To be worried about my son?

[bentleydrummle]

I posted this on behaviour/development but v quiet on there so trying here instead.

I'm so worried about my 7yo DS and am looking for any advice or reassurance.

He is delightful, well behaved at school, loving and affectionate. He has a great wide vocabulary and field of knowledge. However, he is behind in a lot of ways. His reading has been an ongoing saga....I first raised concerns with school in reception and he is now about to go into y3, although obviously yrs 1 and 2 were very disrupted. He still struggles with what should be simple words, eg were, could, their, and his decoding isn't great, eg sometimes he will say the wrong vowel sound in a word like "sent" or say no for on etc. His writing is pretty indecipherable.

He failed the eye test in reception and he then started to wear glasses. He has v poor vision in one eye and had to wear patches for almost 2 years, to strengthen his weak eye. During lockdown we missed kids of appts with opthalmology and they did telephone appts where they recommended phasing out the patches, only to find when we went back that his bad eye had massively regressed so we had to start patching again, but once he was 7 they said the patch was unlikely to be effective anymore and he was discharged, and since then the opticians have said his bad eye has regressed.
He was referred to an Ed psych by his y2 teacher and she said he had no signs of dyslexia and is above average for cognitive ability, and his reading issues are linked to his eyesight issues.

But he also struggles in other ways, eg he went to swimming lessons from
Birth until covid (now on waiting list to restart) and he could never really swim a proper stroke except doggie paddle. He can't ride a bike despite us trying to teach him, can't tie his laces.

Today I was reading with him and he started to cry talking about y3 and how they will be expected to read things themselves and he "feels sick" because he can't, and he says there have been times when he has got upset at school and had to take "time out" because he has got upset about not being able to do the work and his throat feels constricted and he feels sick. School have never mentioned this.

I just feel so sad and worried about him, he is just an adorable little boy but is 8 in September and the oldest in his class. His older brother is all round high achiever both in terms of academics and sport so it's hard for him to see him do things effortlessly when he struggles.

I'm really at my wits end with him and not sure where to turn. Any ideas?

A couple of things, He is still young. The pressure that english schools put on very young children to reach reading milestones early is counterproductive for lots of children. For lots of kids reading, writing and spelling are a struggle at 7, but mastered by 11. Make sure that you read with him every day and be prepared to make adjustments for his vision, large print, finding the right focal length etc. Get some help and advice from charities for partial sight to find the right adjustments for him. Demand that the school gives extra help and implements anything that helps.

He may have dyspraxia, his lack of co-ordination may because his vision means he can't judge field depth, or it may be that a lack of co-ordination and his sight issues have a common cause. Has your GP ruled out any neurological issues? The pattern you describe is similar to my brother who was eventually diagnosed and treated for hydrocephalus.

Make it clear to him that your love and approval doesn't relate to achievement, but also help him to find what he can succeed at. Music maybe? Really hard for a younger child when they are inevitably compared to a high achieving sibling, which may be also shaping the school response.

I am very very conscious of not comparing him to ds1, I sometimes wonder if school have made assumptions about his ability because of ds1 and as he is quiet and well
Behaved he has just gone under the radar.

I will speak to GP again and also look into the vision charities.

Your son sounds identical to my friends son. He has dyspraxia.

But also, my daughter is the same age as your son. She has an older brother, I do naturally compare them. She is nowhere near at the stage he was at this age, and I think a huge cause of this has been the disruption of covid.

Poor wee love!

My ds is both dyslexic and dyspraxic, and I could have written your post when he was 7, aside from the eye issues. But school wouldn’t refer for testing or consider special needs until after 7, because so many children have difficulties early on and it can be hard to tell what’s what.

Mine is also fabulous, funny, articulate and smart, and seeing him struggle was so hard. But I will say that struggle had a silver lining, it taught him to try hard, it taught him, and me, that school and academic hoop-jumping aren’t everything, and he had to learn to accept himself which is ultimately a good thing. Eventually, he got diagnosed through school referrals, his reading caught up by about 12, and he’s now a very calm and sensible teen who does really well academically in his chosen subjects, which has been amazing to see.

