Ignoring my DCs GCSE Results

[Summertime2]

My DD got her results this week. 10 grade 9s. She has ADHD, low processing speed and generalised anxiety disorder. It's been a tough year. She is at a private school.

My family seem unable to be happy about her achievement-because my niece has also done GCSEs this year and done v well, at a state school.

I've spoken to my parents on the phone and they just immediately talked about how well my DN had done, ignored DD.

Any advice how to handle this? It's as if they think all private school kids get straight 9s so not worth praise.

We haven't even seen DD yet as she was away with friends. Just feel sad my family can't be proud of her as well as her cousins

Is it possible when your dp speak to your nieces parents they are talking about your dds achievements to them? Its the awkward thing my mum would probably have done.

I really appreciate all your responses - while at the same time trying very had to understand how my mum feels. FaceTimed with DD today and exactly the same response - " yes well done but didn't DN do well". Followed by "and after ALL she's been through" This literally can only be that she has been at a state school. Albeit one that supported students very well.

I've decided just to avoid all academic talk from now on. Shame as you'd hope your parents would be proud of their kids and grandkids.

Are you sure that your dn hasn't had other things to contend with? Seems a bit odd to describe going to a decent state school as "all that she has been through".

Very close to my DS and that's all it is -obviously all the difficulties that all children this year have had - it's been shit - but apparently only reality applies to my DN ...

My dc have adhd and it can be so hard to study and focus and reach their potential - it is frequently a diagnosis that is misunderstood or underestimated.
Many congratulations to your dd from me!

After your update op I'd have to have a serious conversation with them, if that's how they spoke to your DD. I'd calmly call them out on their behaviour and ask them to explain. I wouldn't allow them to deny or minimise what they'd said. I'd explain the hurtful impact this has had on you.

And absolutely, congratulations to your DD on her amazing results!

Sounds like they probably have long term issues with your child going to private school? Some people are pretty vehemently against it. My family would be. Regardless, 9s across the board is an incredible achievement even without the other challenges your child has.

One thing I wondered - do you know absolutely what your DM says to your sibling?

because I come from a family where the grandparents only ever talked about the others - and when we all compared notes everyone was equally put out and everyone thought the others were preferred!

Congrats to your DD just make a big fuss of her yourself and minimise any misery from elsewhere.

@lannistunut that's possible. What makes this worse it that my DSIS is normally the one I'd go to and say WTF?! But I don't feel able to under the circs. Feel very alone.

DD v anxious tonight and I don't know how to help her. I actually think these results may be putting more pressure on her

I would say something to them just to point out to them exactly how shitty it sounds.

Congratulations to your DD what fantastic results.

Yes, very good results can be scary. Just reassure her as best you can. One thing I remember is I never wanted my parents to fix things, just to care that I was miserable.

@lannistunut good advice. Tendency is to "fix" it or say - what are you worrying about?! You've done so well, Alevels will be a breeze. Not helpful really

We can't bear them being sad!

My grandparents constantly talk about my brothers and their children when I'm with them. They are very proud of them. I used to wonder why there was much less said about me or my children and our successes.

However on talking to one of my brothers recently, it turns out they talk about me and my children and how proud they are of us to them.

Could it be a similar thing? Maybe your sister hears how proud they are of your daughter, and you hear how proud they are of your niece,

Also not the point of the thread but I do think children in state schools have been at a bigger disadvantage than ever before this year.

For your daughter to achieve 10 grade 9's is amazing. Almost unbelievable considering her learning difficulties. I hope she's managed to relax and enjoy the summer, and the pressure hasn't been too much for her.

I think private school is a difficult topic.

You have paid for your daughter to have a better education than your niece. She did fantastically well given her ADHD but I’d be slightly prouder of a child who achieved at a state school too (though I hope I’d hide it better than your mum!).

With lockdowns and covid, the advantages to private school students will be even more marked this year but every child should be congratulated on their gcse results regardless.

Agree indi education is a huge red herring here.

My ds knows many children in indi education and those he knows are very unlikely to get straight 9's!

But also with adhd an indi education was only likely to put her on equal footing to her peers due to smaller class sizes etc.

I'd ignore your mum. If she starts talking about DN achievements then just change the subject. If she won't discuss your dds amazing achievements then don't discuss GCSEs at all.