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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH workout/Excerise

69 replies

Langy654321 · 14/08/2021 14:36

My OH has throughout Covid got the excercise bug - which was great during Lockdowns as it gave us another area of release and there was more than enough time.
Now things are opened up and more commitments to socialising (family and friends) OH still wants to keep up the fitness which is fine but he is only allowing one day off. He works full time 3 days a week (shift worker) so these days I do not see him at all until very late at night.

I asked if we could have one family day off from it (weekend) and one week day off -and he said no, only one day.

His idea is to run in the morning or evening on his days off, followed by up half an hour intense core cardio.
To be honest he dropped the cardio after at least one run it would feel a bit more of a compromise.
But it has to be run, core work out x 3 days a week plus 3 days work
His work is intense, lots of walking/lifting and he says it’s for his mental health, but surely the run is suffice enough on most days, the need for added core work out ontop strikes me as a vanity project? I know most people will say I’m acting insecure but It’s more his reluctance to compromise and his insistence which is grating me more than anything.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Cockle1234 · 14/08/2021 15:56

So he doesn't exercise every day, it's just three days a week
YABVU - this isn't much at all, you are being very controlling to want him to stop this

Original poster
Langy654321 · 14/08/2021 15:59

Thanks Cockle, I know it comes across as that way but I’m trying to look out for him getting worn out. We live near the coast and I guess I need to see that he’s trying to enjoy life with his run and the environment etc.

OP posts:
icedcoffees · 14/08/2021 16:08

He's an adult - it's not up to you to decide whether he's too tired or not.

Cockle1234 · 14/08/2021 16:09

I'm not sure three times a week will wear him out, honestly that's nowhere near problem exercising and will likely have the opposite effect, the fitter you are the more energy you have in general. I see it as a very positive thing. It's exactly the same amount as my DP does, and if he wanted to do more then I'd encourage it

GoWalkabout · 14/08/2021 16:09

I think you need to separate the issues and decide which one concerns you most

  1. Him not being present and available for you and the kids because he's snappy and tired (he needs to try harder or change something)
  2. Him restricting family life - if you want more outings that shouldn't be ruled out (he has to compromise not rule the roost)
  3. Worry about his actual physical or mental health because over exercise could be an unhealthy coping strategy, lead to overuse injuries or make him overfocus on appearance or achievement at the expense of relaxing and just being. (You can state that you have some concerns, but might seem like you are sabotaging him).
Having an exercise routine that includes strength, cardio and core with a rest day is not unusual. He shouldn't lift heavy using the same muscle groups on consecutive days. Core is good for everything - supports injury free running, lifting and general posture and wellbeing so its not all vanity for most of us!
Hankunamatata · 14/08/2021 16:19

He works 3 days. I dont think it unreasonable to exercise for 3 days.

It's probably not exercise wearing him out, working 12 hour shifts is draining.

billy1966 · 14/08/2021 16:28

What does he do with his children?

Does he do his share of housework and parenting?

Because if he isn't and is using exercise to avoid these things, then he is selfish and unreasonable.

His children finding it annoying sounds like he must be doing it a lot?

Do you get similar 2 hour breaks?

Nurseynoodles · 14/08/2021 16:39

3 workouts a week plus a demanding job is fine. You need to stop pretending that you’re worried about him because I think it’s more a control thing, based on your comments. I work out M-F 6-7am and work a full day and run around after the kids and I’m falling asleep on the sofa by 9pm, it’s really not an issue.

You sound very controlling. I really can’t see this an issue at all unless he doesn’t help with the kids, never spends any time alone with you or you don’t get time to do any exercise yourself. Exercise is really important.

As for the day with the kids, it’s 1-2 hours, he does it early and you go out after that. Many people work opposing shifts for childcare and don’t get the luxury of a full day off as a family every week.

WhereHasAllTheYogurtGone · 14/08/2021 16:54

@Langy654321

I guess if I can get it to a balance in between what it was before and now I would be happy for him. But it’s trying to make it feel as though it is for his benefit and not me pushing him. I do genuinely have his best interests due to the combination of heavy work, family time and possible addiction. I just know if we don’t place boundaries there now it feels like it could get out of hand in the future.
With the best of intentions, I have to say to you.

This is not your place nor responsibility.

It is his.

Finding the right balance is his task to accomplish.

At the moment he seems to be putting you and your children last in his list of priorities though which is shitty of him and needs addressing.

What is he doing for the rest of the day on the three days where he does two hours of exercise but no work. It sounds like he should have time for you on those days but doesn't. Bit confusing, is he gaming or buggering off to his mates house or something with the remainder of those days.