Keep asking school and suggesting possible testing for SEN, just to remind them you’re on the case - it should happen eventually. It could be the eye issues causing a reading problem, but could also be dyslexia as it’s so hard to untangle early on. Tell them it is hard for him, he’s trying his best and he is not lazy. And just encourage him in his interests, make sure he knows you have his back and think he’s fab, and that school success is not everything and loads of brilliant people have struggled with it.

I know exactly how you feel and i know it’s tough - but remember you have a lovely wonderful son and make sure he knows it too.

Would it be possible for him to repeat a year? Would he be willing to do that?

I'm not sure about repeating the year. He is already the oldest (his 8th birthday is the first day back!). I was a Nov birthday and always felt as if summer born friends had a year in hand over me. And if he repeats it now what if he needed to repeat another one after an exam catastrophe or something??

Poor little kid. He can be reassessed after a certain time frame for dyslexia so I’d certainly consider that.
An OT assessment for dyspraxia.
Also GP re his poor motor skills combined with what may have been poor motor eye skills leading to his loss of vision in one eye. Could he have mild cerebral palsy? Are his motor skills stable or deteriorating?
A diagnosis may help his self-esteem and also allow him to avail of various educational advantages. But ultimately no matter what the diagnosis, he will need help with his reading (and maybe other schoolwork if his reading causes him to fall behind) and even if school helps, the majority of this will need to be done by you as you’re the person who knows him and cares about his future.
I’ll throw some buzzwords/phrases at you:
Toe by Toe (or similar)
Paired reading
Read to him yourself every night
Find something he enjoys and can be good at (?art ?music ?animal-lover ?science ?karate) and push him to achieve in that so that he has something he can be proud of and give him status.
Don’t allow his poor reading to allow him to fall behind in other subjects eg maths. Use visual/practical maths apps at home that follow the school curriculum in a less wordy way. Take him to science museums, history museums etc.
Encourage him to keep talking to you so you can both come up with solutions eg if he is worried about his reading - you’ll all to the teacher etc. Assure him that it doesn’t matter if he is a tortoise rather than a hare.
Tell him every day how great he is and how much he is loved.

How bad is his vision classed?

I'd be looking for input from the specialist teacher advisors for visually impaired pupils and also an occupational therapist.

In some areas you can self refer so it's worth looking into this.

My ds has difficulties (genetic neurophysical and also autistic) when he had periods of dealing struggling it always helped him to know I was fighting for him and doing x y and z but I was always honest it takes time and so he can keep talking to me in the meantime.

Try the Toe by toe book it worked absolute wonders for my daughter. You need to do ten minutes a day. When we started she was really struggling to read, she's now considered average for her age (10).

Your Ds sounds like combination of my 2 children who are now adults.

Ds still can’t tie his own shoe laces. Dd had no end of swimming lessons before she learned to swim and even then only did doggy paddle.
Both dc only learned to ride a bike as adults even though they tried and tried as children.

Dd today has difficulties even with predictive text as she can’t get the first letter correct. Her writing a word is like the Morecambe and Wise sketch. All the right letters just not necessarily in the right order.

Ds couldn’t read or write when he went into year 3. Unfortunately that year did huge damage to his self esteem as what your Ds has said about year 3 is similar to the experience Ds had. Everyone had to be able to read and write and because Ds couldn’t he was left behind.
Although he did have to do homework which involved writing sentences but couldn’t write a single letter on his own. Then got into trouble at school because he hadn’t done his homework

Ds’s reading was very slowly and disjointed by the time he was in year 6 (I had to take him out of school as remaining in there was doing damage to his confidence. I wish I had taken him out sooner)

His writing as an adult is still indecipherable

Both have been diagnosed with dyslexia
Ds with dysgraphia. (at college as no one was interested in diagnosing him before)
DD has been diagnosed with ADHD,

Ds is pursuing an assessment for ADHD.
Dd is looking into a diagnosis of dyspraxia as she has all the symptoms but as she has just started on ADHD medication she is hoping when she gets the meds right either her clumsiness will disappear because it was ADHD related or it will still be there in which case it is likely to be dyspraxia

Re the dyslexia diagnosis. Was this recent as I thought the earliest you could test was age 7 but they like to do it later to be sure.

