wouldn't bring up that you don't like the difference in the way they treat yhe two but I would corner them into congratulating her. 'Hi mum nd dad, DD gets back on X day. So she will be available for you to call and congratulate her. Speak to you then.'

Emmelina · 15/08/2021 00:49

9’s across the board is the best she could possibly do, which is an absolutely incredible achievement for anybody- ADHD or not! Sounds like it’s favouritism. I would honestly distance her from such negativity!

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