SimonJT · 14/08/2021 16:56

He is only exercising three days a week, everyone should be doing that. I have one day a week off, I still have plenty time for my son and husband.

Toomuchspinning · 14/08/2021 17:02

I think YABVU.

I Agree with @SimonJT; everyone should be exercising at least 3 times a week. 2 hours is hardly all day; it’s not even half a day.

Icenii · 14/08/2021 17:09

But we all should be exercising far more. People under estimate the amount of exercise we actually need. Our week is built around our exercise routine for DH, DD and me.

therearenogoodusernamesleft · 14/08/2021 17:16

Are you working, OP? Why wouldn't his 'day off' always be your family time? It seems unusual to expect some couple time during the week if you have children?

And exercising 3 days a week, with shifts 3 days a week, is a lot less all round than many people do.

therearenogoodusernamesleft · 14/08/2021 17:17

Also - even on an exercise day, surely he can be done by 10am? That still gives you the whole day!

Pedalpushers · 14/08/2021 17:17

I exercise 6 days a week and I also work 5 days a week. 1.5 hours of exercise 3 days a week isn't much over the recommended minimum.

muddledmidget · 14/08/2021 17:22

I really don't think that exercising for 2 hours a day 3 days a week is an addiction or even a problem. It's simply being healthy. I'm unsure of why he needs a day off from his exercise during the week for your 'day date', it seems like you maybe need to find a hobby/activity to fill your time rather than trying to obstruct his. (no children here admittedly, but both work 4-6 days a week and manage at least 8 hours of exercise each without being tired or snappy, but some early nights are welcomed)

Batshittery · 14/08/2021 17:23

He's not doing that much exercise to even suspect anything like an addiction. It is not for you to decide that he is going to tire himself out. As an adult he can make that decision for himself.
YABU

Caffeinemonster · 14/08/2021 17:31

Exercising 3 days a week doesn’t seem like an addiction to me. Dropping down to two days means he may as well not bother.

What else does he do in his free time? I work full time, Monday to Friday. I don’t feel bad that I go to the gym or for a run on both Saturday and Sunday, even though I don’t get much time with the kids during the week. It’s important to me to exercise and it’s pretty much the only time I get to myself. There’s no point in over prioritising family time and then ending up fat and dying an early heart disease death.

TriciaMcMillan · 14/08/2021 17:36

I have to agree that 3 days a week seems quite moderate. I train 6 days a week, alongside a (sadly very sedentary) full-time job. My husband also likes to cycle (standard!). We work hard to ensure each other have the time for it, sometimes at the expense of other things, as we know how important it is to each of us, mentally and physically.

Perhaps it would be helpful to sit down together, talk through the weekly schedule and ensure you have time for each of you and the kids. But from what you've said, his exercise time commitment doesn't seem unreasonable and should be encouraged for his long term health.

Spodge · 14/08/2021 17:42

I exercise 6 or 7 days a week for between 45 and 90 minutes, unless we are travelling somewhere which requires a day off, or I feel a need for a day of total rest (very rare as I vary what I do from day to day and some days are just stretching or light movement).

Exercising 3 days a week is totally reasonable and is setting a good example to the children. If he's tired and snappy it is highly unlikely to be a result of the exercise as described by you. It's more likely to be long shifts, or stress.

Time40 · 14/08/2021 17:43

YAB very U. It's a reasonable and sensible amount of exercise - everyone should be doing about that.

Persephoned · 14/08/2021 17:53

Exercising on three days a week is v reasonable OP! He is not being unreasaonable to spend up to 6 hours a week exercising, it sounds very sensible and I don’t understand how it interferes with your family time at all really. Why does 6 hours a week, often after they’ve gone to school, mean the kids are waiting around for him?

KidneyBeans · 14/08/2021 17:56

This seems a bit bonkers to me, I'm not sure if I'm missing something?

I work 5 days a week and exercise for 60-90 minute 4-5X a week. I'm not exhausted.

He's basically doing 6 hours exercise/week. That's not very much on top of 3 days of work. His exercise isn't impacting on family time and he fits it in after the kids school hours and misses it if you have plans. That's nowhere close to being 'obsessed'.

You actually sound a bit resentful and controlling to me.

acolderwar · 14/08/2021 17:58

You sound really, really controlling. You trying to frame this as concern about him being too exhausted is completely transparent.

araiwa · 14/08/2021 18:02

This is all bollocks

Faux concern about him getting addicted. They exercise three times a week. They're barely doing the minimum suggested amount per week.

What's your actual problem or are you just controlling and manipulative generally?

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