Find something he enjoys and can be good at (?art ?music ?animal-lover ?science ?karate) and push him to achieve in that so that he has something he can be proud of and give him status

This.

Dd and Ds did a big range of ECAs. Dd got her grade 8s in a few (Grade 8 = 1 A level)

Dd, if she had wanted to go to university could have done as she had the required amount of UCAS points from her ECA exams. Even though she only got a handful of C grade GCSEs in her academic exams.

Enlarge those words he struggles with on the computer to see if it is eyesight related.

In terms of other interests....and something I find really odd is.....he absolutely loves drawing. And although his letter formation is dreadful, he can draw quite fine and intricate details quite well. He will sit and draw for hours and loves creating fantastical dragon style creatures. But this confuses me because of his eyesight difficulties I'd have thought this would be hard for him too.

Op apart from the eye issues I could have written this post word for word about my ds.
He is also due to go into year 3 in Sept and he can barely read. His writing is also very poor it’s pretty much unreadable. He can’t tie his own laces or ride a bike and despite having swimming lessons for over three years he still has to wear arm bands.
Honestly I don’t have any advice but I just wanted to post to show some solidarity and let you know you aren’t alone in feeling worried about your boy as I’m exactly the same so I’m going to be following this thread closely myself but just know my inbox is open should you ever need a chat

Thank you @Littlebean13 that's kind and nice to know I am not alone!

Your description scream dyspraxia to me. DS2 is very similar and it truly is heartbreaking to see them struggle, constantly.

Op

There are definitely issues there which need to be looked into.

Regardless of the timing or outcome of that, how would you feel about home education? It sounds like your son would thrive on it both academically and in terms of self esteem.

I have a 15yo with a learning disability who has never been to school. She is a happy, confident kid. That may be her nature. But it's undoubtedly easier to preserve her self esteem when she can go at her own pace and isn't learning academics alongside children who find it easier than she does. She has time to do many hobbies and doesn't spend six hours a day being told to concentrate on things which are hard for her. Her handwriting resembles that of a five year old and she just learned to read last year, but that hasn't dominated her life as it would if she went to school. It doesn't define who she is as a person.

Your son's school is doing him a disservice. They could do much better. But even a much better setting is unlikely to be able to offer him the individual approach and the perspective he would get if he learned with you.

So do I ask school about possible dyspraxia dx or go via GP for referral?

Home Ed is out, for a number of reasons.

Aww op. As pp suggested there seems to be a reason for this. The good thing is that there is a reason, which you can work on once diagnosed. Your poor wee boy feeling sick thinking there is something wrong with him is so sad. Please reassure him that he is doing great and you will be helping him.

Are you able to afford a tutor? The right person working one-to-one regularly could work wonders in building up his confidence and skills. I speak from experience.

Yes we would consider a tutor but most seem to specialise in older children studying for exams?

Some of it sounds like he's struggling but some of it seems really really normal. I don't know any about to go into year three children who can tie laces for example, and lots and lots can't swim.

Lockdown I think has just delayed things for lots and lots of children.

Plus it's actually completely normal to still find all these things difficult at the age of seven.

When the older child finds life easy, and some people do, its really tempting and natural to think that the younger children are struggling. Whereas actually the younger children are just normal and typical.

Focus on getting his vision sorted, and make sure that school are really aware so that he always sits at the front of the class etc.

You’ve had some lovely, thoughtful responses OP and I agree with them all. Sorry can’t add my own experience but I would keep pestering school and GP because they are both failing him. Good luck.
Definitely massively praise and encourage his drawing interest - it will give him something to hold onto when he compares himself to his academic brother. Maybe even sit them down together to draw so he can see he’s a finer artist than his brother, unless that would upset your other son. Or you draw as well, something nowhere near as good and just say “I wish I could draw like you, that’s absolutely incredible. Drawing isn’t a strength of mine”.
You should focus loads on what he does do well and fuss over it, while also (on the quiet), make meetings with school in regards to his development.